American Ninja 4

AMERICAN NINJA 4: THE ANNIHALATION, Jody Abrahams (standing left), seated from left: Michael Dudikoff, Ken Gampu, 1990, © Cannon Films

Ok. I watched this alone and it wasn’t as entertaining as it would be with other brain damaged friends.

Nothing makes any sense in this movie. There is the main guy, Bradley, from American Ninja 3 that almost immediately gets captured by the bad guy and is stuck in prison the whole movie. Then Dudikov, the main guy in American Ninja 1 and 2, only appears about 50 minutes into the movie. Naturally he saves the day on his own. The plot about Bradley is of no consequence. But who cares? Nothing makes sense.

The bad guy is an Arab guy that doesn’t talk or look like an Arab. Obviously he is a terrorist. He owns a crew of ninjas and they do terrorist things in some fictional country that supposed to be based in Africa. He trains his ninjas all the damn time. Part of the training is the event called death where you can easily die when doing a regular chop maneuver. So why would the Arab want his own men to die for no reason? Who knows? Nothing makes any sense. He makes them dress up in different colour ninja uniforms for no reason. They also happen to own a prison and captured 4 people recently. Who knows what they were doing up to now.

For no reason there is a bunch of S&M hoodlums that live in a quarry with shitty cars. Like Mad Max. They get some random kid to find Dudikov and he must lead them to fight the bad guys. There was no explanation of why they have beef with the Arab or the ninjas. No explanation of why Dudikov was their main guy and why Dudi needs to help them. He was (badly) teaching kids English in some nearby African country.

All weapons were obvious bad props. The stick were made from paper towel rolls that were sprayed silver. You could see the diagonal lines where the roll joins itself. Then there was a guy with a thick club. It was floppy and had the same diameter of a pool noodle. I wonder how they made that prop?

Most of the scenes where: someone searching for someone else and encountering an enemy while doing it. Nothing that anyone does is of any consequence to the other teams. Why was this movie even made? I took $300k USD. Who knows the budget? Dudikov was popular and probably expensive. They saved a bit by not having Jackson. He was my favourite character in the series. Always kicking ass. They probably saved a ton of money by doing everything in one take. You know its one take when the actor forgets his line and they leave it in. They didn’t need to make this because there is no continuation of the series or build up to a grand finale. They’re basically the same movie as American Ninja 1 but with a different background and a slightly different cast and script. Maybe the script is identical and no one noticed.

So. I don’t know why it was made, but I know for sure that no one should watch this.

Tiger Claws 2

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30 seconds of establishing shots, 30 seconds of line delivery, rinse, repeat.

1996’s Tiger Claws 2 is a celebration of bad editing. It’s about some cop in New York that hears of murders in San Francisco where the bodies has claw marks. He knows about the murderer because he was the arresting cop. The murderer is found to have been broken out from jail. So the cop is now going to SF.

The guy that broke the murderer out is some rich crime boss and he wants to open up a portal to some place. Obviously, the only way to open the portal is to stage a martial arts tournament in the parking lot of his restaurant. Also, all the participants are his soldiers. Also, they will have a final fight with the murderer.

The murderer is played by Bolo Yeung. He’s the massive asian bad guy in the final fight of Blood Sport. He must have been paid by the word because he was quiet throughout the movie and had a terrible display of action at the end. This must have been shot during his holiday in SF. According to IMDB he was the main bad guy too in Tiger Claws 1. This is probably the tale of how the cop first arrested him.

So the plot is pretty thin and the acting is terrible and editing is awful. Why was this made? Cynthia Rothrock is the lead but she pretty forgettable in the role. I was expecting and epic fight between her and Bolo but it wasn’t going to happen. She was also the lead in the first movie, maybe it was done there. So it’s not to display the fighting ability, no data on revenue and it didn’t look like they were closing plot holes of the first movie, even thought I didn’t see the first movie. I don’t know why this movie exists. I might be that it was very cheap to make. Like if they paid the actors during the first movie and they get two sequels for free. It would explain why they have so little footage and script and padded it out with establishing shots. But this is just my guess. I’m sure there’s a better story.

The Bye Bye Man

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Nothing can prepare you for how bad this movie is.

