Christian Mingle

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If you’re into some hot Christian manipulation film, you’re in for a treat.

Christian Mingle is a dating website that started in 2001. They do well in getting peoples money and in 2014 they made an app for phone. This movie was released in the same year but I don’t remember them doing heavy-handed marketing for the app. They hired notorious hack Corben Bernsen to direct this movie. He then hired some hacks to do a thing called ‘acting’.

Did they achieve success with this movie? Well, they paid $650 000 to make the movie and it made $19 836 at the theaters. They have a 4.3 on IMDB and 27% of the 305-person audience liked it. So no. They failed. And quite hard. But its a Christian movie so its God’s will if they win & a test if they fail.

The main star is Lacy Chabert. She was the young daughter in Lost in Space. That space movie with Joey from Friends where a robot says “Danger Will Robinson!”. Lacy is single and sees that everyone she knows is married and happy. So she thinks she will become happy if she gets married. She makes a profiles on one website and has two dates. The first guy was interested in someone else at their date place. The second guy was at a quiet coffee shop where there were no opportunity to be distracted because there were no other customers. She goes out of her way to show how ignorant she is about religion. The dude knows this but ignores it because she’s attractive. But no hanky panky until the wedding.

The rest of the movie is about how his family doesn’t like her because she’s not a super-fan of Jesus. She goes with his family to do charity work in Mexico. Then she puts in the effort to learn by getting a ‘jesus for dummies’ book but this gesture is taken completely in the wrong way because they see it as she’s a liar and not just some normal person trying to fit in. Good work Corben. Painting the typical Christian is a self obsessed zealot cunt. Isn’t this the target market your funders paid you to convert into advocates?

So now that she’s an outcast, the dude find the next chick and moves on. The next chick, by the way, holds the record for having the longest neck in the western hemisphere. Probably.

For no reason, she decides to go to back to Mexico to do solo charity work. For some reason the dude is there alone again and they meet and its happily ever after.

What? Why? Are you saying that everything will magically be right if you just become a Super Christian? And that people that are not Christian will never be happy? Nice one Corben. You can fuck right off!

Should you watch this movie? NO! Its really boring, the plot takes up maybe 10 of the 90 minutes. The rest is bullshit conversations and montages.

Things

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Its 1989 and you have a deadline to hand in your film school project.

This movie is about some guy that wants to get his wife pregnant but can’t so he gets a doctor to impregnate her. Some how it works and there is a baby and the baby kills him. Aaaaaand he wakes up because it was all a dream. Oh, its a film school project.

This was a soft start to the movie because the introduction credits only start now. There is a credit to Stryk 9. I have no idea what that is. The two guys, Andrew Jordan and Barry Gillis do everything. Act, write, direct, make the special effects, edit, made the beer (probably), all of it.

I hope they passed because they’re all about ideas. No talent. But ideas can be used to fake the existence of talent. This movie was done in 1989 and their inspiration was the Exorcist, Dawn of the Dead movies and maybe Alien too.

There are hard cuts from scene to scene and they don’t have a logical flow. Its like a there was three movies and these guys cut the tape, shuffled the pieces and stuck them together.

So mustache guy gets to his brother’s house and wants to have a beer. Instead he has the beer with an old friend because the brother isn’t there. The brother is a ghost and the brother’s wife, we’re told, is sleeping. Why? Who is she? Why do we care? These are great questions.

Hard cut and we have a blonde news reporter reading some card that waaay to far to the right of the camera. She pauses, looks at the card, reads off the words, takes an awkward breathe, and then looks at the camera again. Give her an Oscar already. In the news report, they mention that they hate Tracy Lords. They obviously are big pornography fans.

There are some keys off a Casio keyboard that is repeated throughout the movie.

Out of the blue, there are creatures in a the loo and a giant ant that the main guy will chainsaw dead. No one seems to panic when this stuff is going on and then there is the plot about the baby and how it now needs to be hidden.

I lost my mind with this movie. It’s a fever dream with weird shit going on that has no reason as to why it needs to happen.

It ends early because there are 20 minutes worth of unfunny bloopers after the credits. But the important point here, at the end, is that they are all alive and well. They walk out the house and to their car and you hear a voice over saying “are you sure it wasn’t all a dream?”. Fuck you movie.

