Enemy Gold

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We’re finishing our 12-pack of Andy Sidaris’ Girls Guns and G-Strings. This 1993 gem is one of the last few in the pack. Also, in these last few movies, the usual tropes are no there: Hope Marie, Dona Spier, Hawaii, the red jeep, Molokai microlite and an Andy cameo. We still have the 1994 and 1996 movies, the last two, to watch and confirm.

As usual, some feds are after some drug dealers. The twist is that there is gold in the involved from a civil war. The drug dealer finds out and wants some of that. The scenes are pretty flat and uninteresting but the stand out performance is by the main villain. He was so bad at ever line he delivered. It was like he lost a bet and didn’t want to be there. Andy-the-one-take-wonder obvious was asleep in the directors chair and didn’t inspire any energy. It was the best worst performance we’ve ever seen. It strange that it was so bad because Andy loved him so much that he put him in 10 or 11 of the 12 movies. Oh and the feds are a trio of a gay couple and a lady. The have exposition in the pool. In fact, they stop an investigation to get to this pool. I don’t remember much because Rodrigo, the bad guy, was so hilariously bad.

No planes that blow up, no radio controlled toys. Do not watch if you don’t like being bored. Who am I kidding? If you’re reading this shit, you obviously love shit movies and you will watch it.

 

Super Mario Bros

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We’re kicking off 2017 with some shit from 1993.

Before this turd, no movie had been made that was based on a video game. The game was released in japan in 1985 and in USA in 1987. The producer probably got excited with the concept because it was so new and didn’t realise that its harder to get do than to just make a regular movie. There are just a few similarities between the game and the movie. You have Mario Mario and Luigi Mario that wear red and green respectively. The name of King Koopa but he is not a giant turtle. The goombas are in a really silly rubber suit. Thats were it ends. The girl that needs to be rescued is not Princess Peach. She is Princess Daisy.  There are no jumping around, no bashing bricks, no turtles, no giant mushrooms, no double height Marios and no green tunnels.

The story is about two plumber brothers that rescue a girl they meet that gets kidnapped. The area she is kept in is a parallel world that you can access if you jump through a wall in a cave.

This was an incredibly boring movie with a few slapstick set pieces that don’t smooth out the flow. They couldn’t make a movie closely based on the game and then they couldn’t even make a movie with a coherent story.

DO NOT WATCH