The Bye Bye Man is about a ghost-like guy called The Bye Bye Man. That kills people that say his name. Why? If he was good at killing, there would eventually not be anyone that knows his name and he would cease to exist. Also, why does a living person saying your name mean that you have to kill that person? What does it mean for you that someone says it?

Throughout the movie we’re never told about the backstory of Bye Bye. I don’t understand his motivation to kill. He doesn’t do anything to the bodies and it is of no consequence to him whether or not someone is dead or alive. And another thing, his name, The Bye Bye Man? That is the least scary name every made for a ghost. Its like a child came up with the name and the writer stuck with it. Then there are scenes about trains and his ghost dog that doesn’t have skin. I don’t know why they are there. They do nothing.

This movie was made in 2017 and I thought we’ve come far in quality of movies. Obviously I’m wrong. Everything was terrible in this movie. Acting, cast, script, scenes, editing, sound, you name it. I’m pretty sure some scenes were out of focus but hopefully it was intentional. You would think it was a commercial failure, but no, it made money. Probably watched by stupid kids. $7m budget and $22m earnings. Greedy cash grab. I hope more shit movies are made like this so it drowns out the market.

The movie starts with some guy shooting up his friends and family because he told them the name of Bye Bye. So if you kill them, Bye Bye doesn’t kill them? How is he making the situation better? He might as well just do nothing. Bye Bye will still kill them. This was about 5 minutes into the movie where the premise broke beyond repair.

Now in present day, this group of three students rent some shitty apartment near their school. They go about the usual motions and tropes like random noises, jump scares, summoning the dead, you know, horror movie shit. So now the three people and some random friend all know the name. For some reason, they hallucinate that the other friend is doing something out of character and for no reason, they believe it. About half way in, Bye Bye appears. So you know he has arrived. Why didn’t he kill everyone right there and then? Why does he feel the need to disappear when someone turns on a light or has a friend entering the room? Bye Bye supposed to kill everyone right? What a shitty bad guy.

Among the three friends, one of them was a girl that was British that tried to play an American. Obviously, she’s not very good at it. For no reason, Bye Bye’s effect on her is to make her sick in addition to hallucinate. The others are left healthy but she just coughs throughout the movie. They don’t do anything with this sub-plot. She just coughs and thats that.

There’s one scene where the new friend, the one that summoned the dead, ran across railway tracks and got hit by a train. One of the protagonists liked her and was with the police to give a statement. Carrie Anne Moss, Trinity from The Matrix, is the cop and he hallucinates her winking at him. He should have asked her why is she winking at a time when his girl just died and they are at the scene of the death. Nope, he winks back. Trinity doesn’t know that he is hallucinating and she’s taken aback.

I could go on and on about how every scene doesn’t make sense in our world and the world that was created by the premise. But I’ll stop here. There is nothing good about this movie.

Dragon Ball Evolution

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I’d rather watch 10 hours of animated Goku screaming while powering up.

The great failure of 2009 was this movie. It made $9m from a budget of $30m. It’s about a bad guy named Piccolo that wants to collect six dragon balls so he can use the one wish to take over the world. Goku is the good guy and he already has one Dragon Ball and needs to collect them all before Piccolo. Goku teams up with some girls and his grandfather to find them. Goku is a teenager and will need to do a lot of growing up to train and figure out his power to beat Piccolo in the final battle.

The guy that wrote the Dragonball manga hated this movie. So did the guy that played Piccolo. The screenplay guy got death threats. This is all due to the fact that the movie heavily adapts the cartoon to make it into a movie for America. Fuck yeah. The actress that plays Bulma was dubbed by some random girl. Same with Yamcha.

It starts with a green screen training fight between Goku and his grandfather. Most of the movie will be done with a green screen. Then we get to see him almost-fighting school bullies and almost-befriending a crush. The acting is awkward and terrible in everything.

Piccolo acts like a regular bad guy with a single motivation. But in the cartoon he starts off as Goku’s friend and is a complicated character. So in the movie, Piccolo, crushes Goku’s house and the grandfather inside dies. More bad reaction acting by Goku. Goku finds Master Roshi, played by Chow Yun Fat, that good main actor from Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. They do a training fight but it looks like a regular training practice played back at double the speed. He tries to teach Goku about fire bending. This is not something from the cartoons. I think the director tried to beat M Night Shyamalan to the punch because M Night was going to release The Last Airbender in 2010.

