Dragon Ball Evolution

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I’d rather watch 10 hours of animated Goku screaming while powering up.

The great failure of 2009 was this movie. It made $9m from a budget of $30m. It’s about a bad guy named Piccolo that wants to collect six dragon balls so he can use the one wish to take over the world. Goku is the good guy and he already has one Dragon Ball and needs to collect them all before Piccolo. Goku teams up with some girls and his grandfather to find them. Goku is a teenager and will need to do a lot of growing up to train and figure out his power to beat Piccolo in the final battle.

The guy that wrote the Dragonball manga hated this movie. So did the guy that played Piccolo. The screenplay guy got death threats. This is all due to the fact that the movie heavily adapts the cartoon to make it into a movie for America. Fuck yeah. The actress that plays Bulma was dubbed by some random girl. Same with Yamcha.

It starts with a green screen training fight between Goku and his grandfather. Most of the movie will be done with a green screen. Then we get to see him almost-fighting school bullies and almost-befriending a crush. The acting is awkward and terrible in everything.

Piccolo acts like a regular bad guy with a single motivation. But in the cartoon he starts off as Goku’s friend and is a complicated character. So in the movie, Piccolo, crushes Goku’s house and the grandfather inside dies. More bad reaction acting by Goku. Goku finds Master Roshi, played by Chow Yun Fat, that good main actor from Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. They do a training fight but it looks like a regular training practice played back at double the speed. He tries to teach Goku about fire bending. This is not something from the cartoons. I think the director tried to beat M Night Shyamalan to the punch because M Night was going to release The Last Airbender in 2010.

Ok. Fuck it. I’m done. There’s a million more things wrong with this movie. But I don’t care. And neither should you.

Resident Evil: The Final Chapter

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So you’ve got a franchise that started out great and got shitty as the sequels rolled in, so what do you do to send it off? Yes, make another shitty sequel.

Ok. This one isn’t as bad as the 2012 one where they’re on a ship and all the bad guys and their dogs make their mouths open to release a CGI venus fly trap.

After five movies, most of the world is dead. I don’t know why the Umbrella corp is still bent on making a virus and worried about making money. Money doesn’t even matter at that point. I don’t remember anything about this movie but IMDB tells me that Alice (Mila Jovovich) goes back to Racoon City where the Corp is planning a final assault on people. Why? Now that 99.9% of humans are dead, does anything matter? Thankfully, sanity prevails and this movie failed. It costs $40m and made $26m.

Anyways, it was shot in South Africa but there are only two shots that are recognizable. The opening with Table Mountain and a scene that looks like, Ponte Tower, a distinct apartment block in Johannesburg.

The only thing I remember about this film is that there was a lot of shakey camera work. There might have been good fight scenes, which was 90% of this movie, but we didn’t see any of it. Shake shake shake. It didn’t stop.

Don’t waste your time with this shit.

Kill Squad

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This movie is fucking awesome baby!

There is this guy that owns ‘business’ and he is being shaken down so he is shot and his wife is raped and killed. So he goes to some guy for help. The guy calls his Vietnam buddies to help fuck up the bad guys. There are six vet buddies and they start to rally together by collecting each other one by one. As they find their friend, the friend is busy with a small battle with pimps or crooks or some or other hoodlum. Its hilarious.

This movie was 90 minutes and is mathematically perfect. The first 30 minutes sets up the plot of the businessman, the bad guys and the guy that will organise the squad. The best line is used to get the guys to join: “Joseph needs you”. The next 30 minutes is about the squad coming together and doing random fights while they’re doing the collecting. Then the last 30 minutes is about them chasing the bad guy and the henchman and dying off. They die in the order they were collected.

Cameron Mitchell is in this movie and is the main bad guy. He’s somewhat sober and hasn’t turned into the drunk as he is 7 years later in Terror in Beverly Hills.

So why was this movie made? The writer and director is Patrick Donahue and this seems to be his first time at acting, writing and directing. He loves Bruce Lee kung fu movies apparently.

Do yourself a favour and watch this movie. It’s awesome!

Sleepwalkers

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If you stick a skewer into a cop, make sure you yell “Cop Kabab!”

