Superman IV: The quest for peace

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90 minutes went by and nothing happened.

1987’s Superman 4 was the brainchild of Canon. Those guys that made all the Deathwishes, Exterminators, van Damme movies, Breakin’, etc. Its all for the money. Who cares about story? Usually movies have three acts, introduction, low point for the lead and victory. These acts are split, usually, evenly in the duration. Not this movie. You have about 60 minutes of act one, 5 minutes of acts two and then 25 minutes of the act three fight. Its all very slow and boring.

The plot is about Lex Luther that escapes prison, steals a thing, puts it in a missile, gets superman to throw all missiles into the sun, Lex’s missile hatches a bad guy, bad guy fights superman and loses.

There is no sub-plot either. We thought it would be that the Daily Planet was bought over by someone. Nope, a line or two. That’s all. Was it the daughter that wanted to band Super? Nope, he cares about his granny too much. His granny was his girlfriend in the previous three movies too. Lois Lane was her name.

There are very long chase scenes in the fight scenes. This is purely for padding. Super could kill the bad guy in seconds. The baddie was also a solar powered guy for some reason. Super had a chance to kill him. He already had the baddie in a box and in space during a time where the Earth blocked the sun. He could just fire bad guy off to space where its darker. Nope. Forget him, sun comes through the gap in the box’s doors, he charges up and repeats another 10 minute fight.

This is a simple good guy vs bad guy movie. But they fail at this plot too. There was no motivation for the bad guy. He hatched in the sun, why did he come to earth? Why did he only take orders from Lex? Why did he not just destroy everything? Why did he have clothes? Why is he angry?

This movie was so bad, it didn’t even make enough money to cover its production budget. About half of the movie had a lazy rear projection. The other half was on a set. The sets looked good. This is probably where the budget went.

Watch this movie because you love to laugh at bad movies.

Hellgate

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If you had a magic crystal, would you turn a goldfish into a monster fish that explodes? Sure you would.

We’re still celebrating bad movies shot in South Africa. This 1989 gem is about some lady that gets murdered. He father finds a crystal that has magic powers. He gives life to her body. Shit happens like a biker gang fight, a gold theme park tour, two couples talk about some story, one guy from the couples falls in love with the zombie lady and animals explode. None of this shit has to do with her father getting revenge.

The first 15 minutes are the best. This is probably where all the budget went. Good props, explosions and makeup. The rest of the movie was shot at night at one house and one petrol station. There is a ghost town with a turtle that bites you and you explode.

The best special effect was the slow motions. Nothing says ‘great movie’ like padding.

Watch this movie. Watch it now!

Out on bail

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Robert Ginty, the most accomplished actor, acts like a mute.

Picture it, 1989 Johannesburg in South Africa. Nelson Mandela is in prison. Leon Schuster is the greatest comedian on earth. And Robert Ginty comes here to star in a Rambo First Blood knock off.

So Ginty is a run of the mill bum and he’s on a train to no where. He gets to his destination, finds a hotel, gets a room, goes to a bar, breaks a drug deal, steals the money, find out the cops are in on the deal, gets chased by the cops, arrested and beaten and then breaks free while killing everyone. Boom! Oh, spoilers.

Most of the movie has Ginty being quiet like Rambo. The only reason we cared about it was that we can abuse Ginty through the screen because his set was in our neighborhood here in Johannesburg. Probably.

The cops are assholes exactly like in Rambo and they act as if they’re in the US. THe IMDB page says that this is based in Tennessee. They tried hard to keep the continuity by getting the US cars and driving them on the wrong side of the road. Some times this continuity breaks when you see stop signs on the correct side of the road and a few South African accents slip in. Loved spottign cameos by South African actors and actresses. Nadia Bilchik was the one I remember. She was a continuity presenter at a local station.

This move was a long 110 minutes and could have had 30 minutes cut out without anyone noticing.

Don’t watch it. Unless you’re being tortured.

Spy Kids 3D: Game Over

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2013 was the year Robert Rodriguez and his jibronies tell the world that they need money.

