Robocop 3

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You know its O.C.P. Yeah you know me!

Some people are about to get evicted from a place. We aren’t told if its a legal or illegal eviction. Robocop, for no reason, wants to protect the residents against his makers. There’s a fight. It ends.

It was so boring, I don’t remember anything else.

Baby Brown

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This movie is so stupid, no one wrote their real names down on the credits.

1990 was a great year in South Africa. The average guy in the street had access to affordable video cameras and Casio keyboards. We were hard at work mocking our favourite South African accents and trying to figure out the filming locations and how far away we lived from them.

The plot is about a thug that sells drugs. His girlfriend escapes the compound and goes into a witness protection programme. I think the girlfriend was an undercover cop. The main cops are these to women that get drunk for no reason on some day. The do a bit of acting and then they end with an awesome shootout in the middle of some bush.

The best part of the movie are the uzzis that shoot single shots and the revolvers that work like uzzis.

Fellow South Africans will enjoy: Honda Ballades, Mazda 323s, Hillbrow, a hardware store in Randburg, the highway bridge in Kempton Park and those accents.

This should be required viewed if you’re South African.

WATCH IT

Leonard part 6

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This movie is so bad that even Bill Cosby will tell you not to watch it.

It’s 1987 and Bill is busy like a bee. Cranking out movies every year, just finished the Fat Albert series. In the middle of season two of the Cosby show. So he thinks he can get away with anything. People love anything he makes because he made it. So he co-wrote this turd. And it failed so hard.

The story is about a retired spy. He is called back into action for no reason. The bad guy is this woman with a bunch of henchmen that wear wife-beaters. His wife left him and he tries to get back with her. His daughter is dating someone as old as him. Coke is the sponsor. Oh, and there were no parts 1 to 5. Thats a gag the guy at the start of the film says its top secret or lost or something.

There is one good scene where the bad lady summons her frogs to go under a cop car, and then bounce it into the river. I think the bad lady was using animals to take over the world.

The whole movie is awful. It’s a series of gags from scene to scene that are barely funnier than shit you find in an Adam Sandler movie. The movie is realistic in its own universe. The only thing that is at fault is the reason why the bad lady is bad and why Leonard is the only guy that can stop her. It’s not like those bad movies that rely on shock words or gross scenes or fart jokes. Its clean in that way. I think Bill was having withdrawal symptoms from writing scripts as a 6 year old when he did Fat Albert. The acting is OK given the material, the camera work is OK too. Its just the poor script.

If you’re 6, and you need to go play with your friends in 20 minutes, start watching this. Don’t finish it. Dont watch it if you’re older. Or maybe you’re as dumb as us and you would watch it anyways.

Solarbabies

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1986’s Solarbabies is so competent that we found nothing to hate about.

There are these kids that are slaves in some post-apocalyptic world. They find a magic orb. The powers they gain are: a deaf kid can hear again and it rained inside a room once. Great powers. Useful. Especially in a desert. Because… ah, fuck it.

Some guy see all of this and decides to steal the orb. They capture him but they remain friends. What? He’s the bad guy. Fuck it.

They escape their prison land and run away. I tried to stay awake at this point. What can I say? Maybe if they… fuck it, this movie is shit.

There is a part about some stupid sport that looks like Rollerball where is part roller¬† skates, part hockey and part, basket ball. The arena is a small ditch. The aim is to get the ball in the hoop. No extra rules needed. No reason for me to say ‘fuck it’.

Do not watch!

Ghost Dad

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Bill can’t get a break. All of his movies end up on ‘worst’ lists.

1990 was his creation directly after Leonard Part 6. He probably thought that three years was enough of a gap to get people to love him again. Nope. The same issue here. A shit script.

Bill is a single father of three children and he needs to do something at work otherwise he gets fired. He rushes to work and dies in a car crash. He comes back as a ghost with stupid physics, struggles to get to grip with the new reality and then succeeds because. Just because.

The only thing I remember was that the physics didn’t make sense in its own reality. Ghost Bill can walk through walls except when he can’t. He falls through floors but doesn’t reach the other side of the planet. He needs to use a taxi but sometimes flies. He can only be heard by his children except when everyone can hear him. They can only see him in the dark except when they can see him fine.

