House of the Dead

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Oh Uwe. How do you manage to get people to give you money?

So this turd from 2003 is about a some stupid teenagers that look 30 that go to some random island to have a rave but it turns out that there is no rave and there are zombies instead. Then they find weapons, for no reason. Then they go killing the zombies while most of their friends die in the process. Would you predict that the lead survives?

I don’t know how Uwe Boll does it. He gets funding for these movies and none of them are any good. He also seems to target video games to be adapted for film. This may be his first one. Alone in the dark and BloodRayne was in 2005. Dungeon Seige was 2007 and Far Cry was 2008. This time Sega was the sucker. You see them in the opening credits and, for no reason, there was a massive banner in the middle of the jungle rave.

I haven’t played the games but Wikipedia says some shit about a lab and a biochemist and doctor. This has absolutely no relation to anything in the movie. In the movie, there is a rave, kids get there, its dark and no one is around, then zombies fight for and hour.

Uwe doesn’t like details like surnames, each character has one name and one trait. Rudy, Simon, Alicia, Casper, Greg etc. Cartoon characters have more depth. If he cared less, he would have Miami Connection names like John, Jim, Jeff, Jane, Tom and Mark.

There are random flashes of the game in the movie. No reason given and it doesn’t add to the story. It’s also so short that you hardly see what the game is about. But I doubt they wanted to make a movie to sell a game. But you never know how Uwe sells his ideas. It wasn’t a total failure too. It costs about $12m and grossed $14m. I still don’t know if he approached Sega or if they approached him?

Jurgen Prochnow is a recurring star in Uwe’s movies. I’m sure they’re both in on the scam too. At least Jurgen as Das Boot to his credit to make the proposal to the funders seem more legitimate.

So, should you watch it? Yes! Eyecandy, violence and the most stupid plot, acting and dialogue you will see in a long time.

America 3000

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This movie is woggos. That’s old-speak for crazy. Also, that in the title slides of this shit movie.

Its a 1986 movie. Its a Cannon movie too so you know its quality. The plot is about a world that is 900 years after a nuclear apocalypse. Women rule the world and men are either living dildos, called seeders, or live alone in the wild. There is this one guy that, for no reason, is smarter than everyone else and gets a tribe to learn to fight. Its a weird mix of trying to be like Zardoz with the gender stuff and Battlefield Earth with cavemen quickly learning about technology to fight. Other than this, there isn’t much of a plot. Its a desert, some idiots walk from scene to scene talking about stuff that doesn’t affect the outcome of the plot.

Everyone has silly names because that how the future will be. Lynka, Korvis, Vena, Gruss, Morha, Lakella, Reya, Lelz, etc you get the picture. The cast also gave it their all. Probably because Golan and Globus promised to make them the next Dudikov.

With so little going for it, I wonder how they manage to get it to 90 minutes long. Even the props tried hard. Cardboard wrapped in foil. Good times.

If you like bad movie, you would probably watch this. And you wouldn’t like it too.

 

Ishtar

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What do you do what you have a lot of money and haven’t ever failed? Yes, you fail.

This movie gets a lot of hate. It’s 1987 and made about $14m from a $55m budget mainly because it wasn’t funny. Its about two shitty singers that somehow get dragged into being part of some middle spy story. The plot is irrelevant. Nothing happens in the movie anyways. The fun stuff is all the crap that surrounds this movie.

Sony probably went to Dustin and said “Hey buddy, you wanna make some money? Lets make Tootsie, but in a desert. We’ll throw in that guy that wins all those awards for movies that don’t go anywhere. Whats his name? Beatty.”

But I think I’ve cracked. See, back then, there was this 55 year old woman. She was a great director, she doctored a ton of scripts that resulted in the movies getting nominated for a ton of awards, she even acted and in great movies. Her name was Elanie May. She was known at the time for The Graduate, Tootsie, Mickey and Nicky and The Heartbrak Kid. All popular movies with good reviews and a lot of money. So she had this idea, of shitty singers in sand. She took it ot Columbia/Sony and they probably saw dollar signs because she’s never put a wrong foot forward. Then she goes on to call Dustin and Warren to call in some favours to act in these movies. She is successful in guilting them into working on it. The movie gets made. Its not great but its good enough. Some studio executive wants to get famous and starts telling people about how bad its doing. That becomes the story and in 1987, people had nothing in their lives so if they hear one idiot shout about a lousy return, thats all that gets recorded. So now this poor lady has a shitty reputation and never directs another movie again. The movie gets called the worst movie ever and its not entirely true.

So poor Ishtar. Its a case of using the best ingredients to cook a meal and that meal is only mediocre. I also think its a bit of a mistaken audience. The makers is really old and if the audience was people around her age, they would probably enjoy it. Its like an old-timey type of comedy. But the movie goers and critics where around the 20s and 30s. That’s half Elaine’s age.

Poor Ishtar. We’ll watch you again in 20 years. And we might enjoy it.