Cobra

cobra

1986 and everything is good in the world. Cannon is making movies that no one understands but everyone loves them anyways.

So John Rambo acts as Marion Cobretti. He is such a progressive cop that he wants to change his name to Alice. His words, not mine. He is a cop that doesn’t say much and doesn’t take shit either. When shit goes down, ‘the force’ calls him to just walk in and blow the bad guys away. Because crime is a disease and he is the cure.

So let me try to explain why the events take place. There is this serial killer, he looks a lot like Willem Defoe. He is busy with his nightly murder and then some girl sees him. He goes after the girl to kill her and remove a witness. But she gets a away. Right now we have a movie. He spends 90 minutes trying to get to her and Rambo spends the same amount of time trying to poke protect her.

The killer is a simple man. Go out and kill, come home and sharpen the knife. Go out and kill, come home and sharpen the knife.¬†Go out and kill, come home and sharpen the knife. I think he is supposed to be part of a cult. Because in the start of the movie, there is a bunch of guys and an accountant that raise their axes and knock them together. I think they are chanting some shit while doing it. They don’t establish why this cult exists, what their goals are or who the leader is. But in a Cannon movie, do you care?

After the girl is chased, she is saved by the cops, taken into some protection programme, one of the cops is the killer’s mom and a mole, killer tries to kill again, killer dies. See how simple Cannon movies are? Its brilliant. So when you have a nice simple plot, you can use it as a blank canvas and then the colour is every actor doing stupid shit.

Here is a list of stupid shit:

  • Cobra reads out bullshit stats at the start of the movie
  • Cobra points a gun as the audience and then shoots us
  • Cobra needs a parking space so he uses his car to push Essey McEssey’s car and then win the argument of how tough he is
  • Cobra cuts a pizza with a scissor
  • Not Willem Defoe says the word ‘pig’ a thousand times because he cant think of another insult
  • The girl has a 5 minute fashion shoot in the movie for no reason
  • Cobra always chews a matchstick and uses it to burn a bad guy
  • The cult guys talk about the new world order but never tell you their goals
  • 5 minute chase scene because the producer probably liked Bullit
  • Cobra says that he starts where the law ends
  • Not Willem Defoe wears stockings over his head and looks like a retard

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