Don’t watch it. It’s terrible, boring, makes no sense, has bad sound recordings, has bad camera work. And worst of all, it was all a dream.

American Ninja 3

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This movie is confused. The premise is ‘Jackson is back with a new partner’. So you think that Jackson is the main guy right? Nope. He’s the partner of the main guy. The only reason they say this is that the main guy wasn’t acting in this. The new partner also gets to be on the poster of the movie. So why do you talk about Jackson but show me Sean? Fuck you Cannon. Fuck you Golan. Fuck you Globus. You stupid motherfuckers!

I’ll still watch it. Because I know it would be bad.

So Dudikoff gave this one a skip. Why? Its 1988 and he was filming another movie. Platoon Leader and he was the lead. So you think he’s cutting his losses and moving to something better? Think again asshole. Platoon Leader is also a Cannon movie. Just like American Ninja. And its just as bad. So why would Cannon disrupt their franchise? Its silly to have Dudikoff in 1, 2 and 4 but a disposable in 3. It’s probably because Chuck Norris’ brother was the director of Platoon Leader. Aaron Norris wants to make a movie? Sure give him anything he wants. He’s Chucks brother and thats enough to guarantee success. 1988 is also the start of the end of Cannon. Next year they would own distribution but production was some other company and in early 90’s they would close down. Oh, this was shot in sunny South Africa. Because tax incentives.

According to IMDB trivia. Dudikoff didn’t want to go back to South Africa because he was against apartheid. But then he comes back in 1990, during apartheid, to film American Ninja 4. So his reason was forgotten. Oh, and Platoon leader was shot in South Africa too. What the fuck Dudikoff? Do you not know how excuses work?

Now you why it was made, lets figure out what was made. The plot is about some random martial arts champion named Sean that is infected with some virus by a terrorist named Cobra. They don’t tell why any of this is happening. Why would a terrorist care about a karate guy? Anyway, Sean’s father gets killed when Sean was young. Thats the reason he trains like a motherfucker to get real good. There is also a science guy that can science terrorism away with chemicals and lab glassware.

The thinnest plot now starts. Sean is at a karate tournament and witnesses a kidnapping and thats the reason he dedicates his life to solving and saving. Now some ninjas see him and they follow him too. No one knows why any of this happening. There are long chase scenes and at one point Sean and the ninjas end up in water and he does an absolutely magnificent punch under water. Then while more fighting takes place, Jackson, for some reason, has a wardrobe change. For no reason the chase scene has Sean in a glider to find the ninjas and that glider fails. For no reason, Jackson has a truck on the road in the path of the failing glider to pick him up.

At this point I stopped caring about a plot or logic or physics. I just watched some shit moving on a screen and repetitive music in the background. RIP brain cells. You probably were good at some point.

Should you watch this? Only if you hate yourself.

 

House of the Dead

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Oh Uwe. How do you manage to get people to give you money?

So this turd from 2003 is about a some stupid teenagers that look 30 that go to some random island to have a rave but it turns out that there is no rave and there are zombies instead. Then they find weapons, for no reason. Then they go killing the zombies while most of their friends die in the process. Would you predict that the lead survives?

I don’t know how Uwe Boll does it. He gets funding for these movies and none of them are any good. He also seems to target video games to be adapted for film. This may be his first one. Alone in the dark and BloodRayne was in 2005. Dungeon Seige was 2007 and Far Cry was 2008. This time Sega was the sucker. You see them in the opening credits and, for no reason, there was a massive banner in the middle of the jungle rave.

I haven’t played the games but Wikipedia says some shit about a lab and a biochemist and doctor. This has absolutely no relation to anything in the movie. In the movie, there is a rave, kids get there, its dark and no one is around, then zombies fight for and hour.

Uwe doesn’t like details like surnames, each character has one name and one trait. Rudy, Simon, Alicia, Casper, Greg etc. Cartoon characters have more depth. If he cared less, he would have Miami Connection names like John, Jim, Jeff, Jane, Tom and Mark.