When you think of Robert Rodriguez you might think of Machete and Desperado and some Grind House shit. Not this Garbage.

Sylvester Stallone is a game maker and he some how made a virtual reality game that sucked up the main guy’s sister. Now main-guy must save her.

The entire movie is done, terribly, in a fucking green screen. You can see it quite clearly. The dialogue is terrible, the clothes, the acting, all of it, just shit.

Luckily it died on us half way.

Not going back.

 

Monolith

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It’s 1993 and Bill Paxton has a mullet and is historical like every other movie. “It’s game over man!”.

Monolith is a generic, boring science fiction movie that is so bad that the producers couldn’t find a better title. There is no actual monolith in this movie. The story is about some spirit. It occupies the body of a kid. Some chick shoots the kid and the spirit waits till there is someone close to the body to transfer itself to that new living body. They run around, he does bad things, he gets shot, transfer.

Louis Gossett Jr plays generic police chief man. John Hurt plays generic FBI cover up man. The partnership between Bill and partner is generic. They start off by fighting and then work well together.

This was like a stretched out version of an X-files episode. Don’t watch this shit.

We watched two Bill Paxton movies to honour him when we heard that he died. Rest in peace Bill Paxton.

 

Saviour of the Earth

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The middle of 1982 was the time when the world was fascinated with computers and all the possibility of living in a new world. The movie Tron was released and it blew everyone’s minds. Just imagine the future. Man and machine living in the same space. There was one particular person that took notice of Tron: Su-yong Jeong. A South Korean director that, in the middle of 1983, will release this gem of a retarded movie.

Saviour of the Earth is a Tron knock off with a voice dubbing done by about two people that do all the voices for all the characters in the same voice that they normally use when they talk. And with 1983 cheap-animation skills, the voice never follows the mouth’s movements. So we never knew who was talking at any time. The cadence was also so bad that you when someone stops talking and another person begins.

At some point Pac Man chases the main actor in the computer. There’s that.

I’m not too sure on the plot. I think there was a guy that tries to take over the world, so he goes inside the computer and teleports to another persons computer and sucks them into the computer as well to battle them. The computers will also launch some attack somewhere using some weapon. Honestly, this was bad.

The parts I remember seems random but the entire movie was random. There was a guy named “Black John” and he was a bad guy initially and then for no reason helps the main guy. The is a woman in a bikini that wears an eye-patch that pilots a submarine with no other crew and she has a midget child sister that is mechanical. The little sister somehow has feelings and falls in love with the main guy but she feels rejected when he asks “why don’t you have a nose?”. The rest of the dialogue also was like bad imitation of a Stephen Hawking computer voice.

This was shit. Don’t watch.

Mad Shelia

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Its 2016 and the guys that made Max Mad Fury Road didn’t pander to Chinese audiences so the Chinese market took up that slack and made their own Mad Max.

It was in mandarin but had subtitles, not that it matters. We’re pretty sure the plot was about some gang that was looking for women. Then a rival gang that hates the main gang for some reason. Then there was a character like the hunchback guy from 300 who goes to a gang and tells them about the existence of a women in some place and she dresses like a man to hide. The main gang finds her, captures her, she escapes, there is a battle, gang loses. Then for no reason the gang is still alive for a second battle and they quickly lose.

There were some highlights of this shit show:

  • The woman is question is very pretty and we all fell in love with her.
  • The second-in-command of the main gang had an Orlando Pirates badge. This is a logo of South African soccer team.
  • The props like the jackets, goggles, chains, skulls, etc were all bought from the cheapest toy store in Mongolia.
  • The car chase run at about 20km/h. Possibly the slowest high-speed chase we’ve ever seen.
  • The pickup trucks had, for some reason, doors to get into the bed that was open. I’ve never seen a 4-door pickup where the front passengers had a roof and the rear was open. Maybe it was China. Maybe it was the most unique Mad Max thing designed.
  • Bad CGI explosions.
  • The gang makes a “woo woo” police sound with their mouths as a way to intimidate their victims.
  • There was 2 minute part where they advertise some app for your phone.

