Star Wars Holiday Special

yt9

Its 1978 and George Lucas needs to buy many drugs. So he approved this turd.

Its 90 minutes of hot steaming mess. Apparently it supposed to be 120 minutes and we didnt see a section. We dont care, 90 was enough.

So Chewy and Solo are on their way home for a holiday called life day. Nothing made us want them all to die as much as this movie. The people waiting for Chewbacca are his wife, son and father. Their names respectively are Maude, Lumpy and Itchy. We sat through many minutes of groaning as their dialogue and then we sit through Lumpy play with his toys which are all hologram circus acts.

There was a scene that introduces Boba Fett. We dont know why people thought that he was a good guy to work on. He was just as shit as everyone else.

We hope all people involved gets cancer and dies a horrible death for making this pile of shit. Fuck you George Lucas.

Knights

qBiRjIGeDXqZzW6KDRBI2thbqqt

Its 1993 and Kris Kristofferson and Lance Henrikson need to buy some cars and some coke. So they agreed to this movie. Which was a bit shit. But it very close o making a b-movie’s cardinal sin, being boring.

There’s these cyborg and they hire people to catch more people to become cyborgs. Pretty much earth in the year 2050.

The lead actress, Bland, sucked as an artist. Her performance was bland and forgettable. I’m writing that down because i forgot what she did.

Don’t watch this. You will sleep.

Kill and kill again

KillAndKill02

Its one year old by the time i was born. This 1981 movie was ok. Not super shit. It has some good action and the story was coherent. The acting wasnt great but we were quite pleased with it.

So why did we give this movie a pass? Its South African. The place of our birth. The lead actress was Anneline Kriel. Miss World in 1974. The lead actor James Ryan was a martial arts expert and also later acted in Space Mutiny. That movie where Cameron Mitchell wears a two dollar santa stick on beard. Which i’m sure was stolen from this set.

So the story. There is a crazy bad guy that is brainwashing people of a town and these guys stop him. That it. Simple and well executed.

Why was the movie made? A bunch of martial arts experts in SA that want to show off their skills.

Watch it. Because motherland. Not a b-movie.

Hard Hunted

raven5

Another Andy Sidaris movie.

I think he’s running out of ideas but the cash is still rolling in. He has 8 airplanes in this movie.

The bad guy is an asian guy who is pissed off because he got a bad haircut. He does look a lot like Mr Miyagi. Then the main star is Dona Spier, who looks like she need a holiday from all the Sidaris movies.

The good guys need to find a trigger for a laser that is hidden in a green soap bar. The good guys are helped by some radio station dj that talks with very slight cryptic phrases to the good guys that are always on this station. They dont even play music or talk all the time. So if you can hear something, its probably a message to the spy.

Boobs, boobs, boobs, boobs, boobs, boobs, boobs, boobs, boobs, boobs, planes, planes, planes, planes, planes, planes, planes, planes, gunshots, gunshots, gunshots, gunshots, gunshots, gunshots, end.

Dont wasted your time with this, unless you’re like us and need to watch all the Sidaris movies.

 

Russian Terminator

maxresdefault

Most amazing film.

In 1989, some russians found a book on how to make an action thriller movie. They didnt speak any english, so they just directly translated everything and made it. Unfortunately for them, but fortunately for us, they didnt know that it was a template book, and that you had to specify what the macguffin was and why the bad guys were bad and what would happen if they didnt stop the bad guys. So the dialogue was pretty much “we need to stop the bad man before he does a bad thing” and “We need to give him the paper with the information”.

Then the main guy with a massive platinum afro was called Mr. Robinson. Nothing is as russian as the surname of Robinson.

Oh and after the translation was done, it was written in phonetics in russian so now we have dialogue where the actor has no idea what he is saying and no idea what sound needs to be emphasized. This give us a phrase “Thats what friends. Are for.”

In one scene, they good guys uncover a plot hole. They wondered why the ninja would ask them to do something and then just do it himself anyways. Genius.

More memorable moments:

  • Mr Robinson is an old guy that wears a robotech jersey.
  • One guy says to an enemy guy “you’ve got a problem. you’re gonna die.” Then shoots.
  • There’s a point blank shotgun shot
  • A castle on the outside, but a dumpy apartment on the inside.

You have ninja stuff, fight scenes, guns, an unspecified threat, strange actors. So why was this movie made? I dont know. There is no original spin to a generic story. None of the actors are any good. No scene or theme stands out. I think it was made to bring shame to countrymen that made it.

