Exterminator 2

20151213_205737

This wasn’t the first movie choice for us this night.

The first pick was The Tomb. The first few minutes looked amazing. Like it would even be a good movie. Then it sucked. Our rule is “if it still sucks after 30 mins, we pick another”. It was so damn boring. People walk around and recite the script that they memorised.

The second pick was Escape from Galaxy 3. This looked like a sequel to starcrash. That movie with that belter Caroline Munro and David Hasselhof. Well this one didnt have them, or texan ‘cops’, or the count dracula bad guy, or Afro Acton. It did have the Count’s space ship which was a metal hand that looked like lego. I vaguely remember starcrash and i think that hand-spaceship footage was copied from starcrash and not new. After 10 minutes, we weren’t inspired and then moved to the third movie.

Exterminator 2 is 90 minutes of robert ginty and shaft driving a shitty dump truck and killing bad guys.

The dump truck was the star of the show, robert fucking ginty presses a button to compact a bad guy inside the dump part, but the guy doesn’t even seem to be in any discomfort. He doesnt even seem to dislike the smell of a garbage truck insides. Which means that the filthy truck is kind and considerate. Then robert fucking ginty installs cardboard ramming bar/sheet at the front to push cars or things out of the way. But you know its not going to work when the truck drives around a bumpy road and the bar bounces around.

Ok so the reason that the teuck had mods, its cos the bad guys killed shaft.  Shaft is such a cool cat, he finishes his dump truck job at night by going direcrly to a bar. No smell, truck is awesome. Then he is always bouncy and a cool cat and getting girls to party with him.

Robert fucking ginty wears the same jacket in every scene.

Fuck this movie. Its boring. Dont watch it. We didnt watch the first exterminator movie but im sure it will suck.

Ps. If youre wondering why my watch list looks a lot like red letter media, its because i follow their awesome lists and opinions. Seriously,  you should check them out on youtube.

Hollywood cop

20151203_065739

This movie was made by the same guy that made Samurai cop. Except that this movie is better because its got Cameron Mitchell.

The plot, as far as we could tell, was that some bad guys kidnapped a kid that was washing his goat, and then demanded six million dollars ransom to return the kid. The parents that have to fulfil the ransom were a single mom that didnt have a job, and a dead beat father that was having sexy time with three other girls. So… why these people? They aren’t worth anything. We dont know. Why 6m$? We dont know? They didn’t have a reason to want that money. They could have even asked for 100 bucks and it would have had the same plot.

We found this movie on youtube and the uploader has english subtitles (to an english audio track). But the subtitles included additional things like music notes when music was playing, “[vicious slapping]” when someone got slapped around viciously, “whap”, “thud”. So obviously there is a market for b movies targeted at deaf people. Who knew?

Memorable moments:

  • one of the bad guys was italian, so his name was ‘spa-ghe-ti’
  • racist dialogue to asian waiter
  • kid didnt want to come inside the house because he wasnt done washing his goat.
  • kid suffers no trauma and has no fear as his kidnapper shout at him.
  • one shot of the hollywood sign and no other indicators that this is hollywood
  • one bad guy named Animal, is rough with girls and laughs all the time.
  • the buddy cop duo was named Turkey and Jaguar
  • Cameron mitchell was drunk. And it was awesome. He needed more screen time.
  • cop tells an arab man right after his wife was raped: “hey, i know he just fucked your wife, but what did he look like?”
  • arab man with a machete cliche

So back to the plot. Why did anyone do anything in this movie? We dont know why the kidnap took place. We dont know why these two cops are partners. We dont know why the arab man sub plot was put in because they conclude it immediately and it adds nothing to the story.

4.2 on imdb. Watch it. its awesome.

Aerobicide

20151203_065650

This movie is also known as “Killer Workout”. Who gives their move two names? You couldn’t decide so you publish is as “Aerobicide also known as Killer Workout”. This smells a lot like there was a 50/50 ownership of this movie and not 49.9/50.1.

Anyways. This movie is awesome, its got the Deadly Prey guys and I think Danton (the main Deadly Prey guy, or also known as Deadly Prey) is the writer and director. The other actors we recognised are ‘sunglasses guy’, he’s the guy that that shoots all of his henchmen, and the captain guy, he’s the guy with the granades on the table.

