Life of ninja

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Oh look, a kung fu movie during Foreign movie February. How original. Fuck you.

This gem was made in 1983 in Hong Kong.

There are these sisters. They inherit their father’s money and a husband of one of them is managing it. He seems to know what he is doing and the wife is drunk 100% of the time. But they want to kill all the people that work for him. For some reason.

One of the sisters is a ninja. But she hires other ninjas to kill the employees.

Some memorable moments:

  • Ninja sister wears a sexy pair of leather pants. Oh, she fucks up a few people easy.
  • Sexy mud wrestling is part of the intro sequence.
  • 1000 wire fight scenes were good (reason for making this movie. probably.)
  • There are flash ninjas. These are girls with big tits that flash the enemy to distract them. Obviously there are no male flashers allowed. That would make the movie ridiculous.

Watch it.

 

Intensive care

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We’re watching foreign movies in February. So no English and lots of reading. The first one is Intensive Care.

In 1991, USA actor George Kennedy, the fat old guy in naked gun, went to The Netherlands for a holiday. So naturally some people saw him, they then made a horror movie in the weekend that he was there.

The plot is pretty simple. This doctor (George) thinks he is good at brain surgery, some shit happens and he dies. He is in a coma for a while and then when he wakes up, he’s a zombie. One that breathes like a banshee. He then goes around the town killing everyone for some reason.

Its a slow movie. Lots of walking, stalking, walking, loud breathing, more walking, some talking, then some more walking.

Here’s what I remember:

  • Main actor is quite rapey. The girls does however, send mixed signals all the bloody time.
  • Girl drills the eyeball of George.
  • They film a kid connect a wall plug for a few minutes.
  • The main dude looked like his head was hacked off, but the girl gives im a band aid and he is fine.

I say watch this.

Carnosaur

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Remember in 1993, when jurassic park came out? This was made in a few days after that. And it happens to star the mother of the main actress of Jurassic park.

There are many similarities between the two movies, there is a dinosaur and there are people.

There are a few differences. I’ll only say where Carnosaur deviated from the Jurassic formula:

  • The story is completely fucking retarded. A doctor wants to kill humans so she makes chicken eggs that will make women pregnant with dinosaur babies.
  • The people are fucking retarded. They walk around a slaughter house even when they see human limbs around.
  • The effects are fucking retarded. The dinosaur changes scale in shots.

I don’t have a list memorable moments because I forgot most of it. I would gladly watch it again though. Because I was entertained. And this is what makes a good bad movie. Its entertaining despite being retarded.

Bloodhook

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There’s a guy in a small town killing everyone for some reason and some tourists find him and kill him. That’s it. Thank you.

Ok, so why was this movie made? Probably because there was a fishing convention in 1986 in some town. There is a giant muskie fish statue in some park and this was probably the reason someone thought it would be a good backdrop for a slasher film.

So there’s these five tourists, they go to this town. It happens to be during a fishing convention but none of them say that this is the reason they are going here. It’s coincidence. One of the guys in the group then realises that this is the very town that his grandfather died 17 years ago. I dont know, if i saw someone die, I would remember that area quite well.  The grandfather was playing some music during his fishing pass-time and this triggered the killer, a war veteran, to kill to stop the music. The same thing happens now, someone plays music, vet kills them. It might have happened for the past 17 years too. But that’s never mentioned. They never caught the killer since then. Probably because the cop is an idiot.

Some memorable moments:

  • Another tourist family has an annoying mother that says “hoo hoo hoooo, hoo hoo hoooo” every time she is excited. She dies.
  • Same family has an annoying son that steals and acts like an idiot. He dies.
  • There is a slut in the town that bang everyone and leaves her toddler son alone in the woods for bears to eat. She dies.
  • Main group has a friend that acts like a war vet even though he is way too young. He is like the ‘gyet offa mah praperty!” guy from the powerpuff girls. He also walks around with a automatic rifle that made of wood. For some reason.
  • War vet stores the bodies under water and they all look like Michael Jackson with thriller make up.
  • There is a lift on a rail that seems to take 17 years to go from one end to the other. About 50m distance and 10m of height.
  • Main guy of the main group is a coward. He has a clear shot to the vet and doesnt take it. Even thought the vet killed all his friends.
  • Someone won a fishing competition buy putting a metal pipe inside the fish.
  • Every death scene looks like the victim is grabs the fishing hook and rubs it around their bodies and tomato sauce gets spread.