Watch this gem. Totally worth your 90 minutes.

Sheena: queen of the jungle

sheena-queen-of-the-jungle-19841

We watched this a long time ago & i’m only posting this here to say that this movie is not shit.

A bit boring. But a good enough movie. Pretty actress, decent plot (girl grown up by african tribe because parents killed)

We made it about 20 minutes and then called it ‘too good for us’

Oh, that actress is Tanya Roberts, after this movie (1984), she was pulled into playing the bond girl in View to a Kill, that Dalton one with May Day and Walken.

Xtro

xtro

Its 1982 and you’re good at making rubber masks….

There is some retarded alien that comes to earth, infects one person at a time and then when the infection matures, the alien goes back to its planet. So the chain can break if there is something wrong with one link in the chain. Pretty dumb aliens. You can master space flight but can do invasions properly. Idiots.

So the alien converts a few people here and those people die and an alien emerges from their body to infect a new human. All one at a time.

There was a clever part where the alien is able to keep the memories of the person it infected/killed/ate/whatever.

Maryam d’abo (that cellist from the dalton james bond) has a nude scene. So there’s that.

There was an awesome gore scene where the woman gives birth to a grown man.

Watch this movie.

Apparently there is an Xtro 2 and 3 and 4. Maybe we’ll watch it one day. We still have many more other shit movies to watch.

Breakin

Shabba-Doo-Breakin

In 1984, you’re racist and you need to make a movie that brings races together. So you make a casually racist movie about break dancing.

Apparently the reason this movie was made was to be the first in making this type of movie by the producers, Cannon films. I think they were competing with Orion films’ Beat Street. We haven’t seen Beat Street, but we will now.

Here’s the story….

There is this girl that it a gymnast/ballerina and she sees these hoodlum break dancers do some break dance demo in the studio. The owner of the studio kick them out because he either doesn’t like their ethnicity or he doesn’t know how to teach break dancing or maybe he doesn’t know if break dancing is high art that will be acceptable in theatres. No he’s racist.

The main actors have credit names like “shabba-doo” and “boogaloo shrimp” and they to the ‘you got served’ type of dancing where it looks like its a competition but also looks like a fight and its also a dance. We didn’t understand any of it because we did know how to tell if anyone was winning. There isnt any scoring system or way to compare technique. You know, like gymnastics, where its all a formula and you see how close you can get to perfect. Break dancing is all random and spinning on the head.

The middle of the movie has the hoodlums reject the gym girl because they ‘dont want hand outs’ just after they tell here that ‘no one helps them’. I don’t know what they wanted out of the girl. But to be honest, I was distracted by the shitty audio.

The last scene forces on you some ‘underdogs win’ feeling where the break dancers break into the ‘big auditions’ and then force the judges to see them dance and then this will convince the judges to say ‘you win the big auditions’. But we’re never told what were the auditions for. If it was for a break dancers show, then these guys would be good. If it was for swan lake, then probably not.

This was classic 80’s movie. ‘the gang’ needs to get ‘the big contract’ by winning the ‘big audition’ and beat the ‘big competition’. Anyone that found this movie good in the 80’s is probably a loser nowadays. Because the movie doesn’t make any sense. There isn’t enough detail to give a sense of legitimacy to why anyone is doing anything. It would only be good if you’re amazed at shiny lights and easily distracted.

Watch it if you hate the 80’s.

Death Wish 3

Charles Bronson is old and needs to make a few bucks to pay for his funeral in 1985.

Paul Kersey (Bronson) is a vigilante and is hired by a lazy cop to go clean up the streets. So Paul leaves valuable things lying around so that someone can steal it and he can kill them for it. Pretty simple.

The first 10 minutes are enough premise to give Paul an excuse to murder pretty much everyone. He gives zero fucks and kills everyone. It is hilarious and it doesnt pause. The last one has a bazooka at point blank range.

Watch it.

 

Death Bed

death-bed-blu-ray-review-header-graphic

It’s 1977 and you have a four-post bed that you have to store for the weekend before it goes to the customer. So how can you make money out of this situation? Make a horror movie obviously.

There is a demon that lives in a painting and he somehow kills anyone that sleeps on the bed. That it.

The producers try to make it more arty and creative by changing the location of the bed, the background story of each victim and the way the bed eats the victim. Its all junk. But its a good junk movie.

Watch it.