Return to Savage Beach

return to savage beach

L.E.T.H.A.L. Ladies: Return to savage beach

Its 1998. 9 years after Savage Beach took place. The guns are bigger. The boobs are bigger. The plot is thinner.

The plot goes something like this: These girl get a computer disk to find a treasure. They find it. I do apologize for not having a memory. I was distracted.

Oh, he Japanese army guy makes an appearance by way of stock footage. It feels like 30 minutes of this 90 minute movie was re-use of the 1989’s footage. It worked. Double the boob count.

At some point, early on, we thought we were watching a softcore porn. We think Andy really didn’t have a target market of horny men, he was just making movies for himself.

Savage Beach

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Ah. Andy Sidaris. The master of giving the people what they want. And by ‘people’, I mean horny men.

Andy has footage of that he uses in most of his movies. This is not bad, they all seem to work. The plane over the trees, the plane in the hangar, the warehouse, the sexy girls in their sexy uniforms, the red jeep, the Hawaii restaurant.

So, in 1989, these girls are some drug enforcement cops and they look for a guy, find him and then stop him. Now, they are helping a military guy find some gold stolen by some Japanese.

Memorable moments:

  • The Japanese actor stole the show. Best acting in an Andy movie ever. He even used that scene in the sequel
  • Exposition took place in a jacuzzi while these girls wash their dirty breasts
  • The awesome Japanese actor was still alive and chopped the bad guys. I cant remember the plot point exactly because he looked like he could be Y K Kim in zombie mode still searching going around the planet murdering everyone in his quest to achieve world peace.
  • There is a bad guy from the Philippines that looks very South American and is named Martinez. I wonder why.

You cant help but love an Andy Sidaris movie. Girls, Guns and G-strings.

 

Yor, The hunter from the future

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This is a 1983 movie and i cant compare it to anything.

Yor is a hunter guy. I cant remember if he was from the future because there is nothing that established this fact. Then he walks around a rocky desert place and finds people that want to kill him and then he kills them.

The whole movie was like this… Yor goes to a place, meets people that want to kill him, he kills everyone except one girl. The girl belongs to him now, they walk off, they end up in a place where he meets people that want to kill him. The people were, in order, neanderthals, cavemen, a girl with the same jewelry robots, future science people.

Who care about any of this shit. What we did find interesting was that Yor is the same lead actor from Space Mutiny. And the future place that the last fight takes place looked like the same refinery like the one in Space Mutiny. I’m sure its just coincidence because Space Mutiny was in 1988 and Yor is 1983.

The credits had a lot of Italian and Turkish names.

Yor is low to mildly entertaining. I’m not sure why there is so much hype around it by many other B movie fans. At some points we even thought it would be a good movie. You know, like Robot Jox.

 

I am here …. Now

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Four dots are not a mistake.

After watching Double Down, we had to watch more Neil Breen. He is so cool. This movie was waaay less entertaining. It was a 5 minute story stretched to 90 minutes. I think it was about a girl that needed money and became a prostitute and Neil made her change her ways. I honestly lost interest after 15 minutes because it was so damn boring.

Here are some moments that we remember:

  • One of the broken computers in Double Down was torn down and parts taped to his body. I think it was a RAM chip on each wrist and a motherboard on his chest.
  • Neil Breen is god and is disappointed in our species. (He pronounces it as speeshees)
  • The girl says: “I can wait to have sex with two guys at the same time”. Who says that?
  • The guy says: “Hell Yeah! Daaamn! I’ll do her! Twins!”. Who says that? Also, the girls looked nothing like each other
  • There were bad guys that exposed their evil plans to anyone at all times. Some shit about “politicians and corporations”

Dont waste your time with this movie.

Double Down

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I’ve mentioned Red Letter Media here a few time & they did not disappoint in picking this movie.  We watched it too. Its beyond any movie we’ve seen ever.

We could not breathe. It was non stop since the first minute.

It felt like a directors commentary, but that was the actual movie. Neil Breen narrating everything.

Here’s the plot. Neil Breen is a super smart guy and someone killed his wife, so now he works for terrorists to shut down a street for a few days for some reason. I cant say more than this. Because we were laughing so hard. So just go watch it. Find Neil, buy his dvd, pay whatever he wants to charge for it. Its worth it.

