Things

things

Its 1989 and you have a deadline to hand in your film school project.

This movie is about some guy that wants to get his wife pregnant but can’t so he gets a doctor to impregnate her. Some how it works and there is a baby and the baby kills him. Aaaaaand he wakes up because it was all a dream. Oh, its a film school project.

This was a soft start to the movie because the introduction credits only start now. There is a credit to Stryk 9. I have no idea what that is. The two guys, Andrew Jordan and Barry Gillis do everything. Act, write, direct, make the special effects, edit, made the beer (probably), all of it.

I hope they passed because they’re all about ideas. No talent. But ideas can be used to fake the existence of talent. This movie was done in 1989 and their inspiration was the Exorcist, Dawn of the Dead movies and maybe Alien too.

There are hard cuts from scene to scene and they don’t have a logical flow. Its like a there was three movies and these guys cut the tape, shuffled the pieces and stuck them together.

So mustache guy gets to his brother’s house and wants to have a beer. Instead he has the beer with an old friend because the brother isn’t there. The brother is a ghost and the brother’s wife, we’re told, is sleeping. Why? Who is she? Why do we care? These are great questions.

Hard cut and we have a blonde news reporter reading some card that waaay to far to the right of the camera. She pauses, looks at the card, reads off the words, takes an awkward breathe, and then looks at the camera again. Give her an Oscar already. In the news report, they mention that they hate Tracy Lords. They obviously are big pornography fans.

There are some keys off a Casio keyboard that is repeated throughout the movie.

Out of the blue, there are creatures in a the loo and a giant ant that the main guy will chainsaw dead. No one seems to panic when this stuff is going on and then there is the plot about the baby and how it now needs to be hidden.

I lost my mind with this movie. It’s a fever dream with weird shit going on that has no reason as to why it needs to happen.

It ends early because there are 20 minutes worth of unfunny bloopers after the credits. But the important point here, at the end, is that they are all alive and well. They walk out the house and to their car and you hear a voice over saying “are you sure it wasn’t all a dream?”. Fuck you movie.

Don’t watch it. It’s terrible, boring, makes no sense, has bad sound recordings, has bad camera work. And worst of all, it was all a dream.