You will never meet anyone as smug as this guy.
In 2014, Kirk Cameron from Family Ties is very religious and decided he could make a movie to fleece his flock. The point of this movie was that he has a family member that is disillusioned by the materialism of Christmas and Kirk convinces him to not be a grouchy mcGrouchface. Half the movie was shot in Kirk’s hallway of his house and the other half was in his driveway. He probably didn’t pay any actors because it’s ‘god’s work’ and he didn’t care if its any good as he made it because ‘god works in mysterious ways’.
The dialogue makes no sense. When grouchy asks ‘how come satan and santa have the same letters’, Kirk talks about some other shit and then has a smug face because grouchy buys into this. He might as well answer all questions using random TLC lyrics. Fucking cunt. Then, this motherfucker, spends five minutes describing how the gifts at the tree look like a city skyline. Fuck you movie. Fuck you Kirk. Also, grounchy is a dumbass for thinking that letters being rearranged is significant. Wake up grouch. You’re an adult. Sometimes good things and bad things share the same letters.
This movie made us really angry. It was 80 minutes long and could probably be done in 10 minutes. But lets go further, he’s not actually spreading a message or teaching something new or re-interpreting something old. Nothing. He says the same shit as every other kids movie except in a more sloppy way. I think it was a cash grab. He is starting something here and I think he will make a lot of money regardless of the quality of the content. All he has to do, is to tell his religious friends to watch it because he made it for them. They probably won’t even tell him “hey dude, your saving christmas movie was kinda shit”.
The only reason I think that his fans are a flock of sheep is because Kirk once told them to go to Rotten Tomatoes or IMDB (or both) and rate the movie. Naturally they would give it favorable ratings.
His next movie is scheduled for 2017. Obviously its going to be religious. Obviously he would ask some Chinese farmers to write the script using Engrish. Obviously no attention would be paid to any aspect of the movie. Obviously he would make a shit ton of money.
Maybe in 2030 he would come clean and admit that it was all a scam. Here’s a Lincoln quote. I almost never do quotes, but this is relevant. “You can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all the time, but you cannot fool all the people all the time.”
Don’t watch this shit. It will anger you.
This movie is so bad, it will make you kill a colony of ants.
Usually I would start off with the year in which this movie was made. But in this case, its more of a wide range than a few weeks to make. Production started in 2002. The guy in charge was Lawrence Kasanoff and the last work he had completed was a Mortal Kombat series in 1999. His IMDB page credits him with about 6 of Mortal Kombat productions. Two of which were series. We have a review of the 1995 one. So three years goes by and he’s done nothing. He starts this shit probably because he thought he was good at animation, from all that Mortal Kombat crap. And Pixar was making money too so he probably thought he could ride that wave. He rounded up the famous names at the time. Charlie Sheen, Ava Longoria, Hillary Duff, Doc Brown, Wayne Brady and so on. Made this turd. Realised its shit. Claimed that the hard drives were stolen. Fucked around for the next 10 years trying to recreate it. I don’t know if the voice work was recreated too or if that was left and now they needed animation to match to the sound. Whatever. This costs 45m USD in production and made close to $0. So even before you read about this movie, you know its bad.
Whats it about? There is this supermarket, at night (like Night at the Museum) all the mascots of the products come alive. Think Mr Tiger from Kelloggs Frosties. Its like a city with people doing regular stuff. Who knows whats regular for a mascot that magically came into existence. Then there is a bad guy that has an army and wants to replace all the brands with a “Brand X” and thus killing off the mascots. The main good guy that foils this plan is a dog named Dex Dogtective.