Some (a lot of) memorable moments:

  • He only eats tuna out of the can
  • He is a fighter pilot and a programmer and a spy and a bioweapons expert and a hacker and thief and a satellite controller
  • He has all the medals of doing things. He pinned it to a shitty denim cut off jacket and wears it randomly with no underwear.
  • All guns are clearly toys
  • He goes to kill a couple but kill the wrong one and then he went to find the right one and they did a suicide so he called it a day
  • He tests his anthrax by wiping it on a guy’s arm in broad daylight
  • He tests his anthrax by pouring it in a lake. If he was successful, he would pour it in the same lake
  • We see his balls
  • He has four broken computers and he keeps typing things on all of them all the time
  • He has three broken cell phones
  • He has two satellite dishes on the back of his car. He keeps a spanner to tighten something. But there is clearly no nut in that location that he is tightening
  • 99% of this movie is narration of Neil talking about how cool/clever/badass/smart/brave/powerful he is

We have not been this entertained. EVER.

We we’re using quotes in regular conversation. We are Breen Damaged.

Future war

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Let me try to give you the plot. There are robots in the future, they go to the past to pick up some dinosaurs. They then move to the current date, which is still the past for them. They then hunt people for some reason using these dinosaurs. Some chick saw this and now they are after her. She finds a brain damaged guy and teach him english despite him admitting that he is a tool. Ah fuck it, let me tell you whats awesome.

All of the action takes place in a factory that makes empty boxes. So almost all shots are there. They throw the boxes like it weighs nothing, but then the impact when it hits something makes it look like it was heavy. Its hilarious.

Then the dinosaurs explode when they die. For some reason. Oh wait. These dinosaurs are the gems of the movie. Some of them are the size of a dog, some are huge and some are tiny. The only reason we could come up with is that they are all the same tiny dinosaurs, and the surroundings are badly scaled. Like when they used a toy doll house to make it look like the dinosaur was bigger than a human. The best part is the stalking and kill scenes. The tiny dinosaur is taped to the top of the camera. The closeness will make you think that they are big. You dont fool me! I’m not stupid. (Yeah, i’m saying this after watching a ton of bad movies.)

Robert Z’dar appear every now and again to kill then die then kill again then die again. We didnt care at this point, the cardboard boxes and tiny toy dinosaurs had us laughing uncontrollably. Whenever poor Robert moved, he made a noise of an electric screwdriver. Regardless of the action he took, the same sound clip was used.

Think Terminator + Jurassic Park + BloodSport.

Go watch it. Its awesome.

Exterminator 2

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This wasn’t the first movie choice for us this night.

The first pick was The Tomb. The first few minutes looked amazing. Like it would even be a good movie. Then it sucked. Our rule is “if it still sucks after 30 mins, we pick another”. It was so damn boring. People walk around and recite the script that they memorised.

The second pick was Escape from Galaxy 3. This looked like a sequel to starcrash. That movie with that belter Caroline Munro and David Hasselhof. Well this one didnt have them, or texan ‘cops’, or the count dracula bad guy, or Afro Acton. It did have the Count’s space ship which was a metal hand that looked like lego. I vaguely remember starcrash and i think that hand-spaceship footage was copied from starcrash and not new. After 10 minutes, we weren’t inspired and then moved to the third movie.

Exterminator 2 is 90 minutes of robert ginty and shaft driving a shitty dump truck and killing bad guys.

The dump truck was the star of the show, robert fucking ginty presses a button to compact a bad guy inside the dump part, but the guy doesn’t even seem to be in any discomfort. He doesnt even seem to dislike the smell of a garbage truck insides. Which means that the filthy truck is kind and considerate. Then robert fucking ginty installs cardboard ramming bar/sheet at the front to push cars or things out of the way. But you know its not going to work when the truck drives around a bumpy road and the bar bounces around.

Ok so the reason that the teuck had mods, its cos the bad guys killed shaft.  Shaft is such a cool cat, he finishes his dump truck job at night by going direcrly to a bar. No smell, truck is awesome. Then he is always bouncy and a cool cat and getting girls to party with him.

Robert fucking ginty wears the same jacket in every scene.

Fuck this movie. Its boring. Dont watch it. We didnt watch the first exterminator movie but im sure it will suck.

Ps. If youre wondering why my watch list looks a lot like red letter media, its because i follow their awesome lists and opinions. Seriously,  you should check them out on youtube.

Hollywood cop

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This movie was made by the same guy that made Samurai cop. Except that this movie is better because its got Cameron Mitchell.

The plot, as far as we could tell, was that some bad guys kidnapped a kid that was washing his goat, and then demanded six million dollars ransom to return the kid. The parents that have to fulfil the ransom were a single mom that didnt have a job, and a dead beat father that was having sexy time with three other girls. So… why these people? They aren’t worth anything. We dont know. Why 6m$? We dont know? They didn’t have a reason to want that money. They could have even asked for 100 bucks and it would have had the same plot.

