Project ALF

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This was the worst movie we’ve seen in a long time.

I admit that I’ve never watched the original series that aired in the 80s and 90s. Partly because it was dubbed in an ethnic language and I had to bust out a radio to listen to the unsynchronized English audio and partly because I didn’t get the comedy.

The plot is pretty simple. There is ALF the alien, for some reason the military has him and there are these two officers that, for no reason, want to bust him out and set him free. After he is free, he is in some government protection. He eats a lot, is juvenile, fucking obnoxious and bloody annoying.

There is no character development in the movie. All of them are on a single track. The bad guy does bad guy things. The good girl does good girl things. ALF eats and cracks jokes. Good guy does good guy things. 95 minutes of this felt like four hours.

Why was this made? Was the world screaming for a movie when they normally watched the TV series? Let us look at the franchise. The series ran from 1986 to 1990. It was 4 seasons and 26 episodes each with each episode having a run time of 22 minutes. Then there was a TV movie in 1987 that doesn’t have much information about it. Then this movie in 1996. Six years after the last episode. The movie didn’t have any of the old cast except the voice actor and the ALF puppet. According to IMDB, the end of the TV show is about ALF leaving earth to go back to his planet and it ended on a cliffhanger where the audience didn’t know the fate of ALF. This movie sounds like it trivially resolves it with ‘the military caught him, and lawyers freed him’. No one felt like he was in any danger anyways. But was the fan base that influential? Six years is a long time. They probably all forgot about it by now. And the puppeteers also hated ALF by now because they hated the fact that a puppet is more famous than them. I guess we’ll never know why it was made. I don’t buy it that the fans demanded closure.

This show sucks. Avoid it.

 

Masters of the Universe

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I’ve never liked He-Man. So I’ve don’t know who anyone is. I watched this and didn’t know what was going on or why anyone did anything.

From what I gather, the plot is around the blonde guy that needs to kill the skeleton guy for some reason. He has a sword, the skeleton has the same sword too. There is a rotating weapon/mcguffin/buttplug that the blonde team owns and the skeleton team needs to capture. There are two worlds too. The one with the skeleton and his ninja looking henchmen and the world with humans.

This movie is a mess. It’s like the producers had too too many ideas and too little money or focus. There’s also a feeling of no consequences when skeleton guy gets power over his world, only four people are affected. There’s no reason to even battle him. It would probably be wiser for He-Man to just jump to the earth world and walk away. It’s not like he was missing anything in his magic world.

The characters are a mess too. He-Man is clumsy as fuck. He drops his sword, the props fall on him unintentionally, dialogue is terrible, his voice sucks, his costume is hilarious and he’s so big, all his actions look silly against the other cast.

There is a dwarf guy that is the most annoying character on the planets. The voice, the words, the mannerisms will make you want to murder the people that are watching this shit with you.

So its a mess, nothing is good, nothing redeeming. Ok, the score is redeeming. It was make by Bill Conti, the guy that did all of the Rocky movies. Back to the movie. Why was it made? Its 1987 and its two years after the cartoon series ended. It ran for two seasons and it was successful. It was made by Mattel, in 1981, to sell toys and was pretty successful. The cartoon ran for three years and by the end of it the toy line seems to be losing steam. Mattel though that a live action movie would boost sales. For some reason they gave Cannon $22m and the original toy material and not the cartoons. So there were characters missing between the cartoon and movie. This movie was a failure and only made $17m and the toys stopped production in 1988, a year after the movie was made. So there we have it, it was made to market the toys. Cannon would try in 1989 to cash on the asset by making a cheap sequel called ‘Masters of the Universe: Cyborg’, but Mattel wanted too much for the rights. So Cannon changed a bit of the story and called it ‘Cyborg’. We watched before and here is the review.

This movie makes the biggest sin, its boring. Do not watch.

Speed 2: Cruise Control

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Speed 2 achieves one goal: to be the low point in the careers of everyone involved.

Jan de Bont used to operate the cameras but is a director. He made Speed and Twister in 1994 and 1996 and knocked it out of the ball park. Its 1997 now and obviously he is on a roll. He shat out a script and no one wanted to be involved in this. Sandra Bullock took it on because she needed cash to make her own movie afterwards. Jason Patric was successful in Sleepers in the previous year and wanted some Keanu size money. Willem Dafoe? I can’t figure it out. He’s in three movies a year and is always high quality. This movie scores a 3.7 on IMDB and without Willem it would have been a 2.

The movie is very linear and predictable. They start by showing that Alex (Jason Patric) is a cop that does stunts to catch the bad guy. Then him and Sandra go on a Cruise. Then a bad guy kills the captain and takes over the ship. Then people die. Then there is an almost end where Alex diverts the ship from a crash. Then the real end where it crashes into a plywood waterfront.  Then the bad guy escapes but Alex does stunts to catch him.

Why does the bad guy want to do all of this? There was jewelery in the ships vault but then why is there a vault in the ship? Its a stupid cruise ship not some intercontinental resort. The bad guy probably paid more for his bombs than what he recovered from the vault. How does he know the worth of the vault? Maybe its shitty quality jewelery. Why does he need to kill everyone to get the jewelery? Can’t he take it and run away? He already proved that he is a computer hacker so he could just erase his records. The effort and intensity of the crime is not matched by the reward.