I could go on for 10 hours on whats wrong with it and ask why anyone if doing anything. But I wont. Everyone on the internet is saying the same thing. Instead, I want to dig into Kasanoff’s head a little. I think that the 2002 movie was the bait. And Brand X would have been replaced with an actual brand after they go on a road show and show off their mad skills. Once they found the brand, they would do a severe and expensive rewrite and then release that movie. The only problem was that after a year or two, no one showed interest in being Brand X. Also no one wanted to be the good team so that they could shame their rival as the name of Brand X. I’m also guessing that the investors would have taken the loss and admitted it was a shit movie but they probably suspected Kas to have taken the money and ran. So they demanded that it be released. He then scrambled to put an animation on the voice and then released it. Extensive use of copy-paste was made. I don’t know what really went down but 45m dollars is a lot of money for some really really poor work. Probably the worst animated movie ever made.
It’s not even fun to watch. Stay away. Or watch it because it on your bucket list of badness.
Another gem from Cannon Films.
This was 1989 and Jean Claude had in his seventh film. He started in 1982 as an extra in another Cannon film we watched called Breakin’. Missing in Action (1984) and Blood Sport (1988) were the Cannon Films and the others were not.
In this movie, you’re watching the future of USA. Jean is just trying to stay alive and is hired by a cyborg that knows how to get to the doctors in Atlanta to cure a plague. She, the cyborg, needed protection from thugs. The thugs are everywhere and rule everything and look like Mad Max scavengers except without cars. The thugs are also retards. They found the cyborg, they could have just went to Atlanta and got the cure. But no, they had to fight Jean Claude.
At this point, we’re getting good at watching bad movies and we figured that good old Menaheim and Yorum had a few scenes in their mind and made those scenes. The rest of the movies was bullshit to get to those scenes. It turns out that we were close. The scenes were to be a Masters of the Universe sequel. The rest of the movie was bullshit because they couldn’t actually make a Masters of the Universe movie.
Beyond the basic plot, there isn’t much going on. Its just fight scene after fight scene. The fights are good and this falls in the category of ‘schlocky action movie’. It’s not really bad. It’s competent.
The main bad guy (Vincent Klyn) was awesome. A huge beast that will break anyone. This was his first job and later in life, he also acts in Kick Boxer and Double Dragon (which we’ve watched). Then his sidekick, Alex Daniels, is another huge monster that has a million stunt credits to his name.
The bad part of this movie is that it lacked stupid moments. Our expectations was for stupidity because we saw that Cannon logo at the start. But this movie was too good to be Cannon.
We suggest you watch this movie.
Ah, a fun movie that was made cheaply and is somewhat interesting to watch. Good times.
This was the 1994 movie made be Roger Corman. He’s 90 and still making shitty movies.
I remember watching the Jessica Alba Fantastic Four and hating it because it was a terrible story and at that point we all knew how they became what they are. This is a interesting tangent for this post. We know the origin of these retards because this movie was made a million times. Let me check what IMDB says. Movies in 1994, 2005, 2007, 2015. Series in 1967, 1978, 1994. Game in 1997, 2005. Wikipedia says that the 1994 movie wasn’t even released. It was made to because the ownership rights would be canceled if it the asset was not used. So there won’t be revenue, but it did cost $1.5m to be made. The 2005 one costs $100m and made $330m. The 2015 version costs $120m and made $168m. I honestly thought that they all were making losses.
Back to 1994 Fantastic Four. You know the story. Four people somehow go into space and are exposed to some radiation and they get special powers and end up meeting an old friend. Except that the old friend is actually an enemy and wants to destroy the world and they are the only people that can stop him. And they do stop him.
Here are some parts we remember:
- Dr Doom looks like he was wearing the same material you put on pool tables.
- Dr Doom can’t be heard when he is in his metal suit.
