Low blow

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What do you think of when you hear the name cameron mitchell? Yes, drunk on set.

This guy looked so drunk, he couldn’t talk or stand up. He was quiet and on a chair the whole movie. Wearing sunglasses and a cape. When he slept, he wore the head piece of the cape.

So this movie starts with leo fong shooting at some bad guys that were robbing a restaurant. He doesnt hang around for the cops, he just says “keep the sandwich” and walks out. He also seems to live at a dump.

Michael michaelson also stars in this gem. He is the father of a girl that was kidnapped by cameron mitchells cult. But this cult just did gardening and brainwashing to do more gardening. We need more of these cults really.

Michaelson hires low blow to get the daughter.  He does, because plot.

I wish cameron mitchell wasnt so drunk. We would have had a good speech before he shoots someone.

Troll 2

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Here’s another stinker that hits high scores on shit lists.

I hear that this movie was made to capitalise on the success of troll 1. Its not a sequel or related in anyways. I think it was originally titled GOBLINS.

So these goblins kidnap you, feed you and then eat you. They never have movement in the faces. Because it was a cheap rubber mask.

Noteable moments:

  • sister does a funny dance
  • Kid pees on the food to prevent family from eating poisonous food
  • Father tightens belt to “stop the hunger pains”
  • Two dudes like to play with each other on the bed of a mobile home.
  • One dude makes the famous “oh my god!” Cry

Watch it. Dont watch it. Whatever.

Hard ticket to hawaii

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What do you do if you win an award for good directing of sports events? You start making movies obviously. This is how andy sidaris got his start. And then rather than writing a story and casting the movie. You find a cast and then figure out what you can shoot in one take with the props and locations that surround you right now.

Can you see where this is headed. We watch a few of his movies. Hard ticket to hawaii,  guns and Picasso trigger. And here’s whats common:

  • Same actresses.  Playboy models.
  • Exposition is always in a bathtub with these washing their filthy boobs.
  • If theres an old junker car, it will explode.
  • Theres the same restaurant where the bad guy hangs out.
  • Theres a cross dressing clerk at the restaurant.
  • A motorcycle will break a dry wall.
  • Theres radio controlled cars or helicopters
  • Theres a helicopter scene
  • Theres a light aircraft scene
  • The girls wear sexy khakis and gogo boots
  • Theres a red jeep wrangler.
  • Henchmen are a big hawaiian and a dude with a ponytail.

Andy made 14 of these “movies” and we need to watch them all. Because boobs right?

The room

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What more can be said about this gem. The only competing movie for all time b movie junk is birdemic. They try their best to make a straight movie and then fail spectacularly.

Never watch this alone either.

So the main guy johnny is having relationship trouble with his slut girlfriend.  But who cares. Here’s some character traits:

  • Johnny laughs at anything. And he starts every sentence with “oh hi”
  • Denny is a friend or something that wants to bang johnnys girl. And then tell johnny this. Fuck.
  • The girl bang johnnys best friend mark
  • Mark is banging his friends girl
  • The mother has cancer and no one gives a shit

So watch it. Make a drinking game out of it too. Everytime they throw a ball around, take a shot.

 

Deadly prey

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The most awesome movie ever. Danton is Deadly prey and he fucks everyone up cos he is badass.

The bad guys are training for something. And the way they train is by kidnapping random people from a town nearby. The boss of the bad guys also kill his own men. Usually the boss will kill one guy to make an example to prevent disobedience. This idiot kills like half his men. Danton could just wait it out and be victorious.

Cameron mitchell is in here. And he is a gem. He asked a guy “are you a friend or foe?” The bad guy says he is a friend. And cameron kills him anyways. Then he gives the robot actor michael michaelson a long speech about the meek fucking up the rich who sit in their penthouses. I dont remember. But its gold.

The best reason to watch this is for the end. Danton breaks off a bad guy’s arm and then beats the bad guy with that arm.

Theres also a 2013 deadliest prey movie. We need to watch it. Its supposed to be a b movie too.

Science of shit

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We watch a ton of B movies and i saw someone make this graph. I dont remember where, so i made my own. But a good b movie is one thats so good its bad. Most B movies are just boring. The redlettermedia guys describe it perfectly. The producers and actors play it straight and try hard to make a good movie. And they fail completely.

Edit: that quality axis should go the other way. Good quality is on the left not the right.