Aerobicide

20151203_065650

This movie is also known as “Killer Workout”. Who gives their move two names? You couldn’t decide so you publish is as “Aerobicide also known as Killer Workout”. This smells a lot like there was a 50/50 ownership of this movie and not 49.9/50.1.

Anyways. This movie is awesome, its got the Deadly Prey guys and I think Danton (the main Deadly Prey guy, or also known as Deadly Prey) is the writer and director. The other actors we recognised are ‘sunglasses guy’, he’s the guy that that shoots all of his henchmen, and the captain guy, he’s the guy with the granades on the table.

Back to Aerobicie. Here’s what we saw… There is a gym that has sexy ladies doing sexy workouts to sexy 80’s music. There work out mainly consists of jumping on the spot so that their tits bounce, and bending over to show their ass and panties to any passersby. Now, in this gym, there is a killer, that kills using a big safety pin. So we wondered why a safety pin? Not a usual gun, or machete, or shiv, or dumbell. The only reason is that they wanted some other exotic prop, but this was filmed in a weekend and the real prop would arrive 3 days later. Who knows. So in the end, the lead actress smiles and shows the safety pin as if she’s the killer (oh, spoilers). But in the middle of the movie, she was arrested and in the back of a cop car when another murder in the gym, with a safety pin, took place. So then who done it? we’ll never know.

Memorable moments:

  • lead actress is burnt by a tanning bed, (more like tanning George Foreman Grill, amirite?) but, despite being in a full body bed, her face is not burnt. WTF
  • Deadly prey is in the same street corner carrying the same two garbage bags
  • creepy gym guy was creepy
  • either no man had a penis, or, for some reason, they all had tranny tuck jobs, so that they looked like they were wearing women’s pants/shorts.
  • a girl breaks into the men’s changing room to sniff a guys jockstrap
  • there is a locker with a rubber hand that pops out when you open it. and despite looking like every other locker, everyone always opens up this booby trapped locker.
  • the killer kills a girl in the shower, then goes through the effort of stuffing the body into a locker.
  • at one point we thought that it would be wise if the coroner left a pile of body bags at the gym because
  • many people were dying on a regular basis, but the gym must go on

Watch this movie. Its awesome. it get a 4.8 on IMDB. (I dont know why i post IMDB ratings, they do not inform my decision in any way.)

Total Force

totalforce

Stallone acts in this turd. Frank Stallone. Geez, how many Stallones do you know?

We found this movie on youtube and the title was “Total Force, Stock footage abuse”. And this was a good tip. This movie basically was like watching CNN or BBC with random cuts of exposition. It was hard to watch. I felt sick after a few minutes and then turned away from the TV. I’d rather listen to the movie than actually watch it. The audio cuts still made me sick and we turned it off after about 30 mins.

So what is Total Force? I’m not entirely sure because i couldn’t watch it to the end. Its a war movie because there were fighter jets at the start, and then a crack squad of goons, one of them will be Stallone, will go into the danger zone and rescue someone. I’m sure this is what happens. All of these b movies are like this.

In that first few minutes, there were a few people dressed in some military uniform, that were looking at a screen and doing exposition. On screen, wasn’t footage from the perspective of a soldier or pilot, it was really stock footage, and you would think that the military would send out 2 fighters and then a 10 men crew to film everything. In different aspect ratios and filters. For some reason.

This got a 3.2 on imdb. It should have been a 0. I suggest that you watch it. Not because its good, but to see if you could make it further than me.

Shakma

20151203_065619

What would you do if you had a baboon for the weekend? Obvious! Make a horror b movie.

Shakma is a cute little baboon and is sometimes interchangeable with a stuffed toy. He had some brain surgery in this building and then escaped his cage and now wants to kill everyone in sight. For some reason.

Every death scene works like this: 1)shakma runs at the camera and jumps.  2) cut camera to victim and the stuffed toy is thrown at their face. 3) cut to same victim on the ground,  dead,  throat slit. I think there were 6 people in the building playing some game and they all died except one guy.  Of course only one guy will survive.

These people were playing some game over walkie talkies in this building.  They had to go to some room, find a clue,  radio the clue in, the game master will then radio them back an instruction to go to another room. Why?  What is the end objective?  What enjoyment is there to just following the game masters pre-determined path? Who fucking knows?

The most memorable part of the movie is the use of the word “over”. They use it at the end of their sentence on the radio.  I get it, you need to signal that your done talking. But this movie hammers down that point that they are following protocol very diligently. They must have said “over” about a thousand times.

Shakma got 5.2 on imdb. Because he is so fucking cute.

Zardoz

zardozSean-Connery-in-a-wedding-dress-on-the-set-of-Zardoz

That’s Sean Connery in a wedding dress. Your argument is invalid.

We watched Zardoz a while back. Its insane and i dont remember the plot very clearly. But from what i saw, i think sean connery was a killer of something and then joins some immortal people to be less of a killer or something.

But what i can say is that we enjoyed watching it. Even if it made no sense.