- We spent a long time trying to understand the mechanics of Sue Storm’s invisibility power. She and her suit can go invisible, but her suit was made after he was exposed to the radiation. So does anything she touch become invisible? Why didn’t the space ship go invisible? She was touching her boots, and her boots touched the ship. What if she touched the ship with her bare hands? Does it go invisible like a Klingon Bird of Prey? Let’s say that new things that she touches cant become invisible. Then it would be logical that when she at a sandwich, you would see the bits of food travel down her throat and then get digested and then sit in the waiting area in her colon. Then, does the thing that is invisible remain invisible after it stops touching her? Like if she’s taking a dump, how would she know when to stop wiping? Also, you would be able to see if she had a virus because her lungs or organs would be infected by a foreign organism. Later in life, she and Reed Richards would have sex and maybe start a family. Would you see her getting pregnant in real time? Would the baby have the invisible powers too? Does it dilute the power as the generations progress? Would you eventually be a 10th generation Sue Storm and only be 90% visible? Or, if you retained the full power of invisibility, would you eventually start a school for the Storm kids of kids? Would they ever be able to detect incest? Would that gene in an incest baby be double its power? So that they now appear as negatives instead of transparent. These are all important questions that would need more than 90 minutes to resolve.
- Reed leaves his wedding to Sure by waving to the crowd through the sunroof of his limo using his 10 foot arm. Worst wave ever.
- Dr Doom’s henchmen are the Dinks from Spaceballs but they wear green material from a pool table.
- The Thing is another retard that ran away from the group only to join a gang that was funded by the enemy. They resolved this subplot quickly and he was back in the group. He only wears the shorts of the uniform and the rest can wear the full jump suit. In the movie’s universe, what was Sue thinking when she made the suit? Did she not know she needed all this material? Did she know that Thing would be ok with just the Shorts? What if its winter? Maybe she did what she did because that suit material would wear out being next to all those rocks? Then aren’t shorts the exact thing that would wear out first? This are important questions.
- The Flame guy is a retard and is animated most of the movie when his fire is lit. He turns it on and off by voice command. “Flame on” and “flame off” will do it. But, to get the power, you need radiation, and this changed all of him and not just his hands. So does that mean he can say “flame on” and think of his dick and then his dick catches on fire? In the last scene, he has to fly from a weapon firing a laser and outrun it and then block it with his body and then push it with his body to the origin to destroy the weapon. Why didn’t he just block it at the origin? He was right there when it fired. The beam that escaped would be small and not do too much harm and he would be able to quickly deal with the weapon. Flying to the tip would waste valuable time and at that point he didn’t know he could defeat it. These are important questions.
This movie was more coherent that the ones that followed it and also more entertaining. Watch it.
Robot soldiers run away when they are threatened with termination and then want to have sex with each other. Sounds interesting right? Well, that sentence is probably more interesting than the entire movie.
Ok. here’s the plot. It’s a 1994 movie set in the near future that looks exactly like 1994. Some bad guy is holding someone hostage. The SWAT team is T-Force. A bunch of cyborgs that can take bullets and don’t sleep. They try to solve the hostage situation and end up killing one of the hostages. So the government decides to cancel the team and use them to charge cell phones. For some reason, they have free will and decide to run away. The real cops are now after them and so is one of the good cyborgs. Something happened and it ended. We couldn’t care about this. It was so damn boring.
It looked like Die hard and Terminator 1 was the inspiration of this movie. And this is probably the reason the movie was made. It’s like all those Ninja movies where they call it Ninja 3 but there was no Ninja 2 with the correct story arc. This producer probably thought he could hedge his bets by making a movie that could be a Die Hard sequel or a Terminator sequel. I’m pretty sure that they laughed at him when he tried to sell it as a sequel.
The main actor was Jack Scalia, who you would recognize from…nothing. He’s been in many forgettable movies in forgettable roles. The Director is Richard Pepin. Who has produced over 100 movies and only directed 15. I’m calling it now, he fired the director and had to step in. That’s why it’s so shit. Usually we find that the people that make B-movies usually end up working with other people we like and they make more B-movies that we like. T-Force is like the Bizarro version. The actors, Directors and Writers have made other movies that were just as boring. I wonder how much money there is in ‘boring’ movie market. I tried to find stats on this movie and could find anything.
Anyway, don’t watch this shit. It will put you to sleep.
This movie was bad and we felt bad.