If you like b-movies, watch it.

Alienator

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This movie was made because Airwolf was available to act in it. For five minutes of screen time.

There is a space ship that looks like a refinery, and an alien (that looks human) escapes, and it lands on earth, and stuff happens, and the earthlings kill it.

Memorable moments:

  • There are two hillbillies that act like Elmer Fudd.
  • The space secretary has holes cut out her top where her breasts are and then it shows her bra. You know, in the future, all space people dress like this.
  • Jan michael vincent (airwolf), phones it in. Three minutes of screen time at the start, one minute in the middle and one at the end.
  • There is a creep guy that tries to bang all the girls.
  • Alienator is a chick with many muscles and bad S&M leathers. She has coffee grinders for a bra.
  • There is a lightsabre fight.
  • Terrible props. The Alienator gun is a bicycle pump thing or jack.
  • Terrible dun dun dun dun ambient sound track.

There are a ton of WTF moments and this makes the movie fucking awesome. Watch it.

Hawkeye

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The guy on the left is Officer Alex Hawkamoto. His friends call him Hawk. Or Hawkeye. Or Hawkey. The guy on the right is not Eddie Murphey.

The premise is that there is a drug deal that goes bad and then Hawkeye kills everyone. We think this movie was made because they had some karate experts. (oh, we’re going to do this now, figure out why this movie was made.)

Memorable moments:

  • Henchman is pissed off at his haircut & fucks everyone up.
  • There is a mucleman russian that only understands Japanese and is always shirtless like Randy from Trailer Park Boys.
  • Michael Michaelson (Troy Donahue) acts in this.
  • I think the title credits said Leo Fong directed this. He made Low Blow, another classic.
  • Hawkeye is from Texas and is not an asian stereotype
  • The Not Eddie Murphey guy is an Eddie Murphey impersonator. He also made his own movies and a fitness video called Combatitude.
  • Teacher randomly hits on Hawk. Just like in Samurai Cop
  • Hawk like to spin, drop to the ground, pull out a gun and shoot a bad guy accurately.
  • Read-out exposition by Not Vladimir Putin in the karate scene.

This movie does have some boring moments but its still worth watching.

So watch it.

Gymkata

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What would you do if you had a gymnast for the week? Make a terrible b-movie obviously!

We watched Gymkata last week.

Gymkata is a about a gymnast that looks for his father that has been kidnapped by a gang in Serbia. As soon as he finds his father, the gang kills the father and then gymkata kills everyone in sight. To get to the father, he has to perform some test. Obviously with these movies, if you fail the test, you die.

Apparently, Gymkata guy invented a style of fighting called gymkata that combines gymnastics and karate.

Memorable moments:

  • There is a guy with a face mask on the back of his head and he wears clothes backwards to fool the opposition. He fails.
  • Everyone is wearing some iron-age period clothes except some russian guys wearing what russian guys wear. Track pants and track jacket. He failed.
  • The leader of the gang wore a hospital patient gown with the back cut out so his ass shows. He failed.
  • People make “haai – YA!” noises when they fight.
  • The bad guys are dressed like ISIS.
  • The bad guys place random henchmen around with flags to point victims to no-go areas. probably because its hard to clean dead bodies there. Or maybe they grow potatoes there. Or whatever. (I’m trying hard not to say “for some reason”)
  • There is a salt mine. In a warehouse.
  • There is a sexy girl. She was a playboy model once. You can even find nudes online.
  • The Serbian town that housed the gang looked like a mental asylum. Everyone looked like they had 10% more chromosomes.
  • The rules of the challenge was something out of a Drew Carey show “hey welcome to gymkata, where everyone is a bad guy and the rules dont matter”

This is a Class-A b-movie. Its a movie that plays it straight and takes itself very seriously and fails spectacularly. Watch it.

Do or die

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We’re still making our way through the andy sidaris 14 movie collection. Guns girls and gstrings. Andy is such a bro.

Again, we have the sexy dona spier and few repeat actors. Same stock andy footage of the planes, jeeps, warehouse, restaurant.

The plot is this: mr miyagi meets these two girls and could them right there with his henchmen, but he lets them go and tells them that he is sending 6 teams of two people to kill them. They all fail. Mainly because poncho from chips99 is here to save the girls.

