Cool as Ice

coolasice

Cool as Ice is so bad that you can only watch it with a welding mask and ear plugs.

Where to begin? I want to understand this movie. Not just the content, but the context in which it was made. The core of plot was pretty simple. There is this motorcyclist that meets a girl, and she likes him other despite the fact that she comes from the better side of the railroad tracks. He father doesn’t approve and for no reason he is involved with some shady business that gets his son kidnapped and only Mr Ice can save him.

So the actual plot is worth about 10 minutes of footage. The rest is all filler. There is a 10 minute introduction music sequence. It’s there to introduce the top-billed actress Naomi Campell. We will see her zero times after this.

Then in the next scene Ice is on a motorcycle and sees a girl riding a horse next to the road. He miraculously jumps over a fence to meet her but this scares the horse and she is thrown off. Does he show remorse? Nope. Does he know that he wont be able to get to the other side of the fence now? Nope.  The scene ends.

His friend has some electrical problem with his cycle. So they find a mechanic that strips the bike down to individual components and then angle grinds the bike frame. Why? To show that they’re stupid? To show that Vanilla and his friends aren’t good judges of character? Nope. Its to waste 10 minutes with a montage.

A few scenes later the mechanic and his wife do a break dance for some reason. 5 minute filler. Another 10 minutes of romantic playfulness around a construction site.

The whole movie is like this. Random scenes put together to distract you from the fact that you’re watching a movie and should have actual movie things inside. Vanilla also always wears bright sunglasses to distract you from the fact that he looks deformed and that everything he says is stupid.

So thats the movie. Now, why was it made? In 1990 and Vanilla broke a record of making a CD that was the fastest selling hip-hop CD in history. One of his songs also stayed as a number-1 song in some famous chart for four months. Did people like his music for its essence? Or did they buy and listen because he was a novelty? Either way, there’s our smoking gun. He is famous and some guy in a suit in Hollywood wanted to make a few bucks riding on his fame. The production company was Alive Films that list a few not-very-famous movies prior to this. I’m sure they had mild success. They probably thought that this was going to be their big cash grab. They pumped $6 million into producing this junk. $1 million was for Vanilla. Who knows how much was pumped into marketing. It made about $1 million in sales. I can’t see any movies listed by them after 1991. So this movie probably killed them. I suppose it serves them right. They thought the audience are a bunch of idiots. If they paid money for his CD, and it was crap, they would pay movie for his movie. Who cares about making a good movie?

If you can’t stand cringe, don’t watch this. This is not your typical b-movie. It’s a c-movie. Hey, I’m coining that!