1992’s Sleepwalkers had all the right ingredients. A novel and cameo by Stephen King, the hot waitress from Twin Peaks, an intro cameo by Mark Hamil, A cameo by John Landis and a young Ron Pearlman as a cop. It made $30m from a $15m budget. But it was a shitty movie. I think it’s the Director’s fault. All he’s done till that time was ‘behind the scenes’ videos and then would go on to make shitty TV movies.

Its about this couple that may or may not be a mom and her son that tend to engage in the incest. They are werewolves and live for forever and they are new to this town because they’re on the run from the last town where they killed someone for their life force. So the son goes to school, meets a new girl and wants to bring her home so his mother can kill her. During that time, a teacher says he can’t find a record of the son at a previous school he stated. Instead of telling him some bullshit reason that its some error on the records, he kills the teacher. The son drives off fast and now cop is after him. The cop has a cat that makes a hissing sound at the werewolf son. The werewolf kills the cop with the old ‘cop kebab’ move. Later on we see that the cats surround the werewolf house. Its supposed to imply that the cats are guarding the bad house. But the mom and son can walk in and out like there aren’t any cats. So why are there scenes with cats that don’t do anything? I don’t know. Maybe they had a discount on cats. At the end, there are a lot of cops after the son and they find his home. The mom can use some of her life force to make him invisible. There is a struggle with cops and the mom tries to run away. A cat is near and she bursts into flames.

Does any of this make sense? Yeah, we didn’t think so either.

Most of this movie is pointless dialogue and chase scenes that do nothing to movie the movie forward. I’m sure all the people involved enjoyed their new cars and houses.

This movie doesn’t have anything going for it except that a guy that wrote some really good books also wrote this book.

Don’t waste your time with this shit.

Cherry 2000

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It’s 1987 and Melanie Griffith hasn’t been in a big movie in a long time.

Cherry 2000 is set in 2017 and some guy is married to some android woman. She takes a bath and short circuits and breaks. So now he needs to find a replacement robot. So he travels to some bad neighborhood and get the help of Melanie to find this robot. There are some bad guys there and they chase after him. They find the robot, he needs to escape the bad guys with her with an airplane that he finds lying around. He then decides that he now like likes Melanie and goes back to get her and leaves his robot.

This is movie is dumb and Melanie is annoying. The director has done a few episodes of random TV series’. The writer is also not well known for good work. The biggest thing he did was the 1993 The Mummy. A masterpiece. The best part was that there was a hotel in the bad neighborhood called ‘The Gloryhole Hotel’.

So bad actors, bad story, bad screenplay, bad dialogue, bad effects and a bad Lawrence Fishbourne and Robert Z’dar cameo. Why was it made?

Orion waited to make this movie by making Robocop 1 first and then using the money from that to fund this. They even have the same composer and you can hear some almost-Robocop music.

I think it was made because Orion wanted to drill it into people that robots are not our future. They made another one of these types of movies during the same time Making Mr Right in 1987. They stopped because it failed to make any money with a $10m budget.

If you can stand Melanie’s voice, watch this movie.

Jaws 4: The Revenge

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Michael Caine wanted a new house and this movie paid for it.

The shark that Roy Scheider killed in Jaws 1, has some shark that knows it and now this new shark wants revenge. So in 1987, this new shark knows what the wife of Roy looks like and he traveled to her holiday destination in the Caribbean and then torments her and her son. She meets Caine and he flies them around. Being a great pilot, he lets her son or grandson, some child, fly the plane by doing dives. Great work pilot.

The rest of the movie is flashbacks scene that the wife has of Jaws 1. Then bullshit dialogue of them remembering those events. The wife also has nightmares and mental breakdowns about the damn shark.

Oh, the shark roars and it sounds like a lion.

This movie is terrible. It costs $23million and made $20million. It also assumes Jaws 3 – 3D doesn’t exist. Why was it even made? Probably a cash grab. Lets get the cast that is desperate for the money and some A-lister and make some shit while we’re on holiday. We’ll use the expenses as a tax write off.

If you value your eyes and your ears, and, maybe your memory, DO NOT WATCH THIS.

Eliminators

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What you’re looking at, is a ‘mandroid’. Isn’t that just the best shitty name ?