The is a shit subplot so show that Alex isn’t just a piece of wood. He can be one of the cool kids. He’s whacky. He’s hip. He wears sneakers to a formal event to show some deaf kid that he’s cool. Why? Why is this kid so important? Why does he need to show he’s cool with kids? Later in the movie the kids is lost and he goes to search for her and save her. He does those stunts again. Its a 20 minute addition to the run time having this subplot and it does nothing to improve the film. In fact, it makes the film worse. We kept asking ourselves “How would a deaf person do some or other activity?”.

Sandra bullock does nothing in the movie. Events happen around her for some reason. She doesn’t reason out a solution or negotiate with the bad guy or other victims like in Speed 1. All she does is scream “Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex!” every five fucking seconds.

The ending has the fake cruise ship crash into a fake waterfront. As expected, all of the town’s people do normal things, see the ship, make big-eyes and then run away. In the movie the width of the ship is about 50 meters. I can imagine about 8 or 9 cars fitting bumper to bumper. But he pier is about 2 or 3 meters wide. During the crash the ship looks about two or three times the width of the pier. It should have been 20 times the width. Then the ship moves at a constant velocity into the waterfront. It should have been slowing down. I looked at some ship crashes on the internet and the ship goes maybe one or two meters into the waterfront. Not 20 meters in. I guess they weren’t able to afford any engineers in this movie. Oh wait, the budget was $160m. And you couldn’t get a scientist-man for an hour to tell you how the crash should occur? Good use of $20m for the crash scene.

No one should have made this movie. No one should watch this movie. Who am I kidding? Its hilariously stupid. Watch it.

Robocop 3

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You know its O.C.P. Yeah you know me!

Some people are about to get evicted from a place. We aren’t told if its a legal or illegal eviction. Robocop, for no reason, wants to protect the residents against his makers. There’s a fight. It ends.

It was so boring, I don’t remember anything else.

Baby Brown

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This movie is so stupid, no one wrote their real names down on the credits.

1990 was a great year in South Africa. The average guy in the street had access to affordable video cameras and Casio keyboards. We were hard at work mocking our favourite South African accents and trying to figure out the filming locations and how far away we lived from them.

The plot is about a thug that sells drugs. His girlfriend escapes the compound and goes into a witness protection programme. I think the girlfriend was an undercover cop. The main cops are these to women that get drunk for no reason on some day. The do a bit of acting and then they end with an awesome shootout in the middle of some bush.

The best part of the movie are the uzzis that shoot single shots and the revolvers that work like uzzis.

Fellow South Africans will enjoy: Honda Ballades, Mazda 323s, Hillbrow, a hardware store in Randburg, the highway bridge in Kempton Park and those accents.

This should be required viewed if you’re South African.

WATCH IT

Leonard part 6

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This movie is so bad that even Bill Cosby will tell you not to watch it.

It’s 1987 and Bill is busy like a bee. Cranking out movies every year, just finished the Fat Albert series. In the middle of season two of the Cosby show. So he thinks he can get away with anything. People love anything he makes because he made it. So he co-wrote this turd. And it failed so hard.

The story is about a retired spy. He is called back into action for no reason. The bad guy is this woman with a bunch of henchmen that wear wife-beaters. His wife left him and he tries to get back with her. His daughter is dating someone as old as him. Coke is the sponsor. Oh, and there were no parts 1 to 5. Thats a gag the guy at the start of the film says its top secret or lost or something.

There is one good scene where the bad lady summons her frogs to go under a cop car, and then bounce it into the river. I think the bad lady was using animals to take over the world.

The whole movie is awful. It’s a series of gags from scene to scene that are barely funnier than shit you find in an Adam Sandler movie. The movie is realistic in its own universe. The only thing that is at fault is the reason why the bad lady is bad and why Leonard is the only guy that can stop her. It’s not like those bad movies that rely on shock words or gross scenes or fart jokes. Its clean in that way. I think Bill was having withdrawal symptoms from writing scripts as a 6 year old when he did Fat Albert. The acting is OK given the material, the camera work is OK too. Its just the poor script.

If you’re 6, and you need to go play with your friends in 20 minutes, start watching this. Don’t finish it. Dont watch it if you’re older. Or maybe you’re as dumb as us and you would watch it anyways.

Solarbabies

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1986’s Solarbabies is so competent that we found nothing to hate about.

There are these kids that are slaves in some post-apocalyptic world. They find a magic orb. The powers they gain are: a deaf kid can hear again and it rained inside a room once. Great powers. Useful. Especially in a desert. Because… ah, fuck it.

Some guy see all of this and decides to steal the orb. They capture him but they remain friends. What? He’s the bad guy. Fuck it.

They escape their prison land and run away. I tried to stay awake at this point. What can I say? Maybe if they… fuck it, this movie is shit.

There is a part about some stupid sport that looks like Rollerball where is part roller  skates, part hockey and part, basket ball. The arena is a small ditch. The aim is to get the ball in the hoop. No extra rules needed. No reason for me to say ‘fuck it’.