This movie was funny and bad. They rip off Mad Max by telling someone that doesn’t know what Mad Max was to write the script and design the set. Watch it!

The Scorpion King 4: Quest for Power

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Its 2015 and some old actors need to fill their acting quota so that they can remain part of the Acting Union so they beat a dead horse called The Scorpion King franchise.

There is an out of place Don ‘The Dragon’ Wilson, prop Rutger Hauer, crazy father Barry Bostwick, background santa guy, odd Michael Biehn, odd Lou Ferrigno, odd Esme Bianco (the prostitute from Game of Thrones) and wrestler Eve Torres.

So the plot. The all powerful scorpion king tries to steal an all powerful stick. His henchman betrays him and sells the stick to some king. The king dies, something happens and Scorpie meets a fit girl with her crazy father and they beat the guy that bought the stick because they are enemies. For some reason, the crazy old father becomes king because Scorps killed the baddie.

The thing you will notice while watching this movie is how clean everything and everyone is. The middle ages had the best dental care systems and its been downhill since. Then the props are very flimsy. You can see that the actors take effort in not knocking into them too badly in case they visibly bend. \

The CGI scorpions, spiders, fire, transitions and other effects are of the worst quality that you can imagine.

Should you watch this? No. Because I actualy think that they knew that they were making a bad movie. And being self-aware is a big NO-NO for being considered a B movie. You need to play it straight and fail spectacularly.

 

 

 

Day of the Warrior

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I have no idea whats going on. I really don’t give a shit about this movie. Watching all 12 and not waging war on our eyeballs was an achievement. We’re all glad that we’re done with all the Sidaris movies.

This 1996 Sidaris moving picture was the last one that he will expose to the world. It has the usual ‘actresses’, Rodrigo, dry humping, remote control toys, the Jeep, Jewel Panther.

L.E.T.H.A.L. stood for Legion to Ensure Total Harmony and Law. They make a point of this at the start by showing it a few times in shots.

Cobra, Scorpion and Black Widow are back as baddies. Didn’t they get killed in the last one?

Widow knocks a guy out with a boob.

The end is a wrestling match with the warrior guy. I still don’t know what he was doing in the movie.

Rodrigo has a beard like captain price from Call of Duty.

Should you watch it? Only if you’re 12 or you need to complete the set.

We talked about which of the 12 Sidaris movies was the best and the clear winner was Hard Ticket to Hawaii. It was the first one that we watched and also the one with the most memorable moments. The skateboarder, the 4-barrel bazooka, Ridge Forrester driving through walls, the snake, the ‘cancer infested rats’, the Frisbee and I’m sure theres more.

So Andy, fuck you and thank you.

Breakin 2: The Electric Boogaloo

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Breakin 1 was so successful, Cannon cranked out a sequel a few months later. In 1984, they called it Breakin 2: The Electric Boogaloo. From this point forward, every sequel that is made that didn’t need to made will be subtitled with an “Electric Boogaloo”.

The plot can be summed up pretty quickly. Some developer wants land and will bulldoze a community recreation centre. The dancers will dance and get donations to stop them. Thats it. How did they manage to stretch out this plot to 94 minutes is beyond me. Also, why do communities have recreation centres? Do they not have specific spaces to do specific things? Why a general space for recreation? Why are people so sentimental about it too? It’s just a building. You can build a new one somewhere else. Or have specific spaces for specific needs. Like a dance hall to dance. A gym to work out. A tool shop for DIY hobby work. Are recreation centres widely used in the rest of the world? They weren’t at all used in my Country.

So our friends Boogaloo Shrimp and Turbo are up to their usual tricks. Practicing random dance moves and wearing the strangest clothes in anticipation of a dance off battle. This does happen. They were looking for a parking spot or something and they did a dance off with another team that parked their cars in a parking space. They also do their usual trick of asking for help and then saying ‘we dont need your help’.

Ice T is in it.

Don’t watch this shit. 1 is better than 2.