This is movie is for kids. But not any kid. If you have a stupid kid or a kid you want to become stupid, get them to watch this. Sure it will be entertaining to them but they will walk away with lower IQs.

For the love of pizza, DO NOT WATCH THIS.

 

Moonwalker

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In 1988, Michael Jackson released a movie that wasn’t a movie. This is when we should have known that he is a liar and a fraud.

Moonwalker is not a movie. It’s a montage of his songs that is put in such a sequence that a very loose story can be overlaid on it. Most of the song video will be replaced with new footage that fits a narrative. Hey this sounds like the birth of FAKE NEWS. Tremendous!

How do I even judge this as a movie? Does it have a plot? Maybe, Michael is a friend to children. Does it have characters? No. There are people but if there is no story to progress, they can be considered as props. The sound is all from an MJ cassette. The camera work in when the real song footage is on is great. The other times when there’s animation or stop motion clay is bad.

So why was this made? I think I know. In 1988, people had MJ cassettes and maybe vinyls. They heard him on radio too. They could only see him at a live concert, or the news, maybe a music show on TV. Nothing ‘on demand’. This is probably the reason they made some video content. Why did they pick this format and not just leave a bunch of music videos unedited? According to the trivia section of IMDB, MJ wanted this to be in cinemas and due to budget reasons, it went to video. So maybe he knew this from the start. He wanted something feature length, 90 minutes, and the audience weren’t going to pay money to watch 10 of his music videos. So he can trick the audience into watching music videos if they put new footage to make it look like a story and plot. He made the Thriller movie 5 year before this and its was a hit. He could do the same but with less effort and people would just buy it without thinking right?

This is not a movie. Do not watch. If you don’t care that its not a movie, do not watch it either. It’s bad.

Cool as Ice

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Cool as Ice is so bad that you can only watch it with a welding mask and ear plugs.

Where to begin? I want to understand this movie. Not just the content, but the context in which it was made. The core of plot was pretty simple. There is this motorcyclist that meets a girl, and she likes him other despite the fact that she comes from the better side of the railroad tracks. He father doesn’t approve and for no reason he is involved with some shady business that gets his son kidnapped and only Mr Ice can save him.

So the actual plot is worth about 10 minutes of footage. The rest is all filler. There is a 10 minute introduction music sequence. It’s there to introduce the top-billed actress Naomi Campell. We will see her zero times after this.

Then in the next scene Ice is on a motorcycle and sees a girl riding a horse next to the road. He miraculously jumps over a fence to meet her but this scares the horse and she is thrown off. Does he show remorse? Nope. Does he know that he wont be able to get to the other side of the fence now? Nope.  The scene ends.

His friend has some electrical problem with his cycle. So they find a mechanic that strips the bike down to individual components and then angle grinds the bike frame. Why? To show that they’re stupid? To show that Vanilla and his friends aren’t good judges of character? Nope. Its to waste 10 minutes with a montage.

A few scenes later the mechanic and his wife do a break dance for some reason. 5 minute filler. Another 10 minutes of romantic playfulness around a construction site.

The whole movie is like this. Random scenes put together to distract you from the fact that you’re watching a movie and should have actual movie things inside. Vanilla also always wears bright sunglasses to distract you from the fact that he looks deformed and that everything he says is stupid.

So thats the movie. Now, why was it made? In 1990 and Vanilla broke a record of making a CD that was the fastest selling hip-hop CD in history. One of his songs also stayed as a number-1 song in some famous chart for four months. Did people like his music for its essence? Or did they buy and listen because he was a novelty? Either way, there’s our smoking gun. He is famous and some guy in a suit in Hollywood wanted to make a few bucks riding on his fame. The production company was Alive Films that list a few not-very-famous movies prior to this. I’m sure they had mild success. They probably thought that this was going to be their big cash grab. They pumped $6 million into producing this junk. $1 million was for Vanilla. Who knows how much was pumped into marketing. It made about $1 million in sales. I can’t see any movies listed by them after 1991. So this movie probably killed them. I suppose it serves them right. They thought the audience are a bunch of idiots. If they paid money for his CD, and it was crap, they would pay movie for his movie. Who cares about making a good movie?