There are random flashes of the game in the movie. No reason given and it doesn’t add to the story. It’s also so short that you hardly see what the game is about. But I doubt they wanted to make a movie to sell a game. But you never know how Uwe sells his ideas. It wasn’t a total failure too. It costs about $12m and grossed $14m. I still don’t know if he approached Sega or if they approached him?

Jurgen Prochnow is a recurring star in Uwe’s movies. I’m sure they’re both in on the scam too. At least Jurgen as Das Boot to his credit to make the proposal to the funders seem more legitimate.

So, should you watch it? Yes! Eyecandy, violence and the most stupid plot, acting and dialogue you will see in a long time.

America 3000

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This movie is woggos. That’s old-speak for crazy. Also, that in the title slides of this shit movie.

Its a 1986 movie. Its a Cannon movie too so you know its quality. The plot is about a world that is 900 years after a nuclear apocalypse. Women rule the world and men are either living dildos, called seeders, or live alone in the wild. There is this one guy that, for no reason, is smarter than everyone else and gets a tribe to learn to fight. Its a weird mix of trying to be like Zardoz with the gender stuff and Battlefield Earth with cavemen quickly learning about technology to fight. Other than this, there isn’t much of a plot. Its a desert, some idiots walk from scene to scene talking about stuff that doesn’t affect the outcome of the plot.

Everyone has silly names because that how the future will be. Lynka, Korvis, Vena, Gruss, Morha, Lakella, Reya, Lelz, etc you get the picture. The cast also gave it their all. Probably because Golan and Globus promised to make them the next Dudikov.

With so little going for it, I wonder how they manage to get it to 90 minutes long. Even the props tried hard. Cardboard wrapped in foil. Good times.

If you like bad movie, you would probably watch this. And you wouldn’t like it too.

 

Ishtar

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What do you do what you have a lot of money and haven’t ever failed? Yes, you fail.

This movie gets a lot of hate. It’s 1987 and made about $14m from a $55m budget mainly because it wasn’t funny. Its about two shitty singers that somehow get dragged into being part of some middle spy story. The plot is irrelevant. Nothing happens in the movie anyways. The fun stuff is all the crap that surrounds this movie.

Sony probably went to Dustin and said “Hey buddy, you wanna make some money? Lets make Tootsie, but in a desert. We’ll throw in that guy that wins all those awards for movies that don’t go anywhere. Whats his name? Beatty.”

But I think I’ve cracked. See, back then, there was this 55 year old woman. She was a great director, she doctored a ton of scripts that resulted in the movies getting nominated for a ton of awards, she even acted and in great movies. Her name was Elanie May. She was known at the time for The Graduate, Tootsie, Mickey and Nicky and The Heartbrak Kid. All popular movies with good reviews and a lot of money. So she had this idea, of shitty singers in sand. She took it ot Columbia/Sony and they probably saw dollar signs because she’s never put a wrong foot forward. Then she goes on to call Dustin and Warren to call in some favours to act in these movies. She is successful in guilting them into working on it. The movie gets made. Its not great but its good enough. Some studio executive wants to get famous and starts telling people about how bad its doing. That becomes the story and in 1987, people had nothing in their lives so if they hear one idiot shout about a lousy return, thats all that gets recorded. So now this poor lady has a shitty reputation and never directs another movie again. The movie gets called the worst movie ever and its not entirely true.

So poor Ishtar. Its a case of using the best ingredients to cook a meal and that meal is only mediocre. I also think its a bit of a mistaken audience. The makers is really old and if the audience was people around her age, they would probably enjoy it. Its like an old-timey type of comedy. But the movie goers and critics where around the 20s and 30s. That’s half Elaine’s age.

Poor Ishtar. We’ll watch you again in 20 years. And we might enjoy it.

Catwoman

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Oh my god. This was the worst movie we have ever seen.

Let’s get the plot out of the way. There is this woman. Patience. She is a graphic designer for a cosmetics company. She somehow finds out that the cosmetics are addictive and damaging. Then while she runs away from the security, a cat burps on her face and she becomes a CGI Catwoman. For some reason the wife of the boss of the cosmetics company knows this and kills the boss and frames her. So now she jumps around until he gets the wife alone in a room and then kills her.