Robot Jox

robot jox

This cowboy said “I’ll see you in hell” & then gives us a thumb-up. Ok then.

Robot Jox is not a terrible movie. A b-movie will try their best to play it straight & then fail. They dont fail. I think its just a very very cheaply made movie. Imagine the robots from pacific rim but made with the budget of about 100 bucks.

So, this movie is set in the future. And war is banned in the future. So nations battle it out “trial by combat” style using these things. The lead actor, at the start, tried to stop a missile fist going into the crowd and killing tens of people. He jumped in front of the fist and flew back into the crowd to end up killing hundreds of people. Smart move asshole. Now the Jox company, or whatever, has to find a new pilot. They have a jungle gym for kids in a room and they sprayed it silver because in the future, everything is silver. The gym scaffold pipes are booby-trapped. A toddler could pass it if you just observe for a few minutes how other people are failing.

The rest of the movie was slow and boring. The budget was in the robots & the rest of the movie was padding to get to the start and end fights. It got a 5.3 on imdb.

ROBOWAR

robowar4

Ever wondered what would happen when you mix robocop with predator? This movie attempts to answer exactly that.

So Robowar is basically a dude in a motorcross biker suit and he is in the Philippines where the BAM (big ass motherfuckers) are hunting him down. There are long scenes where nothing happens to pad the movie from 40 mins to 90 minutes.

ROBOWAR always says some garbage and then ends it with “greasy”.  Like “bididbidieidpeodpe greeasy”. For some reason.

Some other army was chasing some other group through the woods and killed everyone but the only girl. This girl joins the BAM and they give her a gun. For some reason because they don’t even know if she knows how to use a gun of what she was doing in the woods.

The lead actor here was the very same pilot in Space Mutiny. We didn’t plan to watch these two movies on the same night. But hey, strange things happen on stupid movie night.

This movie scored 4 on IMDB. I think all the reviewers were quite generous.

Space mutiny

20151120_120816

Where did Cameron Mitchell buy that Santa beard?

Ok try to keep up. Space mutiny is 90 minutes of sci-fi. That uses stock footage of the 70s Battlestar Galactica in another story where an officer of this ship tries to take over. I didnt pay attention as to why he wanted to take over. The current captain is Cameron Mitchell who then hands over the captain title to some fighter pilot just because his “daughter” had the hots for the pilot. I used quotes for daughter because that actress seemed to be Cameron Mitchell’s age and waaay older than the pilot.

There was a chase scene where they re-bodied some golf carts with what looked like card board. You can see how flimsy it is as they took their 3 kph corners. Mind you, all corners were right turns. Because this movie was shot in some refinery or something.

Oh, and they killed some lady and in the very next shot, she was at her desk doing her work. This gem got 2 out of 10 on imdb. I could delete that shot and instantly make this go from 2 to 3.

If you like bad movies, watch this turd.

R.O.T.O.R.

20151108_112924

This movie was made after robocop. Probably about 2 minutes after it.

Rotor is a robot cop that goes around killing all the bad guys. Plot sounds familiar?

Cheap props, bad dialogue, incoherent screenplay, non existent plot. Whats not to love.

But like samurai cop,  this movie is popular with the b movie crowd, but i didnt think it was that great. No big what the fuck moment. Just many small ones.

Hands of steel

20151108_112053

What would you do if you had a camera and the first terminator movie just came out? Make a bad knock off obviously.

I dont know why anyone was doing anything in this movie. We do know that the main guy, hands of steel, was named paco qufjoxjwjfif, or something, had hands made out of steel. Like terminator.  And some of the bad guys were all metal.

He sweats a lot, drives a lot and saves a girl. There was a arm wrestle scene i think. Or am i thinking of R.O.T.O.R.? More on that in another post.

Samurai cop

20151108_110454

This is a popular b movie. But i dont think its the best as many other b fans think. Its got tons of silly scenes but no big wtf scene.

Most of the wtfs are because of incoherent screen play. I think the director made an initial cut, then added scenes, then cut and added again. This might explain why the main actor, samurai cop, clearly wears a wig in some scenes. Theres even scenes where it wasnt cut where you would think it should have been cut. Like when the sidekick kisses the cop boss. The boss shouts at him and then laughs. The laughing made no sense.

Also the main guy uses a sword a few times but thats not a good reason to call him a samurai.

Then robert z’dar acts in it. Best bad guy in a b movie ever. I wonder if there is a movie with robert zdar and cameron mitchell. Oh wait. Terror in beverly hills has them and it delivers. Close the fucking doors.

Anyways. The best scene, apart from all the girls literally saying “wanna fuck?”, is when the sidekick cop goes under a wall instead of climbing over it. Samurai asks him “why did you go under it?”. He replies with “cos im an undercover cop”.

I cant remeber the premise. All i can say it that the good guys win at the end.

Another b movie trait is when you watch it and you keep saying “WHAT?”. So remember that next time you’re watching a movie.