If you can’t stand cringe, don’t watch this. This is not your typical b-movie. It’s a c-movie. Hey, I’m coining that!

Pass Thru

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Oh Neil.

Neil Breen is one of our favourite film makers. Every one of his movies entertain us immensely. This is his fourth movie released in 2016. The plot is about a being that comes to earth and fixes up the ills of the world.

You can’t hate Neil’s movies so here are a few things that we love:

  • There is a tiger in some scenes that may or may not have been superimposed from some other stock footage from a completely different looking scene.
  • There is an actress that seems to have been captured by a bad guy and escape a few seconds before. So time travel is possible in this movie.
  • We couldn’t understand what was the motivation of the bad guys.
  • We couldn’t understand what were the situation of the victims that made them a target to bad guys.
  • We couldn’t understand why the bad guys had to shout so loudly at the victims.
  • We couldn’t understand why the bad guys would shoot the victims. Surely you need them alive for some reason?
  • We couldn’t understand how Neil became a god.
  • We couldn’t understand why Neil chose to save these victims.
  • We couldn’t understand why Neil is sometimes dead unless he’s alive.
  • We couldn’t understand why Neil has to go to a rock to disappear. Can’t you just vanish on the spot?.
  • We couldn’t understand why there were so many dead people at the end. Where did they come from?
  • We couldn’t understand why they disappear with strange physics. It’s not a whole body at a time. It’s based on the distance from Neil and the speed at which he walks.
  • We loved the cameo by his denim medals shirt from Double Down.

We loved this movie. And you would too.

Please help Neil make more movies by donating to his project.

After Last Season

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Picture it. 2009. You’re in a recession. You left home to be an actor a year ago and you have become famous yet. What do you do? Act in a B movie.

After Last Season is a sequence of images with an audio track. Calling it a movie would be an insult to movies. I’m not too sure of the plot. There was a doctor with a patient in a device that was called an MRI. Then there was a man and a woman that make sounds with their mouths. There is some computer generated images that are the subject of their exchange. The patient is cured of some ailment that he had. The movie ends.

There’s a lot wrong with this movie. But let me find something good about it.

I can’t find anything good about this movie.

Ok, whats bad? The plot is incoherent. There are non-sequitur scenes. The sets are either made from paper and cardboard or in an abandoned IT store. The shadows are so well defined that I think the director had one massive spot light. Many spot lights would have created multiple shadows. But the picture is dim even with such a hard shadow. The sets were in empty rooms so the sound kept bouncing around and made the dialogue almost incoherent. Not that it matters. The dialogue was so bad that we didn’t think that they had the same script. The camera work was just just as bad. Every frame was shot from far because the director only had one camera. And even then, some scenes wobbled and every shot was skew. So we figured that he didn’t have a tripod too.

No movie made us question what was going on as often as this movie. If you watch this movie, you’re doing to to either laugh at the extremely unskilled way making a product, or you’re a film student and you need to know what not to do.

Watch it. For the laughs.

Message from space: Galactic wars

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What would you do if you had a few hundred substandard crash helmets lying around? Obviously make a B movie that apes Star Wars and Power Rangers at the same time.

Message from space is a 1978 movie that was produced by a Japanese company and has American actors. The dialogue is also in English and the Japanese actors were dubbed. This movie was made a year after the original Star Wars was released. So you had some of the space fighters, some iconic shots. R2 is actually a BEBA2. A BEBA is a midget in a cardboard costume.

So the plot. There is a bad guy that destroys a planet because his mother wanted it destroyed, for some reason. Then some other guy throws eight walnuts into space so that people can collect them and then return them. Then there is a ship with a crazy passenger and that flies the plane and they are chased by space police for some reason. Then there are these two kitchen cleaners that find two of the nuts and, for no reason, save the galaxy. There are also other characters that do things that I can’t figure out what they have to do with the plot. There is a granny in an electric wheelchair. An old guy that dresses like a bum. People with plastic leaves on their heads. A main emperor samurai guy with a crash helmet and horns on the helmet. An Englishman wearing a colonial shipping uniform. A young girl that like to act crazy.

This is a typical Japanese movie. Its random and nuts and doesn’t make sense. Watch it.