Do not watch!

Ghost Dad

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Bill can’t get a break. All of his movies end up on ‘worst’ lists.

1990 was his creation directly after Leonard Part 6. He probably thought that three years was enough of a gap to get people to love him again. Nope. The same issue here. A shit script.

Bill is a single father of three children and he needs to do something at work otherwise he gets fired. He rushes to work and dies in a car crash. He comes back as a ghost with stupid physics, struggles to get to grip with the new reality and then succeeds because. Just because.

The only thing I remember was that the physics didn’t make sense in its own reality. Ghost Bill can walk through walls except when he can’t. He falls through floors but doesn’t reach the other side of the planet. He needs to use a taxi but sometimes flies. He can only be heard by his children except when everyone can hear him. They can only see him in the dark except when they can see him fine.

This is movie is for kids. But not any kid. If you have a stupid kid or a kid you want to become stupid, get them to watch this. Sure it will be entertaining to them but they will walk away with lower IQs.

For the love of pizza, DO NOT WATCH THIS.

 

Moonwalker

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In 1988, Michael Jackson released a movie that wasn’t a movie. This is when we should have known that he is a liar and a fraud.

Moonwalker is not a movie. It’s a montage of his songs that is put in such a sequence that a very loose story can be overlaid on it. Most of the song video will be replaced with new footage that fits a narrative. Hey this sounds like the birth of FAKE NEWS. Tremendous!

How do I even judge this as a movie? Does it have a plot? Maybe, Michael is a friend to children. Does it have characters? No. There are people but if there is no story to progress, they can be considered as props. The sound is all from an MJ cassette. The camera work in when the real song footage is on is great. The other times when there’s animation or stop motion clay is bad.

So why was this made? I think I know. In 1988, people had MJ cassettes and maybe vinyls. They heard him on radio too. They could only see him at a live concert, or the news, maybe a music show on TV. Nothing ‘on demand’. This is probably the reason they made some video content. Why did they pick this format and not just leave a bunch of music videos unedited? According to the trivia section of IMDB, MJ wanted this to be in cinemas and due to budget reasons, it went to video. So maybe he knew this from the start. He wanted something feature length, 90 minutes, and the audience weren’t going to pay money to watch 10 of his music videos. So he can trick the audience into watching music videos if they put new footage to make it look like a story and plot. He made the Thriller movie 5 year before this and its was a hit. He could do the same but with less effort and people would just buy it without thinking right?

This is not a movie. Do not watch. If you don’t care that its not a movie, do not watch it either. It’s bad.

Cool as Ice

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Cool as Ice is so bad that you can only watch it with a welding mask and ear plugs.

Where to begin? I want to understand this movie. Not just the content, but the context in which it was made. The core of plot was pretty simple. There is this motorcyclist that meets a girl, and she likes him other despite the fact that she comes from the better side of the railroad tracks. He father doesn’t approve and for no reason he is involved with some shady business that gets his son kidnapped and only Mr Ice can save him.

So the actual plot is worth about 10 minutes of footage. The rest is all filler. There is a 10 minute introduction music sequence. It’s there to introduce the top-billed actress Naomi Campell. We will see her zero times after this.

Then in the next scene Ice is on a motorcycle and sees a girl riding a horse next to the road. He miraculously jumps over a fence to meet her but this scares the horse and she is thrown off. Does he show remorse? Nope. Does he know that he wont be able to get to the other side of the fence now? Nope.  The scene ends.

His friend has some electrical problem with his cycle. So they find a mechanic that strips the bike down to individual components and then angle grinds the bike frame. Why? To show that they’re stupid? To show that Vanilla and his friends aren’t good judges of character? Nope. Its to waste 10 minutes with a montage.

A few scenes later the mechanic and his wife do a break dance for some reason. 5 minute filler. Another 10 minutes of romantic playfulness around a construction site.

The whole movie is like this. Random scenes put together to distract you from the fact that you’re watching a movie and should have actual movie things inside. Vanilla also always wears bright sunglasses to distract you from the fact that he looks deformed and that everything he says is stupid.

So thats the movie. Now, why was it made? In 1990 and Vanilla broke a record of making a CD that was the fastest selling hip-hop CD in history. One of his songs also stayed as a number-1 song in some famous chart for four months. Did people like his music for its essence? Or did they buy and listen because he was a novelty? Either way, there’s our smoking gun. He is famous and some guy in a suit in Hollywood wanted to make a few bucks riding on his fame. The production company was Alive Films that list a few not-very-famous movies prior to this. I’m sure they had mild success. They probably thought that this was going to be their big cash grab. They pumped $6 million into producing this junk. $1 million was for Vanilla. Who knows how much was pumped into marketing. It made about $1 million in sales. I can’t see any movies listed by them after 1991. So this movie probably killed them. I suppose it serves them right. They thought the audience are a bunch of idiots. If they paid money for his CD, and it was crap, they would pay movie for his movie. Who cares about making a good movie?

If you can’t stand cringe, don’t watch this. This is not your typical b-movie. It’s a c-movie. Hey, I’m coining that!