Russian Terminator

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Most amazing film.

In 1989, some russians found a book on how to make an action thriller movie. They didnt speak any english, so they just directly translated everything and made it. Unfortunately for them, but fortunately for us, they didnt know that it was a template book, and that you had to specify what the macguffin was and why the bad guys were bad and what would happen if they didnt stop the bad guys. So the dialogue was pretty much “we need to stop the bad man before he does a bad thing” and “We need to give him the paper with the information”.

Then the main guy with a massive platinum afro was called Mr. Robinson. Nothing is as russian as the surname of Robinson.

Oh and after the translation was done, it was written in phonetics in russian so now we have dialogue where the actor has no idea what he is saying and no idea what sound needs to be emphasized. This give us a phrase “Thats what friends. Are for.”

In one scene, they good guys uncover a plot hole. They wondered why the ninja would ask them to do something and then just do it himself anyways. Genius.

More memorable moments:

  • Mr Robinson is an old guy that wears a robotech jersey.
  • One guy says to an enemy guy “you’ve got a problem. you’re gonna die.” Then shoots.
  • There’s a point blank shotgun shot
  • A castle on the outside, but a dumpy apartment on the inside.

You have ninja stuff, fight scenes, guns, an unspecified threat, strange actors. So why was this movie made? I dont know. There is no original spin to a generic story. None of the actors are any good. No scene or theme stands out. I think it was made to bring shame to countrymen that made it.

Watch this gem. Totally worth your 90 minutes.