1990’s Ghoul School seems like a school project of a movie. It blew our minds that it actually had a production and distribution on IMDB. I was expecting it to say “Made by Jeff for five bucks because he lost a bet”. Nope. Someone had a vision. A pretty shit vision.
So two stupid thugs break into this school which seems to look like a plutonium refinery with all their pipes. How many pipes does one school need? Maybe three, cold water, sewage and gas. This one had a million. And they padded the runtime by following the path of the pipes in the intro. The baddies are hunting for a treasure or something and then manage to spill toxic waste on the grounds. Firstly, who the hell hides a treasure in a school? Secondly, Why does a school have a toxic chemicals pipe. Anyway, a person gets infected and then runs around the school infecting others until the main guy kills them all. They’re not zombies because they don’t have to die to become an undead baddie.
Honestly, thats probably what happened. It was so damn boring that we ended up talking about the economy at the time. We saw scenes of people running in that school all the time and we didn’t care. Let them all die. We’re also going to try to ‘watch’ these poor movies till the end. We’re not going to pull the plug at the 30 minute mark. Obviously, this is in the hope that the movie will turn out to be good. Like Terror in Beverly Hills. That took 40 minutes. But what a gem. “Close the fucking doors!”. We would also allow for some movies to be killed instantly. Like Cannibal Holocaust.
One of the main guys seems to have a damaged face. His lip was working on one half and dead-pan on the other half of his face.
There’s not much to this snoozefest. Avoid it.
It’s 1981 and EON released the twelfth James Bond movie called For Your Eyes Only. So what do you need to do to cash in on this craze before it fades away? You catch the next flight to Manila, find a midget, make a knock off in a weekend and then sit back back to watch the money roll in. Good times.
The short actor in question is named Weng Weng. He has a tragic life before and after this movie. But that’s too serious for this website.
We spend 90 minutes laughing our butts off watching this. The secret agent 00 has to stop a bad guy named Mr Big. Obviously he is another midget. Or dwarf. Mr Big wants to hold the world hostage for some reason.
Here are some moments we loved:
- 00 jumps to the ground from a large height. Im sure his knees were broken by the end of the movie.
- 00 wears a new suit for no reason in every scene.
- 00 can parachute down 40 floors with just an umbrella.
- 00 is a womanizer.
- 00 can slide on the ground and shoot bad guys until he runs out of floor and hits his head.
- 00 kills a million people.
- 00 carries a pistol that can be expanded to become an Uzi.
- Everyone else can kill a million people.
- 00 has a hat like Oddjob except that its better because 00 can remote control the hat in flight using his watch.
- Bad guys were dubbed by New York accent mobsters.
- Bad guys drive a 60’s VW bug thats way to small to do anything bad.
- 00’s boss says that 00 is just like James Bone. Not Bond. Bone.
- Bad guys wear John Travolta shirts.
This movie made it into our top 3 of all time. Its insanely funny. Watch it.
In 1987, a baboon named Typhoon stars as a British spy that needs to capture Nazi’s hiding in Brazil. He has a sidekick named Duncan Jax. The details of the movie are pretty straightforward. They find out about a weapon and they go to Brazil. They bump into Nazi’s, kill them, find out Hitler is kept alive and has a key to disarm the weapon. Everyone dies except the good guys. But this simple plot hides the way in which the movie goes about doing everything. Here is everything thats amazing about this movie:
- The baboon wears tuxedos.
- He also makes derogatory hand gestures. All the time.
- He was the star of another movie we watched called Shakma.
- He has his own baboon sized tank called the Desert Fox that he uses to save the day and kill everyone.
- Everyone dies twice. Because repeat footage is cheap and the audience wont notice.
- Duncan Jax has all the gadgets that Q branch would have given James Bond in 15 movies.
- Villains get knocked out with light punches.
- There was a guy named blade that used a knife attack.
- Guy named wires to make explosives. Everything blew up. Twice.
- A big guy that tossed people around. He was like the cobra tossing man in the cobra pit.
- A guy named bolt that used a crossbow.
