Gymkata

gymkata

What would you do if you had a gymnast for the week? Make a terrible b-movie obviously!

We watched Gymkata last week.

Gymkata is a about a gymnast that looks for his father that has been kidnapped by a gang in Serbia. As soon as he finds his father, the gang kills the father and then gymkata kills everyone in sight. To get to the father, he has to perform some test. Obviously with these movies, if you fail the test, you die.

Apparently, Gymkata guy invented a style of fighting called gymkata that combines gymnastics and karate.

Memorable moments:

  • There is a guy with a face mask on the back of his head and he wears clothes backwards to fool the opposition. He fails.
  • Everyone is wearing some iron-age period clothes except some russian guys wearing what russian guys wear. Track pants and track jacket. He failed.
  • The leader of the gang wore a hospital patient gown with the back cut out so his ass shows. He failed.
  • People make “haai – YA!” noises when they fight.
  • The bad guys are dressed like ISIS.
  • The bad guys place random henchmen around with flags to point victims to no-go areas. probably because its hard to clean dead bodies there. Or maybe they grow potatoes there. Or whatever. (I’m trying hard not to say “for some reason”)
  • There is a salt mine. In a warehouse.
  • There is a sexy girl. She was a playboy model once. You can even find nudes online.
  • The Serbian town that housed the gang looked like a mental asylum. Everyone looked like they had 10% more chromosomes.
  • The rules of the challenge was something out of a Drew Carey show “hey welcome to gymkata, where everyone is a bad guy and the rules dont matter”

This is a Class-A b-movie. Its a movie that plays it straight and takes itself very seriously and fails spectacularly. Watch it.

Do or die

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We’re still making our way through the andy sidaris 14 movie collection. Guns girls and gstrings. Andy is such a bro.

Again, we have the sexy dona spier and few repeat actors. Same stock andy footage of the planes, jeeps, warehouse, restaurant.

The plot is this: mr miyagi meets these two girls and could them right there with his henchmen, but he lets them go and tells them that he is sending 6 teams of two people to kill them. They all fail. Mainly because poncho from chips99 is here to save the girls.

Oh and mr miyagi loves have his tranny slave give him massages all the time.

The only memorable moment is when the tranny is massaging miyagi, she says “you know the human body has 200 bones. Lets make it 201.” Then he says “lets change that”.

What the fuck?

Im pretty sure we’re past half way with the collection.

Megaforce

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Boring.

Thats the only word to describe this celebration of campy homosexuality.

So… we kick off 2016 with barry bostwick, the mayor in spin city, who is the leader of team megaforce. A super secret army in a desert that fights not so very bad villains. We thought that the only reason yhis movie was made was to sell toys. Their cars/trucks/bikes had a white/ orange /black design which means that they actually had a budget for this movie.  Too bad that they didnt spend it on scriptwriters. After 20 minutes, it felt like an hour past by. There were many moments where we felt like turning it off.

Memorable moments:

  • Everyone had a spandex jumpsuit that was waaay too tight
  • Sexy persis khabatta was sexy but didnt show off her tits (we watch too many bad movies, and we expect this because we’re idiots)
  • To shoot helicopters,  the bike has to do a wheelie and then fire a rocket from the front where the bike light is located.
  • To avoid something (dont remember and dont care) they had to abandon all of their bikes,  about 30, and put them into self destruct mode. This is the most expensive army ever. 800 dollar toilet anyone?
  • They have a mobile fuel station bivouac for a single mission.
  • We couldnt tell if the bad guy is a friend or an enemy of bostwick’s character
  • Every soldier has their flag sewed into their spandex. We dont know if this was to unite the army or do the opposite.

This movie sucked. Watch it and hate it too.

 

End of 2015 summary

We started watching bad movies some time on March or April 2015. It started with Birdemic and what a start. We didnt think we could get any worse. Oh how wrong we were.

49 Movies later. Our picks for top 5:

  1. Double down
  2. Birdemic
  3. Miami connection
  4. The room
  5. Troll2

Honestly its actually Double Down by far as #1 and then then next four can share second place as they’re equally awesome.

So, Neil Breen, you’re awesome.

Double-Down-Breen

The only way to blast through these movies was to watch two in one night. Its not too difficult as they are usually exactly 90 minutes. Start at 8pm, end at 11pm.

We’ve added so much more to the list of movies to watch. So 2016 is going to be packed.