Ok. Fuck it. I’m done. There’s a million more things wrong with this movie. But I don’t care. And neither should you.

Resident Evil: The Final Chapter

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So you’ve got a franchise that started out great and got shitty as the sequels rolled in, so what do you do to send it off? Yes, make another shitty sequel.

Ok. This one isn’t as bad as the 2012 one where they’re on a ship and all the bad guys and their dogs make their mouths open to release a CGI venus fly trap.

After five movies, most of the world is dead. I don’t know why the Umbrella corp is still bent on making a virus and worried about making money. Money doesn’t even matter at that point. I don’t remember anything about this movie but IMDB tells me that Alice (Mila Jovovich) goes back to Racoon City where the Corp is planning a final assault on people. Why? Now that 99.9% of humans are dead, does anything matter? Thankfully, sanity prevails and this movie failed. It costs $40m and made $26m.

Anyways, it was shot in South Africa but there are only two shots that are recognizable. The opening with Table Mountain and a scene that looks like, Ponte Tower, a distinct apartment block in Johannesburg.

The only thing I remember about this film is that there was a lot of shakey camera work. There might have been good fight scenes, which was 90% of this movie, but we didn’t see any of it. Shake shake shake. It didn’t stop.

Don’t waste your time with this shit.

Kill Squad

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This movie is fucking awesome baby!

There is this guy that owns ‘business’ and he is being shaken down so he is shot and his wife is raped and killed. So he goes to some guy for help. The guy calls his Vietnam buddies to help fuck up the bad guys. There are six vet buddies and they start to rally together by collecting each other one by one. As they find their friend, the friend is busy with a small battle with pimps or crooks or some or other hoodlum. Its hilarious.

This movie was 90 minutes and is mathematically perfect. The first 30 minutes sets up the plot of the businessman, the bad guys and the guy that will organise the squad. The best line is used to get the guys to join: “Joseph needs you”. The next 30 minutes is about the squad coming together and doing random fights while they’re doing the collecting. Then the last 30 minutes is about them chasing the bad guy and the henchman and dying off. They die in the order they were collected.

Cameron Mitchell is in this movie and is the main bad guy. He’s somewhat sober and hasn’t turned into the drunk as he is 7 years later in Terror in Beverly Hills.

So why was this movie made? The writer and director is Patrick Donahue and this seems to be his first time at acting, writing and directing. He loves Bruce Lee kung fu movies apparently.

Do yourself a favour and watch this movie. It’s awesome!

Sleepwalkers

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If you stick a skewer into a cop, make sure you yell “Cop Kabab!”

1992’s Sleepwalkers had all the right ingredients. A novel and cameo by Stephen King, the hot waitress from Twin Peaks, an intro cameo by Mark Hamil, A cameo by John Landis and a young Ron Pearlman as a cop. It made $30m from a $15m budget. But it was a shitty movie. I think it’s the Director’s fault. All he’s done till that time was ‘behind the scenes’ videos and then would go on to make shitty TV movies.

Its about this couple that may or may not be a mom and her son that tend to engage in the incest. They are werewolves and live for forever and they are new to this town because they’re on the run from the last town where they killed someone for their life force. So the son goes to school, meets a new girl and wants to bring her home so his mother can kill her. During that time, a teacher says he can’t find a record of the son at a previous school he stated. Instead of telling him some bullshit reason that its some error on the records, he kills the teacher. The son drives off fast and now cop is after him. The cop has a cat that makes a hissing sound at the werewolf son. The werewolf kills the cop with the old ‘cop kebab’ move. Later on we see that the cats surround the werewolf house. Its supposed to imply that the cats are guarding the bad house. But the mom and son can walk in and out like there aren’t any cats. So why are there scenes with cats that don’t do anything? I don’t know. Maybe they had a discount on cats. At the end, there are a lot of cops after the son and they find his home. The mom can use some of her life force to make him invisible. There is a struggle with cops and the mom tries to run away. A cat is near and she bursts into flames.

Does any of this make sense? Yeah, we didn’t think so either.

