In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale

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Burt Reynolds, Ron Perlman, Leelee Sobieski, Jason Statham, Ray Liotta, the retard ‘crash and burn’ guy from Hackers and John Rhys-Davies are some famous stars right? And they’re expensive right? So you better have a good script and directors to get full value from them. Right? WRONG. Uwe Boll, a genius that is capable of sweet talking these people into acting in one of his movies, manages to defy sound judgment and crank out a terrible movie. Uwe is also known to challenge critics to a fist fight. I would be as successful as his movie.

This is a swords and horses epic that would be followed by two equally shitty sequels. What was happening that lead to this movie being released in 2007? The Lord of the Rings trilogy was between 2001 and 2003, Gladiator was 2000, Kingdom of Heaven was 2005, Eragon in 2006 and The Last Legion in 2007. Each of these movies were fairy successful. Lord of the rings made hundreds of millions.

In 2007, the German government launched a German Film Fund to give grant funding to German movies. 296m Euros were in the fund. The budget for this movie was 60m USD. About 45.6m Euro in 2007 rates. So there we have it. The Film fund was the cause of this movie. Uwe convinced them to give him a ton of money to hire some top names and crank out a Lord of the Rings clone in about a week. What could go wrong? How hard can it be?

Lets talk about the Lord of the Rings knock off. I doubt Uwe thought he would make more than one movie so he crammed copies of memorable scenes from Lord of the Rings into this movie. There are orcs, a giant wall, some shire-looking places, magical palace, some Sauron fire things, a hole in the ground that uses lava for fuel and some catapulting shit contraption. Why would the movie fail? We did some good copy work. Don’t audiences like copies of good movies?

Let me try and remember the story. Burt is the king, Hackers retard wants to be king, he hires Goodfella Ray, they burn a town where Jason Statham was a farmer known as Farmer where his main job was to be a Farmer. He could have been farming rocks or water, we aren’t told. Jason gets pissed off and kills all the bad guys.

Here’s some questions that the movie raises and never answers:

  • Why the fuck does anyone want this shitty kingdom? It has about 50 people and they all work for the army? The only civilian is Farmer
  • Why the fuck is Farmer named Farmer and we don’t know what he farms?
  • Why the fuck was Ray Liotta (bad guy) banging Leelee and then Leelee was part of the good guys and didn’t tell them what the bad guys were doing?
  • Why the fuck didn’t Lord of the Rings light orcs on fire and use them as ammunition for the Catapult?
  • Why the fuck did Ron Perlman think a pick axe was a good weapon?
  • Why the fuck didn’t any of the actors read the script before accepting the part?
  • Why the fuck didn’t someone read the script before giving it to Uwe?
  • Why the fuck didn’t Uwe read the script?

So, should you watch it? Fuck Yeah! It’s retarded and glorious. The world needs Uwe. And Uwe needs money. Its sad that his kickstarter wasn’t funded. He genuinely tries to make a good movie and fails spectacularly. He is the perfect b-movie maker.

WATCH IT!