The Black Gestapo

It’s the 70’s and you have some surplus Nazi hats and some racists in the neighbourhood, what do you do? You make a blacksploitation movie.

The short version is there are some white-guy racists that are shaking down the black-owned businesses in some area. So the black-gestapo is a vigilante army that exists and they fight with the white guys and take over exploiting the black-owned businesses. The army then has a fall out because the main guy wanted to protect the black people but the main guy’s minion only wants money and power.

There are a few memorable scenes.

  • The first time we see The Black Gestapo in action, they want to break into a white racist guy’s house and torture him to stop stealing from the black-owned businesses. To break in, they climb a wall of a house, then walk over the roof, then rappel down the side, break open a window and find the white guy bathing in the world’s tiniest bath tub. The problem with this scene is that they could have just walked up to the window. Idiots.
  • They torture the dude by cutting off his balls and then flushing it down the toilet.
  • Then the army’s training camp is a basketball court. Which is ridiculous and hilarious.
  • Every time the Gestapo general is addressing his troops, the applause sounds have the Nazi sieg heil audio in the background to make it feel like there are more people.

This movie is awesome. Funniest exploitation we’ve seen in a long time.

Geostorm

This is another movie I love. Not because its good, or so bad that its good. No. Its because it shows that people can still crank out bad shit in 2017.

Geostorm is about everything. There is climate change, space station shenanigans, USA politics conferences, family relations are fucked up, social media is bad, people are racist, all the things are getting hacked, and electric cars are popular. There is a hacker guy that thinks everything is shit and people should die. So he becomes smart, joins the space station crew, designs a complicated virus that will mess with the settings of the man-made climate adjustment bubble that floats around space and surrounds the earth. That virus will need to be delivered to the system through some Kafkaesque process and he will need to learn people skills, be liked by people and then manipulate them to deliver the virus. But we never see any of this, he just explains it at the end when the good guy catches him. Its like a Scooby Doo. The good guy is King Leonidis from 300. There is a bullshit arc that we see him leave the space station, come to earth, get prosecuted for disobeying some trivial order. The judges don’t want to use common sense or weight up the pros and cons of his actions in light of the situation that I think we’re told. No, its all black and white to them. Why the fuck are they even there? If the system worked that way, just put a computer in charge and they can stay at home and watch bad movie or go to some bullshit bad movie review site. We then see that Leonidis goes back to the space station and becomes the boss because the guys he left in charge for two weeks, so he could be back on earth to be prosecuted, managed to fuck up the place. Now he need to fix it, investigate why things broke, then find a virus, then find the guy that made the virus and then stop the virus.

There is nothing good about this movie. Every line seemed to be a one-liner cliche that was crowdsourced. The actors didn’t give a shit playing their part. They look like they’re doing one take and heading back to their hotel. The effects are terrible but only slightly better than Phantom Menace. Music is absolute garbage. They put a bass drop every line like its supposed to be the main line of the movie.

It’s set in 2019. So in this Director’s mind, humans can progress this rapidly in two years and manage to build a factory in space to make more space ships and satellites. Disbelief was not suspended. Who was this fucking Director? Dean Devlin. He hasn’t directed anything good. He seems to be a producer. Maybe he’s trying his hand at directing. How did he not test this script with other people or get an audience?

This is a terrible movie.

 

Maximum Force

Want to know how little people care about this movie? Here is the IMDB synopsis of the movie: “Three determined cops are recruited to take down a notorious crime lord.”

The only parts I remember was every time Richard Lynch was on screen. He was playing the bad guy who was the crime boss that did some crimes. His character name was “Mr Tanabe”. Funny, he doesn’t look Japanese. Then all his scenes were in some really shit office at night with a bunch of other sub-bosses. One of the guys in the meeting was tasked with the great job of saying “Yes Mr Tanabe” everytime Lynch he said something. Literal definition of a ‘yes man’. He says that he controls all the crime in the city but we’re never show to what extent he controls things and how much money he makes or what power he can wield. We’re just supposed to believe him.

While being bored, we went creeping around IMDB and found out that the main cop is the Mr Gordon from Flash Gordon. Then the police commissioner was played by Mickey Rooney, who was some famous actor a million years ago. Interesting stuff on IMDB says he had 8 wives and 11 kids. Busy man. The Director and Writers hadn’t made anything great before or after this movie and then fairly quickly stopped working on movies.