Back to Aerobicie. Here’s what we saw… There is a gym that has sexy ladies doing sexy workouts to sexy 80’s music. There work out mainly consists of jumping on the spot so that their tits bounce, and bending over to show their ass and panties to any passersby. Now, in this gym, there is a killer, that kills using a big safety pin. So we wondered why a safety pin? Not a usual gun, or machete, or shiv, or dumbell. The only reason is that they wanted some other exotic prop, but this was filmed in a weekend and the real prop would arrive 3 days later. Who knows. So in the end, the lead actress smiles and shows the safety pin as if she’s the killer (oh, spoilers). But in the middle of the movie, she was arrested and in the back of a cop car when another murder in the gym, with a safety pin, took place. So then who done it? we’ll never know.

Memorable moments:

  • lead actress is burnt by a tanning bed, (more like tanning George Foreman Grill, amirite?) but, despite being in a full body bed, her face is not burnt. WTF
  • Deadly prey is in the same street corner carrying the same two garbage bags
  • creepy gym guy was creepy
  • either no man had a penis, or, for some reason, they all had tranny tuck jobs, so that they looked like they were wearing women’s pants/shorts.
  • a girl breaks into the men’s changing room to sniff a guys jockstrap
  • there is a locker with a rubber hand that pops out when you open it. and despite looking like every other locker, everyone always opens up this booby trapped locker.
  • the killer kills a girl in the shower, then goes through the effort of stuffing the body into a locker.
  • at one point we thought that it would be wise if the coroner left a pile of body bags at the gym because
  • many people were dying on a regular basis, but the gym must go on

Watch this movie. Its awesome. it get a 4.8 on IMDB. (I dont know why i post IMDB ratings, they do not inform my decision in any way.)

Total Force

totalforce

Stallone acts in this turd. Frank Stallone. Geez, how many Stallones do you know?

We found this movie on youtube and the title was “Total Force, Stock footage abuse”. And this was a good tip. This movie basically was like watching CNN or BBC with random cuts of exposition. It was hard to watch. I felt sick after a few minutes and then turned away from the TV. I’d rather listen to the movie than actually watch it. The audio cuts still made me sick and we turned it off after about 30 mins.

So what is Total Force? I’m not entirely sure because i couldn’t watch it to the end. Its a war movie because there were fighter jets at the start, and then a crack squad of goons, one of them will be Stallone, will go into the danger zone and rescue someone. I’m sure this is what happens. All of these b movies are like this.

In that first few minutes, there were a few people dressed in some military uniform, that were looking at a screen and doing exposition. On screen, wasn’t footage from the perspective of a soldier or pilot, it was really stock footage, and you would think that the military would send out 2 fighters and then a 10 men crew to film everything. In different aspect ratios and filters. For some reason.

This got a 3.2 on imdb. It should have been a 0. I suggest that you watch it. Not because its good, but to see if you could make it further than me.

Shakma

20151203_065619

What would you do if you had a baboon for the weekend? Obvious! Make a horror b movie.

Shakma is a cute little baboon and is sometimes interchangeable with a stuffed toy. He had some brain surgery in this building and then escaped his cage and now wants to kill everyone in sight. For some reason.

Every death scene works like this: 1)shakma runs at the camera and jumps.  2) cut camera to victim and the stuffed toy is thrown at their face. 3) cut to same victim on the ground,  dead,  throat slit. I think there were 6 people in the building playing some game and they all died except one guy.  Of course only one guy will survive.

These people were playing some game over walkie talkies in this building.  They had to go to some room, find a clue,  radio the clue in, the game master will then radio them back an instruction to go to another room. Why?  What is the end objective?  What enjoyment is there to just following the game masters pre-determined path? Who fucking knows?

The most memorable part of the movie is the use of the word “over”. They use it at the end of their sentence on the radio.  I get it, you need to signal that your done talking. But this movie hammers down that point that they are following protocol very diligently. They must have said “over” about a thousand times.

Shakma got 5.2 on imdb. Because he is so fucking cute.