Oh and mr miyagi loves have his tranny slave give him massages all the time.

The only memorable moment is when the tranny is massaging miyagi, she says “you know the human body has 200 bones. Lets make it 201.” Then he says “lets change that”.

What the fuck?

Im pretty sure we’re past half way with the collection.

Megaforce

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Boring.

Thats the only word to describe this celebration of campy homosexuality.

So… we kick off 2016 with barry bostwick, the mayor in spin city, who is the leader of team megaforce. A super secret army in a desert that fights not so very bad villains. We thought that the only reason yhis movie was made was to sell toys. Their cars/trucks/bikes had a white/ orange /black design which means that they actually had a budget for this movie.  Too bad that they didnt spend it on scriptwriters. After 20 minutes, it felt like an hour past by. There were many moments where we felt like turning it off.

Memorable moments:

  • Everyone had a spandex jumpsuit that was waaay too tight
  • Sexy persis khabatta was sexy but didnt show off her tits (we watch too many bad movies, and we expect this because we’re idiots)
  • To shoot helicopters,  the bike has to do a wheelie and then fire a rocket from the front where the bike light is located.
  • To avoid something (dont remember and dont care) they had to abandon all of their bikes,  about 30, and put them into self destruct mode. This is the most expensive army ever. 800 dollar toilet anyone?
  • They have a mobile fuel station bivouac for a single mission.
  • We couldnt tell if the bad guy is a friend or an enemy of bostwick’s character
  • Every soldier has their flag sewed into their spandex. We dont know if this was to unite the army or do the opposite.

This movie sucked. Watch it and hate it too.

 

End of 2015 summary

We started watching bad movies some time on March or April 2015. It started with Birdemic and what a start. We didnt think we could get any worse. Oh how wrong we were.

49 Movies later. Our picks for top 5:

  1. Double down
  2. Birdemic
  3. Miami connection
  4. The room
  5. Troll2

Honestly its actually Double Down by far as #1 and then then next four can share second place as they’re equally awesome.

So, Neil Breen, you’re awesome.

Double-Down-Breen

The only way to blast through these movies was to watch two in one night. Its not too difficult as they are usually exactly 90 minutes. Start at 8pm, end at 11pm.

We’ve added so much more to the list of movies to watch. So 2016 is going to be packed.

Here’s what we’ve watched in 2015.

  1. Birdemic
  2. Starcrash
  3. The room
  4. Battlefield Earth
  5. Escape from New York (Too good of a movie)
  6. Kung Fury (Self aware)
  7. Howard the Duck (30 min, boring)
  8. Poultrygeist (Self aware)
  9. The black gestapo (30 min, boring)
  10. The black hole
  11. Wing commander (30 min, boring)
  12. Raiders of the lost shark (Self aware)
  13. Batman (the Adam West one)
  14. Mega shark vs giant octopus (Self aware)
  15. Robot Jox
  16. Condorman
  17. Deadly Prey
  18. Miami Connection
  19. Hard ticket to hawaii
  20. Zardoz
  21. Hands of steel
  22. Sinbad of the seven seas
  23. ROTOR
  24. Picasso trigger
  25. Terror in beverly hills
  26. Samurai cop
  27. Troll2
  28. Malibu express
  29. Low blow
  30. Guns (30 min, it was getting late)
  31. Back to the future (it was 15 Oct 2015, its not a bad movie by any means)
  32. Halloween (It was halloween, didnt have a b-movie feel)
  33. Friday the 13th (It was halloween, had a bit of a b-movie feel)
  34. Waxworks
  35. Frankenhooker
  36. Mystics in bali
  37. Space Mutiny
  38. Robowar
  39. Shakma
  40. Total Force
  41. Aerobicide
  42. Hollywood cop
  43. Exterminator 2
  44. Future war
  45. Double Down
  46. I am here….now
  47. Yor, the hunter from the future
  48. Savage beach
  49. Return to savage beach

Just a handful were added because we thought they might be bad due to their cheesy goodness. But they’ve aged quite well.

A few weeks into the mission and we realised that we needed a cut off time to decide if the movie was worth continuing. This was 30 minutes. Plenty of time to decide. We have killed two or three more within 10 minutes and they have been left off the list. The Tomb was one of them.

The greatest sin is to be boring.