Dragon Ball Evolution

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I’d rather watch 10 hours of animated Goku screaming while powering up.

The great failure of 2009 was this movie. It made $9m from a budget of $30m. It’s about a bad guy named Piccolo that wants to collect six dragon balls so he can use the one wish to take over the world. Goku is the good guy and he already has one Dragon Ball and needs to collect them all before Piccolo. Goku teams up with some girls and his grandfather to find them. Goku is a teenager and will need to do a lot of growing up to train and figure out his power to beat Piccolo in the final battle.

The guy that wrote the Dragonball manga hated this movie. So did the guy that played Piccolo. The screenplay guy got death threats. This is all due to the fact that the movie heavily adapts the cartoon to make it into a movie for America. Fuck yeah. The actress that plays Bulma was dubbed by some random girl. Same with Yamcha.

It starts with a green screen training fight between Goku and his grandfather. Most of the movie will be done with a green screen. Then we get to see him almost-fighting school bullies and almost-befriending a crush. The acting is awkward and terrible in everything.

Piccolo acts like a regular bad guy with a single motivation. But in the cartoon he starts off as Goku’s friend and is a complicated character. So in the movie, Piccolo, crushes Goku’s house and the grandfather inside dies. More bad reaction acting by Goku. Goku finds Master Roshi, played by Chow Yun Fat, that good main actor from Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. They do a training fight but it looks like a regular training practice played back at double the speed. He tries to teach Goku about fire bending. This is not something from the cartoons. I think the director tried to beat M Night Shyamalan to the punch because M Night was going to release The Last Airbender in 2010.

Ok. Fuck it. I’m done. There’s a million more things wrong with this movie. But I don’t care. And neither should you.