Most of this movie is pointless dialogue and chase scenes that do nothing to movie the movie forward. I’m sure all the people involved enjoyed their new cars and houses.

This movie doesn’t have anything going for it except that a guy that wrote some really good books also wrote this book.

Don’t waste your time with this shit.

Cherry 2000

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It’s 1987 and Melanie Griffith hasn’t been in a big movie in a long time.

Cherry 2000 is set in 2017 and some guy is married to some android woman. She takes a bath and short circuits and breaks. So now he needs to find a replacement robot. So he travels to some bad neighborhood and get the help of Melanie to find this robot. There are some bad guys there and they chase after him. They find the robot, he needs to escape the bad guys with her with an airplane that he finds lying around. He then decides that he now like likes Melanie and goes back to get her and leaves his robot.

This is movie is dumb and Melanie is annoying. The director has done a few episodes of random TV series’. The writer is also not well known for good work. The biggest thing he did was the 1993 The Mummy. A masterpiece. The best part was that there was a hotel in the bad neighborhood called ‘The Gloryhole Hotel’.

So bad actors, bad story, bad screenplay, bad dialogue, bad effects and a bad Lawrence Fishbourne and Robert Z’dar cameo. Why was it made?

Orion waited to make this movie by making Robocop 1 first and then using the money from that to fund this. They even have the same composer and you can hear some almost-Robocop music.

I think it was made because Orion wanted to drill it into people that robots are not our future. They made another one of these types of movies during the same time Making Mr Right in 1987. They stopped because it failed to make any money with a $10m budget.

If you can stand Melanie’s voice, watch this movie.

Jaws 4: The Revenge

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Michael Caine wanted a new house and this movie paid for it.

The shark that Roy Scheider killed in Jaws 1, has some shark that knows it and now this new shark wants revenge. So in 1987, this new shark knows what the wife of Roy looks like and he traveled to her holiday destination in the Caribbean and then torments her and her son. She meets Caine and he flies them around. Being a great pilot, he lets her son or grandson, some child, fly the plane by doing dives. Great work pilot.

The rest of the movie is flashbacks scene that the wife has of Jaws 1. Then bullshit dialogue of them remembering those events. The wife also has nightmares and mental breakdowns about the damn shark.

Oh, the shark roars and it sounds like a lion.

This movie is terrible. It costs $23million and made $20million. It also assumes Jaws 3 – 3D doesn’t exist. Why was it even made? Probably a cash grab. Lets get the cast that is desperate for the money and some A-lister and make some shit while we’re on holiday. We’ll use the expenses as a tax write off.

If you value your eyes and your ears, and, maybe your memory, DO NOT WATCH THIS.

Eliminators

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What you’re looking at, is a ‘mandroid’. Isn’t that just the best shitty name ?

Eliminators was a 1986 movie made by Charles Band. He made a ton of B-movies. Up to now, we haven’t watched any of them. But Trancers and Gingerdead Man are on the list of movie to watch.

The starting was just great. There is a WW1 fighter pilot with overlaid explosions and he’s shooting at some army that was dressed in Hercules era soldiers. Probably because he couldn’t find five army uniforms. Then it cuts to the future with some doctor is playing a Frankenstein and makes the dead pilot into a robot. But the robot has tracks for legs and holsters for his rocket launchers. This movie came out a year before Robocop 1. His holsters also store legs. Then they want to shut him down so he escapes the compound to find scientist lady and her R2 unit and they help him get away. I think they called the R2 unit ‘Owl-2′. Just like Robocop, he meets his wife and child and doesn’t recognise her. But wasn’t he from 50 years back? What the fuck? Then, out of nowhere, the initial Frankenstein guy’s son is a ninja and thinks the mandroid killed his father and now he’s out for revenge.

After a many, many chase scenes that go from boats to the bush with off-road tuktuks. Mandroid uses his tracks and laserblaster to shoot at people that chase him. The last fight looks like its set in some cave that looks like Hercules-era rooms. Then the scientist lady sends him back in time, for some reason, to 14 BC. Some random guy says “I wish I learned computer programming’ and punched the keyboard to send him further to some few million BC. He reaches that time and explodes. The scientist and her friends laugh.

This movie is insane. Watch it.