Hands of steel

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What would you do if you had a camera and the first terminator movie just came out? Make a bad knock off obviously.

I dont know why anyone was doing anything in this movie. We do know that the main guy, hands of steel, was named paco qufjoxjwjfif, or something, had hands made out of steel. Like terminator.  And some of the bad guys were all metal.

He sweats a lot, drives a lot and saves a girl. There was a arm wrestle scene i think. Or am i thinking of R.O.T.O.R.? More on that in another post.

Samurai cop

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This is a popular b movie. But i dont think its the best as many other b fans think. Its got tons of silly scenes but no big wtf scene.

Most of the wtfs are because of incoherent screen play. I think the director made an initial cut, then added scenes, then cut and added again. This might explain why the main actor, samurai cop, clearly wears a wig in some scenes. Theres even scenes where it wasnt cut where you would think it should have been cut. Like when the sidekick kisses the cop boss. The boss shouts at him and then laughs. The laughing made no sense.

Also the main guy uses a sword a few times but thats not a good reason to call him a samurai.

Then robert z’dar acts in it. Best bad guy in a b movie ever. I wonder if there is a movie with robert zdar and cameron mitchell. Oh wait. Terror in beverly hills has them and it delivers. Close the fucking doors.

Anyways. The best scene, apart from all the girls literally saying “wanna fuck?”, is when the sidekick cop goes under a wall instead of climbing over it. Samurai asks him “why did you go under it?”. He replies with “cos im an undercover cop”.

I cant remeber the premise. All i can say it that the good guys win at the end.

Another b movie trait is when you watch it and you keep saying “WHAT?”. So remember that next time you’re watching a movie.

Low blow

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What do you think of when you hear the name cameron mitchell? Yes, drunk on set.

This guy looked so drunk, he couldn’t talk or stand up. He was quiet and on a chair the whole movie. Wearing sunglasses and a cape. When he slept, he wore the head piece of the cape.

So this movie starts with leo fong shooting at some bad guys that were robbing a restaurant. He doesnt hang around for the cops, he just says “keep the sandwich” and walks out. He also seems to live at a dump.

Michael michaelson also stars in this gem. He is the father of a girl that was kidnapped by cameron mitchells cult. But this cult just did gardening and brainwashing to do more gardening. We need more of these cults really.

Michaelson hires low blow to get the daughter.  He does, because plot.

I wish cameron mitchell wasnt so drunk. We would have had a good speech before he shoots someone.

Troll 2

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Here’s another stinker that hits high scores on shit lists.

I hear that this movie was made to capitalise on the success of troll 1. Its not a sequel or related in anyways. I think it was originally titled GOBLINS.

So these goblins kidnap you, feed you and then eat you. They never have movement in the faces. Because it was a cheap rubber mask.

Noteable moments:

  • sister does a funny dance
  • Kid pees on the food to prevent family from eating poisonous food
  • Father tightens belt to “stop the hunger pains”
  • Two dudes like to play with each other on the bed of a mobile home.
  • One dude makes the famous “oh my god!” Cry

Watch it. Dont watch it. Whatever.

Hard ticket to hawaii

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What do you do if you win an award for good directing of sports events? You start making movies obviously. This is how andy sidaris got his start. And then rather than writing a story and casting the movie. You find a cast and then figure out what you can shoot in one take with the props and locations that surround you right now.

Can you see where this is headed. We watch a few of his movies. Hard ticket to hawaii,  guns and Picasso trigger. And here’s whats common:

  • Same actresses.  Playboy models.
  • Exposition is always in a bathtub with these washing their filthy boobs.
  • If theres an old junker car, it will explode.
  • Theres the same restaurant where the bad guy hangs out.
  • Theres a cross dressing clerk at the restaurant.
  • A motorcycle will break a dry wall.
  • Theres radio controlled cars or helicopters
  • Theres a helicopter scene
  • Theres a light aircraft scene
  • The girls wear sexy khakis and gogo boots
  • Theres a red jeep wrangler.
  • Henchmen are a big hawaiian and a dude with a ponytail.

Andy made 14 of these “movies” and we need to watch them all. Because boobs right?

The room

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What more can be said about this gem. The only competing movie for all time b movie junk is birdemic. They try their best to make a straight movie and then fail spectacularly.

Never watch this alone either.

So the main guy johnny is having relationship trouble with his slut girlfriend.  But who cares. Here’s some character traits:

  • Johnny laughs at anything. And he starts every sentence with “oh hi”
  • Denny is a friend or something that wants to bang johnnys girl. And then tell johnny this. Fuck.
  • The girl bang johnnys best friend mark
  • Mark is banging his friends girl
  • The mother has cancer and no one gives a shit

So watch it. Make a drinking game out of it too. Everytime they throw a ball around, take a shot.

 

Deadly prey

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The most awesome movie ever. Danton is Deadly prey and he fucks everyone up cos he is badass.

The bad guys are training for something. And the way they train is by kidnapping random people from a town nearby. The boss of the bad guys also kill his own men. Usually the boss will kill one guy to make an example to prevent disobedience. This idiot kills like half his men. Danton could just wait it out and be victorious.

Cameron mitchell is in here. And he is a gem. He asked a guy “are you a friend or foe?” The bad guy says he is a friend. And cameron kills him anyways. Then he gives the robot actor michael michaelson a long speech about the meek fucking up the rich who sit in their penthouses. I dont remember. But its gold.

The best reason to watch this is for the end. Danton breaks off a bad guy’s arm and then beats the bad guy with that arm.

Theres also a 2013 deadliest prey movie. We need to watch it. Its supposed to be a b movie too.

Mystics of bali

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There’s this American journalist that wants to know more about black magic. So she becomes a witch. Obviously.

Her teacher is that aunty in the picture with the most annoying fucking witch cackle ever. Always with the laughing. No fucking reason.

You can see the strings where the props “float” and when the american loses her head to float around, her guts and organs are still attached. Its not a simple floaty head.

Then more laughing. Fuck this shit.

Terror in Beverly Hills

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CLOSE THE FUCKING DOOR

Cameron mitchell is drunk and wants the doors closed. Hackstone is the main guy that appears for a few minutes on screen. He wears a rope that he never uses. For some reason an amazing collection of trophies is always on display. Cameron mitchell points a lot when he talks. He says “bring your crystal ball! Both of them!”, for some reason. 

Here’s the IMDB

Miami connection

Drug dealing ninja biker gang vs international taikwando orphan rock band.

In Orlando and not in Miami.

Greatest soundtrack ever. “You must look after your health.”  “I thought we were all orpans[sic].”

Even if it was given to a good director, it still wouldn’t make any sense. But you feel good after watching it. Because the good guys win at the end.

Here’s the IMDB