Eliminators was a 1986 movie made by Charles Band. He made a ton of B-movies. Up to now, we haven’t watched any of them. But Trancers and Gingerdead Man are on the list of movie to watch.

The starting was just great. There is a WW1 fighter pilot with overlaid explosions and he’s shooting at some army that was dressed in Hercules era soldiers. Probably because he couldn’t find five army uniforms. Then it cuts to the future with some doctor is playing a Frankenstein and makes the dead pilot into a robot. But the robot has tracks for legs and holsters for his rocket launchers. This movie came out a year before Robocop 1. His holsters also store legs. Then they want to shut him down so he escapes the compound to find scientist lady and her R2 unit and they help him get away. I think they called the R2 unit ‘Owl-2′. Just like Robocop, he meets his wife and child and doesn’t recognise her. But wasn’t he from 50 years back? What the fuck? Then, out of nowhere, the initial Frankenstein guy’s son is a ninja and thinks the mandroid killed his father and now he’s out for revenge.

After a many, many chase scenes that go from boats to the bush with off-road tuktuks. Mandroid uses his tracks and laserblaster to shoot at people that chase him. The last fight looks like its set in some cave that looks like Hercules-era rooms. Then the scientist lady sends him back in time, for some reason, to 14 BC. Some random guy says “I wish I learned computer programming’ and punched the keyboard to send him further to some few million BC. He reaches that time and explodes. The scientist and her friends laugh.

This movie is insane. Watch it.

Christian Mingle

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If you’re into some hot Christian manipulation film, you’re in for a treat.

Christian Mingle is a dating website that started in 2001. They do well in getting peoples money and in 2014 they made an app for phone. This movie was released in the same year but I don’t remember them doing heavy-handed marketing for the app. They hired notorious hack Corben Bernsen to direct this movie. He then hired some hacks to do a thing called ‘acting’.

Did they achieve success with this movie? Well, they paid $650 000 to make the movie and it made $19 836 at the theaters. They have a 4.3 on IMDB and 27% of the 305-person audience liked it. So no. They failed. And quite hard. But its a Christian movie so its God’s will if they win & a test if they fail.

The main star is Lacy Chabert. She was the young daughter in Lost in Space. That space movie with Joey from Friends where a robot says “Danger Will Robinson!”. Lacy is single and sees that everyone she knows is married and happy. So she thinks she will become happy if she gets married. She makes a profiles on one website and has two dates. The first guy was interested in someone else at their date place. The second guy was at a quiet coffee shop where there were no opportunity to be distracted because there were no other customers. She goes out of her way to show how ignorant she is about religion. The dude knows this but ignores it because she’s attractive. But no hanky panky until the wedding.

The rest of the movie is about how his family doesn’t like her because she’s not a super-fan of Jesus. She goes with his family to do charity work in Mexico. Then she puts in the effort to learn by getting a ‘jesus for dummies’ book but this gesture is taken completely in the wrong way because they see it as she’s a liar and not just some normal person trying to fit in. Good work Corben. Painting the typical Christian is a self obsessed zealot cunt. Isn’t this the target market your funders paid you to convert into advocates?

So now that she’s an outcast, the dude find the next chick and moves on. The next chick, by the way, holds the record for having the longest neck in the western hemisphere. Probably.

For no reason, she decides to go to back to Mexico to do solo charity work. For some reason the dude is there alone again and they meet and its happily ever after.

What? Why? Are you saying that everything will magically be right if you just become a Super Christian? And that people that are not Christian will never be happy? Nice one Corben. You can fuck right off!

Should you watch this movie? NO! Its really boring, the plot takes up maybe 10 of the 90 minutes. The rest is bullshit conversations and montages.

Things

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Its 1989 and you have a deadline to hand in your film school project.

This movie is about some guy that wants to get his wife pregnant but can’t so he gets a doctor to impregnate her. Some how it works and there is a baby and the baby kills him. Aaaaaand he wakes up because it was all a dream. Oh, its a film school project.

This was a soft start to the movie because the introduction credits only start now. There is a credit to Stryk 9. I have no idea what that is. The two guys, Andrew Jordan and Barry Gillis do everything. Act, write, direct, make the special effects, edit, made the beer (probably), all of it.