Here’s what we’ve watched in 2015.

  1. Birdemic
  2. Starcrash
  3. The room
  4. Battlefield Earth
  5. Escape from New York (Too good of a movie)
  6. Kung Fury (Self aware)
  7. Howard the Duck (30 min, boring)
  8. Poultrygeist (Self aware)
  9. The black gestapo (30 min, boring)
  10. The black hole
  11. Wing commander (30 min, boring)
  12. Raiders of the lost shark (Self aware)
  13. Batman (the Adam West one)
  14. Mega shark vs giant octopus (Self aware)
  15. Robot Jox
  16. Condorman
  17. Deadly Prey
  18. Miami Connection
  19. Hard ticket to hawaii
  20. Zardoz
  21. Hands of steel
  22. Sinbad of the seven seas
  23. ROTOR
  24. Picasso trigger
  25. Terror in beverly hills
  26. Samurai cop
  27. Troll2
  28. Malibu express
  29. Low blow
  30. Guns (30 min, it was getting late)
  31. Back to the future (it was 15 Oct 2015, its not a bad movie by any means)
  32. Halloween (It was halloween, didnt have a b-movie feel)
  33. Friday the 13th (It was halloween, had a bit of a b-movie feel)
  34. Waxworks
  35. Frankenhooker
  36. Mystics in bali
  37. Space Mutiny
  38. Robowar
  39. Shakma
  40. Total Force
  41. Aerobicide
  42. Hollywood cop
  43. Exterminator 2
  44. Future war
  45. Double Down
  46. I am here….now
  47. Yor, the hunter from the future
  48. Savage beach
  49. Return to savage beach

Just a handful were added because we thought they might be bad due to their cheesy goodness. But they’ve aged quite well.

A few weeks into the mission and we realised that we needed a cut off time to decide if the movie was worth continuing. This was 30 minutes. Plenty of time to decide. We have killed two or three more within 10 minutes and they have been left off the list. The Tomb was one of them.

The greatest sin is to be boring.

Return to Savage Beach

return to savage beach

L.E.T.H.A.L. Ladies: Return to savage beach

Its 1998. 9 years after Savage Beach took place. The guns are bigger. The boobs are bigger. The plot is thinner.

The plot goes something like this: These girl get a computer disk to find a treasure. They find it. I do apologize for not having a memory. I was distracted.

Oh, he Japanese army guy makes an appearance by way of stock footage. It feels like 30 minutes of this 90 minute movie was re-use of the 1989’s footage. It worked. Double the boob count.

At some point, early on, we thought we were watching a softcore porn. We think Andy really didn’t have a target market of horny men, he was just making movies for himself.

Savage Beach

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Ah. Andy Sidaris. The master of giving the people what they want. And by ‘people’, I mean horny men.

Andy has footage of that he uses in most of his movies. This is not bad, they all seem to work. The plane over the trees, the plane in the hangar, the warehouse, the sexy girls in their sexy uniforms, the red jeep, the Hawaii restaurant.

So, in 1989, these girls are some drug enforcement cops and they look for a guy, find him and then stop him. Now, they are helping a military guy find some gold stolen by some Japanese.

Memorable moments:

  • The Japanese actor stole the show. Best acting in an Andy movie ever. He even used that scene in the sequel
  • Exposition took place in a jacuzzi while these girls wash their dirty breasts
  • The awesome Japanese actor was still alive and chopped the bad guys. I cant remember the plot point exactly because he looked like he could be Y K Kim in zombie mode still searching going around the planet murdering everyone in his quest to achieve world peace.
  • There is a bad guy from the Philippines that looks very South American and is named Martinez. I wonder why.

You cant help but love an Andy Sidaris movie. Girls, Guns and G-strings.

 

Yor, The hunter from the future

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This is a 1983 movie and i cant compare it to anything.

Yor is a hunter guy. I cant remember if he was from the future because there is nothing that established this fact. Then he walks around a rocky desert place and finds people that want to kill him and then he kills them.

The whole movie was like this… Yor goes to a place, meets people that want to kill him, he kills everyone except one girl. The girl belongs to him now, they walk off, they end up in a place where he meets people that want to kill him. The people were, in order, neanderthals, cavemen, a girl with the same jewelry robots, future science people.

Who care about any of this shit. What we did find interesting was that Yor is the same lead actor from Space Mutiny. And the future place that the last fight takes place looked like the same refinery like the one in Space Mutiny. I’m sure its just coincidence because Space Mutiny was in 1988 and Yor is 1983.

