Druids

druids_1

I saw a review of this by I Hate Everything on YouTube. Had to watch it. Boy was it bad.

I’m really interested in WHY its so bad. What was the context? What events took place that could cause such a mess?

This movie was released in 2001 and the big revenue movies that had swords and horses were Gladiator, The Mummy, Lord of the Rings, A Knight’s Tale, Joan of Arc and 13th Warrior. Gladiator was in 2000 and made $400m. They made a lot of money and they were epic. So someone from the eight (yes 8) production companies thought that this was a good way to make a few bucks. Middle ages, swords and horses. What could go wrong?

You know you’re going to get shit output when there are eight production companies telling everybody what to do. Apparently this movie costs 15million USD to make. So each of the 8 production companies put in 2 million. The sets and costumes are really bad. Production quality is bad. They do scenes in one take and then leave the bad ones in the movie. Lambert has a really bad wig and mustache. Max von Sydow has about five minutes of screen time. It’s shot in Bulgaria probably because its cheap. The horses needed to be fed. I think that this movie probably costs $5m and someone stole $10m in various ways. The production companies are then left to fight with other for not paying attention to the purse.

The writer/director/producer is Jacques Dorfman. Who isn’t brain damaged because he’s made better movies before. There are no real credits for him after 2001. I say ‘real’ credits because the two credits after 2001 are for mysterious documentaries in french that run for many seasons but do not have any other credits on IMDB, no cast, no synopsis and no reviews. His trivia page says that he supported a frenchman to run for president in 2002. Maybe that was his game? Make good movies, become friends with a prime minister, run a scam, donate to potential president, run the film industry. But it fell apart when the potential president lost this campaign. Maybe he stole the Druid production money? Maybe I have a terrible imagination after brain damage from watching this movie.

So what happens in this movie? We think… There is this guy, who sees his father get killed by Cesar, then sets out to get an army to kill Cesar but he surrenders in the end and dies. It would have been a tragedy if someone in the movie cared about him and that would make us care for him too.

Here are some more memorable parts:

  • There are always flies around the main actor
  • There is a guy that wanted to stab a wooden pillar and misses and they left the take in the final cut
  • There is a guy that drinks from a jug and half its contents fall inside his armor plate costume
  • There are terrible wigs worn by everyone
  • Sound doesn’t match peoples mouth
  • Accent is not consistent
  • Scenes are repeated to pad the movie. but each repetition is changed slightly. Like a slight zoom. or flipped horizontally, or played in reverse.
  • Camera is too close to the action preventing us from noticing that not much is actually going on
  • There are french people fighting the romans. For some reason there are druids at the start and end. They add nothing to the plot.
  • Swords are made from biscuits
  • Everything in the sets were plastic

This movie is really shit. The only guy to blame is Jacques Dorfmann. It’s not very even very enjoyable to watch because its hard to understand what anyone is saying.

Should you watch it? Yes. But as punishment for having an active brain.