- A girl that looked like MayDay from James Bond.
- A man was literally run over by a vehicle and the footage was kept in the movie.
Why was this movie made? We think MGM wanted to cash in on the cult of James Bond movies. This was going to be an american production with no dry humour, more slapstick comedy and a baboon.
They made two movies and this was the second of the two. We will eventually watch the first one. But thats because we’re big fans of the baboon.
Watch this movie. The baboon sized tank is worth it.
In 1982, the proud nation of Turkey decided to make a science fiction movie called Dünyayi Kurtaran Adam or, in English, The man who saves the world. This is better known as Turkish Star Wars to the English speaking world.
It isn’t actually very Star Wars in its story. They ripped footage off the Star Wars movie to be used as filler in this movie. The actual plot of this one was that there was this one pilot that crashed on some planet with all men and one woman and he seduced her by smiling at her. During the seduction a villain existed. We couldn’t tell why he did what he did or what he was doing. The movie only kept cutting to generic Star Wars X-wing fighter scenes. It got so bad that an actor stood in front of the projector screen and the director though it was good enough to give us the impression that he was a fighter pilot too. The bad guy was a retard too. Just look at his hat in the picture above.
There was a badass training montage that went on forever. The main guy was in a rocky desert and he had to jump with rocks tied to his legs, bench press rocks, hit them with his hands and jump on the spot. I think airwolf music was playing in the background. We heard james bond music too in the film. Shameless.
The audio was still Turkish, so we had to rely on subtitles to understand what was going on. It didn’t help.
This movie was terrible. We laughed at the theft of Star Wars footage, but that wore off about half way into the movie. Nothing was good afterwards.
We’re pushing the limits of human torture to new records. Yep, we watched four Sharknados at once. Each quarter of the screen was home to a single movie and the all the audio was played at once.
I think that this is the only way to watch these movies. Here’s the rough outline:
- Shaknado 1 (2013) took itself seriously. There is a hurricane and it has sharks and they fly around Los Angeles
- Sharknado 2 (2014) was in New York. It was the same plot and had more cameos.
- Sharknado 3 (2015) was in Orlando. It was the same plot and had more cameos.
- Sharknado 4 (2016) was in Las Vegas. It was the same plot and had more cameos.
Interesting point on #4 is that the main guy’s premise say that he was shark free for the last five years. The main guy is the same actor in all four movies and they all look like they take place in the year that they were made. So 2016’s movie could not have a five year gap. Unless the prior three where set in the past or if the fourth one was in the future. But if all the props in the movie are current in the year that they were made, the five-year premise is impossible.
The lead actress in all four is Tara Reed. You can see her age a lot between these. Poor thing needs to take better care of herself.
Watching four movies at the same time is an interesting experience. The beats of the movies seemed similar so we kind of knew where everyone is and what everyone is doing. We figured out how to focus our hearing to one movie at a time and switch with slight difficulty. Following the mouth was a big help. The PC needed to be powerful enough to cope with 4 movies at a time and not cause any lag in audio. I think mine is a quad core i5 with lots of RAM.
They also where predicable enough with the first third being introductions, the second being some difficulty and the last third being the battle and victory. The third and fourth movies had longer introductions because of their heavy reliance on cameos. People want to see movies because they are entertaining not because they have a certain star that says a line. Maybe I’m out of date with my assumption of the average person.
Overall, the movies were passable as entertainment. They knew what they were making and the actors didn’t take it too seriously. This eliminates it from being called a bad movie. A bad movie is where everyone tries hard to make a good movie and fail spectacularly. These four are actually pretty boring. You know exactly what’s going to happen to everyone.
We’ve never watched any of them before and we now see that we would be turned off them if we did. Individual movies at least. Watching all four at the same time was a much better experience. You could use the time you would have spent waiting for your prediction to come true as time you could now spend keeping track of three other movies.
If you must watch it, do something fun while watching it. Or watch it the way we did.
I think that this technique of parallel watching will not be the last time we use it.