We found this movie on youtube and the uploader has english subtitles (to an english audio track). But the subtitles included additional things like music notes when music was playing, “[vicious slapping]” when someone got slapped around viciously, “whap”, “thud”. So obviously there is a market for b movies targeted at deaf people. Who knew?

Memorable moments:

  • one of the bad guys was italian, so his name was ‘spa-ghe-ti’
  • racist dialogue to asian waiter
  • kid didnt want to come inside the house because he wasnt done washing his goat.
  • kid suffers no trauma and has no fear as his kidnapper shout at him.
  • one shot of the hollywood sign and no other indicators that this is hollywood
  • one bad guy named Animal, is rough with girls and laughs all the time.
  • the buddy cop duo was named Turkey and Jaguar
  • Cameron mitchell was drunk. And it was awesome. He needed more screen time.
  • cop tells an arab man right after his wife was raped: “hey, i know he just fucked your wife, but what did he look like?”
  • arab man with a machete cliche

So back to the plot. Why did anyone do anything in this movie? We dont know why the kidnap took place. We dont know why these two cops are partners. We dont know why the arab man sub plot was put in because they conclude it immediately and it adds nothing to the story.

4.2 on imdb. Watch it. its awesome.

Aerobicide

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This movie is also known as “Killer Workout”. Who gives their move two names? You couldn’t decide so you publish is as “Aerobicide also known as Killer Workout”. This smells a lot like there was a 50/50 ownership of this movie and not 49.9/50.1.

Anyways. This movie is awesome, its got the Deadly Prey guys and I think Danton (the main Deadly Prey guy, or also known as Deadly Prey) is the writer and director. The other actors we recognised are ‘sunglasses guy’, he’s the guy that that shoots all of his henchmen, and the captain guy, he’s the guy with the granades on the table.

Back to Aerobicie. Here’s what we saw… There is a gym that has sexy ladies doing sexy workouts to sexy 80’s music. There work out mainly consists of jumping on the spot so that their tits bounce, and bending over to show their ass and panties to any passersby. Now, in this gym, there is a killer, that kills using a big safety pin. So we wondered why a safety pin? Not a usual gun, or machete, or shiv, or dumbell. The only reason is that they wanted some other exotic prop, but this was filmed in a weekend and the real prop would arrive 3 days later. Who knows. So in the end, the lead actress smiles and shows the safety pin as if she’s the killer (oh, spoilers). But in the middle of the movie, she was arrested and in the back of a cop car when another murder in the gym, with a safety pin, took place. So then who done it? we’ll never know.

Memorable moments:

  • lead actress is burnt by a tanning bed, (more like tanning George Foreman Grill, amirite?) but, despite being in a full body bed, her face is not burnt. WTF
  • Deadly prey is in the same street corner carrying the same two garbage bags
  • creepy gym guy was creepy
  • either no man had a penis, or, for some reason, they all had tranny tuck jobs, so that they looked like they were wearing women’s pants/shorts.
  • a girl breaks into the men’s changing room to sniff a guys jockstrap
  • there is a locker with a rubber hand that pops out when you open it. and despite looking like every other locker, everyone always opens up this booby trapped locker.
  • the killer kills a girl in the shower, then goes through the effort of stuffing the body into a locker.
  • at one point we thought that it would be wise if the coroner left a pile of body bags at the gym because
  • many people were dying on a regular basis, but the gym must go on

Watch this movie. Its awesome. it get a 4.8 on IMDB. (I dont know why i post IMDB ratings, they do not inform my decision in any way.)

Samurai cop

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This is a popular b movie. But i dont think its the best as many other b fans think. Its got tons of silly scenes but no big wtf scene.

Most of the wtfs are because of incoherent screen play. I think the director made an initial cut, then added scenes, then cut and added again. This might explain why the main actor, samurai cop, clearly wears a wig in some scenes. Theres even scenes where it wasnt cut where you would think it should have been cut. Like when the sidekick kisses the cop boss. The boss shouts at him and then laughs. The laughing made no sense.

Also the main guy uses a sword a few times but thats not a good reason to call him a samurai.

Then robert z’dar acts in it. Best bad guy in a b movie ever. I wonder if there is a movie with robert zdar and cameron mitchell. Oh wait. Terror in beverly hills has them and it delivers. Close the fucking doors.

Anyways. The best scene, apart from all the girls literally saying “wanna fuck?”, is when the sidekick cop goes under a wall instead of climbing over it. Samurai asks him “why did you go under it?”. He replies with “cos im an undercover cop”.

I cant remeber the premise. All i can say it that the good guys win at the end.

Another b movie trait is when you watch it and you keep saying “WHAT?”. So remember that next time you’re watching a movie.