So 2004. What was going on? DC’s last movie was a fuck up. It was 1997’s Steel.  Marvel is winning. They made the Spidermans, Blade, X-men, Hulk, and some other shit. So DC probably thought that they should double their efforts. There are seven writers attached to this movie. One woman wrote a few series episodes but nothing too big. One guy wrote The Core in 2003. Another four wrote The Game with Michael Douglas and The Net with Sandra Bullock and a bunch of other good movies. Another wrote a few shitty TV series. Then there is the last guy, Bob Kane, that wrote the characters for the Nolan Batman and tons of DC shows. He really fucked up here. Catwoman was not the same Catwoman of the Batman franchise. She was not Selina Kyle and she was not in Gotham and not a cat-burglar. This was written to have nothing to do with the actual DC universe but retained the name Catwoman to attack some audience.

The Director was Pitof. His only other movie before this was Vidocq. A successful French sci-fi movie. He wouldn’t make another feature film after this movie. He seems to be known for visual effects. He worked on Alien 4 and a few other middle of the road movies.

Halle Berry was in Monster’s ball in 2001 and won all the awards. The she was in a James Bond movie as eye-candy. Then Gothika in 2003. Probably as eye-candy as well. Prior to these she was in good-ish movies with good-ish roles and she did well. How the hell did she manage to find this shit movie? Its not like she needed the money or had no other offers. She can be awesome if there’s a good director.

Sharon Stone wasn’t running out of work either. Her movies before this weren’t total shit-shows but they weren’t major hits either. Maybe this was a vanity project where she gets to show off her looks instead of working hard at her acting skill? Maybe she thought that only her looks can get her good movie reviews.

Benjamin Bratt was in a ton of good movies as ‘some third guy in charge that doesn’t really matter who the fuck he really is’. This movie got him closer to being a lead character. Too bad Ben.

It costs $100m to make this movie and it made about $82m back. That sounds ok but its still about $20m down the tubes and that doesn’t even account for the cost to market the movie to people. People always blame studio meddling when it comes to failed movies. No one really knows what could have been. Apparently this was tested with a small audience bore release and was so bad that it had to have reshoots. Maybe the studio knew its bad but wanted to at least be good enough to recover some of the $100m. Maybe the original cut would only have made $10m instead of $82?

Bad cast choice. Bad acting. Not an actual Catwoman movie. Bad, really bad CGI. Stupid story. Really obvious continuity mistakes. Bad dialogue. Bad photography. Fuck. Just don’t watch this shit OK?

Steel

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The movie’s name is Steel. The main guy is Irons. The sidekick is Sparks. But none of this matters because Shaq is a likable guy. Even the bad guys like having him around.

This movie is about a guy that makes weapons and doesn’t like what the buyers of the weapons intend to do with the weapons. He quits, he makes his own weapons in a junkyard, he finds out the buyers are bad guys, he stops the bad guys with his magic weapons. The only thing that could make this movie more 90’s period-correct is if they were fighting to protect demolishing a ‘rec’ centre.

So its 1997. This movie is forgettable as ever. Why was it made? Its a superhero movie in the DC universe. A bunch of Supermans were made, some Batmans. Both were moderately successful. Marvel was pumping out junk like Punisher, Fantastic Four, Captain America and all were turds. This was less of a shit-show than the 1997 Batman and Robin. The one with the bat nipples and butt-shots but it actually got a lower IMDB score. Cruel.

I think the only memorable parts of the movie were the flimsy rubber costume that Shaq had to wear. It was supposed to be a steel plated armored suit but ended up folding and deforming like rubber or foam every time he moved his face.

The Director is Kenneth Johnson and he’s written and directed a bunch of TV stuff like Alienation and V. At least he tried to make a feature film. He went back to TV after this. Someone learns a lesson.

Shaq is likeable and made Kazaam in 1996 which was just as bad as this movie. Maybe they thought they would try again to make a professional bouncing baller cross over into movies. In later movies, Shaq plays Shaq. Another person learns their lesson. According to IMDB trivia, Shaq was still a ball player during this movie. Maybe he didn’t give a fuck? But who in their right mind would be pissed off at Shaq.

It made about $2m or $3m but the budget to make it was about $16m. All that DC and Warner money being flushed. They don’t learn their lesson. Their next movie would be Catwoman and would be the worst movie ever made on Earth.

