Speed 2: Cruise Control

speed2

Speed 2 achieves one goal: to be the low point in the careers of everyone involved.

Jan de Bont used to operate the cameras but is a director. He made Speed and Twister in 1994 and 1996 and knocked it out of the ball park. Its 1997 now and obviously he is on a roll. He shat out a script and no one wanted to be involved in this. Sandra Bullock took it on because she needed cash to make her own movie afterwards. Jason Patric was successful in Sleepers in the previous year and wanted some Keanu size money. Willem Dafoe? I can’t figure it out. He’s in three movies a year and is always high quality. This movie scores a 3.7 on IMDB and without Willem it would have been a 2.

The movie is very linear and predictable. They start by showing that Alex (Jason Patric) is a cop that does stunts to catch the bad guy. Then him and Sandra go on a Cruise. Then a bad guy kills the captain and takes over the ship. Then people die. Then there is an almost end where Alex diverts the ship from a crash. Then the real end where it crashes into a plywood waterfront.  Then the bad guy escapes but Alex does stunts to catch him.

Why does the bad guy want to do all of this? There was jewelery in the ships vault but then why is there a vault in the ship? Its a stupid cruise ship not some intercontinental resort. The bad guy probably paid more for his bombs than what he recovered from the vault. How does he know the worth of the vault? Maybe its shitty quality jewelery. Why does he need to kill everyone to get the jewelery? Can’t he take it and run away? He already proved that he is a computer hacker so he could just erase his records. The effort and intensity of the crime is not matched by the reward.

The is a shit subplot so show that Alex isn’t just a piece of wood. He can be one of the cool kids. He’s whacky. He’s hip. He wears sneakers to a formal event to show some deaf kid that he’s cool. Why? Why is this kid so important? Why does he need to show he’s cool with kids? Later in the movie the kids is lost and he goes to search for her and save her. He does those stunts again. Its a 20 minute addition to the run time having this subplot and it does nothing to improve the film. In fact, it makes the film worse. We kept asking ourselves “How would a deaf person do some or other activity?”.

Sandra bullock does nothing in the movie. Events happen around her for some reason. She doesn’t reason out a solution or negotiate with the bad guy or other victims like in Speed 1. All she does is scream “Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex!” every five fucking seconds.

The ending has the fake cruise ship crash into a fake waterfront. As expected, all of the town’s people do normal things, see the ship, make big-eyes and then run away. In the movie the width of the ship is about 50 meters. I can imagine about 8 or 9 cars fitting bumper to bumper. But he pier is about 2 or 3 meters wide. During the crash the ship looks about two or three times the width of the pier. It should have been 20 times the width. Then the ship moves at a constant velocity into the waterfront. It should have been slowing down. I looked at some ship crashes on the internet and the ship goes maybe one or two meters into the waterfront. Not 20 meters in. I guess they weren’t able to afford any engineers in this movie. Oh wait, the budget was $160m. And you couldn’t get a scientist-man for an hour to tell you how the crash should occur? Good use of $20m for the crash scene.

No one should have made this movie. No one should watch this movie. Who am I kidding? Its hilariously stupid. Watch it.