The credits had a lot of Italian and Turkish names.

Yor is low to mildly entertaining. I’m not sure why there is so much hype around it by many other B movie fans. At some points we even thought it would be a good movie. You know, like Robot Jox.

 

I am here …. Now

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Four dots are not a mistake.

After watching Double Down, we had to watch more Neil Breen. He is so cool. This movie was waaay less entertaining. It was a 5 minute story stretched to 90 minutes. I think it was about a girl that needed money and became a prostitute and Neil made her change her ways. I honestly lost interest after 15 minutes because it was so damn boring.

Here are some moments that we remember:

  • One of the broken computers in Double Down was torn down and parts taped to his body. I think it was a RAM chip on each wrist and a motherboard on his chest.
  • Neil Breen is god and is disappointed in our species. (He pronounces it as speeshees)
  • The girl says: “I can wait to have sex with two guys at the same time”. Who says that?
  • The guy says: “Hell Yeah! Daaamn! I’ll do her! Twins!”. Who says that? Also, the girls looked nothing like each other
  • There were bad guys that exposed their evil plans to anyone at all times. Some shit about “politicians and corporations”

Dont waste your time with this movie.

Double Down

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I’ve mentioned Red Letter Media here a few time & they did not disappoint in picking this movie.  We watched it too. Its beyond any movie we’ve seen ever.

We could not breathe. It was non stop since the first minute.

It felt like a directors commentary, but that was the actual movie. Neil Breen narrating everything.

Here’s the plot. Neil Breen is a super smart guy and someone killed his wife, so now he works for terrorists to shut down a street for a few days for some reason. I cant say more than this. Because we were laughing so hard. So just go watch it. Find Neil, buy his dvd, pay whatever he wants to charge for it. Its worth it.

Some (a lot of) memorable moments:

  • He only eats tuna out of the can
  • He is a fighter pilot and a programmer and a spy and a bioweapons expert and a hacker and thief and a satellite controller
  • He has all the medals of doing things. He pinned it to a shitty denim cut off jacket and wears it randomly with no underwear.
  • All guns are clearly toys
  • He goes to kill a couple but kill the wrong one and then he went to find the right one and they did a suicide so he called it a day
  • He tests his anthrax by wiping it on a guy’s arm in broad daylight
  • He tests his anthrax by pouring it in a lake. If he was successful, he would pour it in the same lake
  • We see his balls
  • He has four broken computers and he keeps typing things on all of them all the time
  • He has three broken cell phones
  • He has two satellite dishes on the back of his car. He keeps a spanner to tighten something. But there is clearly no nut in that location that he is tightening
  • 99% of this movie is narration of Neil talking about how cool/clever/badass/smart/brave/powerful he is

We have not been this entertained. EVER.

We we’re using quotes in regular conversation. We are Breen Damaged.

Future war

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Let me try to give you the plot. There are robots in the future, they go to the past to pick up some dinosaurs. They then move to the current date, which is still the past for them. They then hunt people for some reason using these dinosaurs. Some chick saw this and now they are after her. She finds a brain damaged guy and teach him english despite him admitting that he is a tool. Ah fuck it, let me tell you whats awesome.

All of the action takes place in a factory that makes empty boxes. So almost all shots are there. They throw the boxes like it weighs nothing, but then the impact when it hits something makes it look like it was heavy. Its hilarious.

Then the dinosaurs explode when they die. For some reason. Oh wait. These dinosaurs are the gems of the movie. Some of them are the size of a dog, some are huge and some are tiny. The only reason we could come up with is that they are all the same tiny dinosaurs, and the surroundings are badly scaled. Like when they used a toy doll house to make it look like the dinosaur was bigger than a human. The best part is the stalking and kill scenes. The tiny dinosaur is taped to the top of the camera. The closeness will make you think that they are big. You dont fool me! I’m not stupid. (Yeah, i’m saying this after watching a ton of bad movies.)

Robert Z’dar appear every now and again to kill then die then kill again then die again. We didnt care at this point, the cardboard boxes and tiny toy dinosaurs had us laughing uncontrollably. Whenever poor Robert moved, he made a noise of an electric screwdriver. Regardless of the action he took, the same sound clip was used.

Think Terminator + Jurassic Park + BloodSport.

Go watch it. Its awesome.