Watch it. Because it has Shaq.

Gigli

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This movie was so bad, I almost broke my TV.

It costs $54m to make this movie and all it could bring in was $6m. This Director stopped making movies. The two leads that were in a relationship off-screen even broke up.

This 2003 movie is about a gangster that steals a special-needs kid. I don’t know if it was for ransom because he doesn’t get a payout in the end. During this theft, he meets another gangster, a woman, and they team up to complete the task. The rest of the movie is about silly situations that ensue where they need to act like they know the kids very well and they act like a couple.

You never get the impression that they are bad people and have done bad things. They don’t do any bad things during their time in the movie. The dialogue is also extremely annoying and unnatural. One person says or asks something. Second person responds vaguely with one word. First person tries again and get the same result. First person goes into a five minute soliloquy that looks like they prepared the speech months ago and it wasn’t directed at the second person.

So this movie was terrible. The story is supposed to be about a thug with a heart of gold. But you don’t see him being a thug and you don’t see him doing good things either. The cast don’t seem to have a good chemistry. You never see them slowly warming up to each other. Its cold, cold, cold, cold, cold, hot. For no reason.

The cast is bad and the story is shit. Why was it made? Martin Brest was the Director and everything he made before this was amazing and a critical success. Meet Joe Black, Beverly Hills Cop1, Scent of a Woman. He gets Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez were successful in their movie and music career and were already in a relationship with each other. Surely the on-screen chemistry would have been a non-issue? The guys paying for everything looks like Revolution Studios who seems to have money from Sony and Fox. They get Martin to quickly hack his script about thugs to be more about thugs that are romantic with each other. Martin doesn’t like the idea but he does it anyway. Money money money. So its Martin’s fault.

Should you watch this shit? Its two hours long and you don’t like anyone or anything about this movie. But who am I kidding? You read this entire review when you could have said “duh” and closed the window.

Glitter

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This movie is so bad it gave me cancer.

Glitter was made in 2001. This was the historical year where no one cares about anything. It’s a vanity project for Mariah Carey where she details her rags to riches story. Her mother is a singer of a shitty bar and then she sings a bit and likes singing and then gets discovered because she was a background singer thats better than the lead singer. A guy that looks like a discount Mark Wahlberg says he buys her out of her contract and becomes her manager. They show all the trivial details of how business people treat her like a business asset and not like a person. Didn’t anyone tell her that this is how the industry works? Why is she surprised by all of this? It ends with her singing at a big concert and before she sings, she finds out that her boyfriend, discount Wahlberg, died. She is a bit sad and carries on to sing. It ends with her going to find her mother and they hug and cry.

Her name in the movie wasn’t Mariah. It was Frankie or something like that. Why? Was it because she knew she’s taking liberties with her own history? She can now add in more fake scenarios that will make the audience more sympathetic to her unrealistic story. Pandering and filled with clichés should be the description.

She also was in charge of music of the movie. This was a terrible decision. She manufactures scenarios so that she can play she own music as the sound track of the movie. This makes the scenes not logically fit into each other. Some scenes makes sense but the music doesn’t fit. Then there are other problems with really bad dubbing where it is very obvious that a person’s mouth doesn’t match the voices that you hear. Then its all set in New York but its always quiet. You don’t hear the cars or trains or people shouting in the background.

The cinematography was the worst we’ve seen in a long time. Every scene lasts about five minutes and its repetitive to the point where we saw the formula about 30 minutes into the movie. Each scene starts with an aerial shot of New York. It lasts about 5 seconds. Then its footage of the busy traffic and the taxis driving by the location. Then a side character says a line or two. Then Mariah can talk or react for the next four or so minutes. Repeat until its over.

So this movie is terrible. Why was it made? Vanity project? Yeah, maybe. But it costs $22m to make it. Who knows how it was marketed? Mariah didn’t pay for it. Someone else did. Fox. Maybe Fox thought that they could take a successful singer and make a buck on a cross over. Mariah had a mental breakdown in during this movie and regrets making it. Thats how bad it was. She started working on this movie since 1997. Five fucking years go by and all they can show for it was $5m in revenue.

Should you watch this movie? Only if you want to ogle Mariah’s body while watching it on mute.