I hope they passed because they’re all about ideas. No talent. But ideas can be used to fake the existence of talent. This movie was done in 1989 and their inspiration was the Exorcist, Dawn of the Dead movies and maybe Alien too.

There are hard cuts from scene to scene and they don’t have a logical flow. Its like a there was three movies and these guys cut the tape, shuffled the pieces and stuck them together.

So mustache guy gets to his brother’s house and wants to have a beer. Instead he has the beer with an old friend because the brother isn’t there. The brother is a ghost and the brother’s wife, we’re told, is sleeping. Why? Who is she? Why do we care? These are great questions.

Hard cut and we have a blonde news reporter reading some card that waaay to far to the right of the camera. She pauses, looks at the card, reads off the words, takes an awkward breathe, and then looks at the camera again. Give her an Oscar already. In the news report, they mention that they hate Tracy Lords. They obviously are big pornography fans.

There are some keys off a Casio keyboard that is repeated throughout the movie.

Out of the blue, there are creatures in a the loo and a giant ant that the main guy will chainsaw dead. No one seems to panic when this stuff is going on and then there is the plot about the baby and how it now needs to be hidden.

I lost my mind with this movie. It’s a fever dream with weird shit going on that has no reason as to why it needs to happen.

It ends early because there are 20 minutes worth of unfunny bloopers after the credits. But the important point here, at the end, is that they are all alive and well. They walk out the house and to their car and you hear a voice over saying “are you sure it wasn’t all a dream?”. Fuck you movie.

Don’t watch it. It’s terrible, boring, makes no sense, has bad sound recordings, has bad camera work. And worst of all, it was all a dream.

American Ninja 3

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This movie is confused. The premise is ‘Jackson is back with a new partner’. So you think that Jackson is the main guy right? Nope. He’s the partner of the main guy. The only reason they say this is that the main guy wasn’t acting in this. The new partner also gets to be on the poster of the movie. So why do you talk about Jackson but show me Sean? Fuck you Cannon. Fuck you Golan. Fuck you Globus. You stupid motherfuckers!

I’ll still watch it. Because I know it would be bad.

So Dudikoff gave this one a skip. Why? Its 1988 and he was filming another movie. Platoon Leader and he was the lead. So you think he’s cutting his losses and moving to something better? Think again asshole. Platoon Leader is also a Cannon movie. Just like American Ninja. And its just as bad. So why would Cannon disrupt their franchise? Its silly to have Dudikoff in 1, 2 and 4 but a disposable in 3. It’s probably because Chuck Norris’ brother was the director of Platoon Leader. Aaron Norris wants to make a movie? Sure give him anything he wants. He’s Chucks brother and thats enough to guarantee success. 1988 is also the start of the end of Cannon. Next year they would own distribution but production was some other company and in early 90’s they would close down. Oh, this was shot in sunny South Africa. Because tax incentives.

According to IMDB trivia. Dudikoff didn’t want to go back to South Africa because he was against apartheid. But then he comes back in 1990, during apartheid, to film American Ninja 4. So his reason was forgotten. Oh, and Platoon leader was shot in South Africa too. What the fuck Dudikoff? Do you not know how excuses work?

Now you why it was made, lets figure out what was made. The plot is about some random martial arts champion named Sean that is infected with some virus by a terrorist named Cobra. They don’t tell why any of this is happening. Why would a terrorist care about a karate guy? Anyway, Sean’s father gets killed when Sean was young. Thats the reason he trains like a motherfucker to get real good. There is also a science guy that can science terrorism away with chemicals and lab glassware.

The thinnest plot now starts. Sean is at a karate tournament and witnesses a kidnapping and thats the reason he dedicates his life to solving and saving. Now some ninjas see him and they follow him too. No one knows why any of this happening. There are long chase scenes and at one point Sean and the ninjas end up in water and he does an absolutely magnificent punch under water. Then while more fighting takes place, Jackson, for some reason, has a wardrobe change. For no reason the chase scene has Sean in a glider to find the ninjas and that glider fails. For no reason, Jackson has a truck on the road in the path of the failing glider to pick him up.

At this point I stopped caring about a plot or logic or physics. I just watched some shit moving on a screen and repetitive music in the background. RIP brain cells. You probably were good at some point.

Should you watch this? Only if you hate yourself.