Watch if you have brain damage.

The Force

If you like looking at your phone and thinking about all the other things you could be doing, then this movie is for you.

So there is this cop, he’s doing cop things and he gets killed by a bad guy. For some reason, his spirit leaves the dead body and enters a living body of the main guy. But only sometimes, most of the time, the guy is himself. This sounds a lot like Ghost. But Ghost was made four years before this. The main guy is a cop and sometimes while he’s doing his job, he gets triggered and turns into the dead guy’s spirit and continues to solve his old case. Then the main guy ‘wakes up’ from his possession and finds himself in some woman’s house. He eventually binds with the spirit, and together they find the bad guy, confront him and solve the case. None of the performances are convincing, I have a wooden table and it does a better job at acting.

This is probably one of the most forgettable movies we’ve watched. Usually we have banter about the movies we watch and the good ones are able to make us share memes for a week or two. This movie was forgotten about five minutes after the credits rolled.

Ghosts of Mars

Its 2001 and the awesome John Carpenter wants to make a John Carpenter movie but can’t manage to convince anyone who has money to give him that money so he can make a movie.

Ghosts of Mars is pretty simple. There is a mining colony on Mars and something seems odd, so some government sends the army to check it and they are turned into some sort of Mad Max colony. Then its 90 minutes of the army finding the bad guys and shooting them. Then its ends like a Scooby Doo where the main guy is revealed and there are reasons for him doing this. Who cares?

It costs $28m to make this movie and it brought in $4m. So its relatively cheap and a pretty big fail. There is Natasha Henstridge, Ice Cube, Jason Statham and Pam Grier. There are other ok actors that we’ve seen before, but we dont remember them. Its shot in a quarry and we know that means. I suggest making a new genre of bad movie. “Quarry movie”: a genre of movie that shot in a quarry because its cheap and filling. You get a good 60 minutes of run time playing Scooby Doo at the mine.

So what’s wrong with this movie? Expectations. You want a good cheesy hero like Snake Plisken. Action in Big trouble in Little China. You also want great effects like The Thing. You want suspense like Halloween. You get none of that. Everything is flat. Music is shit, acting is shit, cameraman might as well have been a tripod. The only thing thats somewhat good is that Carpenter writes good characters. They played the part well and each character was true to his or her own story. Does that redeem it? Fuck no. Dont watch.

 

Karate Dog

Oh. My. God. A talking CGI dog in a live-action movie that does karate and fights bad guys and then fights the main bad guy is John Voight that gone crazy.

There is Mr Miyagi busy fucking around with his medicines and gets killed by the bad guys. His god sees all of it. A cop comes to investigate and the dog follows him home and starts talking to him and they partner up. Cop guy talks about some girl he’s interested in at the station and the dog and him get on walkie talkies and the dog talks him though his date with the girl. They do things and investigate the murder of Mr Miyagi and that leads them to John Voight. Voight is doing some shit with chemicals that makes him younger and it makes him crazy because he takes too much or too often. We dont know why he’s doing this and how Mr Miyagi was involved and why the dog chose this particular cop guy as the person he will speak to and not do dog noises.

Nothing more really happens. Its just 90 minutes of dog shenanigans.

This was made in 2005 by Bob Clark who’s made other terrible movies like Baby Geniuses and Baby Geniuses 2. There were two writers and one of them wrote for the same shit movies as Bob and they also wrote for beauty pageants. Who knew pageants needed writers?

Avoid this shit.

The Battle for Skyark

This movie is fucking garbage. But they only lost $2.5m. So thats ok i guess?

The earth is fucked up. I think there are ruined buildings, maybe radiation and monsters. So people live in an ark in the sky. Except for some kids that get jettisoned to the planet because they’re orphans or their parents are fuck ups. This is shown in the first few minutes and this is where the holes appear. If they killed a parent and have no room for an orphan, why keep him alive? Why send him on a working escape pod to survive a surface landing? Why not just blast him out the air lock?

So this kid’s father is killed and he shot out the ark and he lands in a junk yard on earth. There he meets some more junk yard kids that sound like they’ve been there for years. But they are kids. So how did they learn to speak? How did they survive without people to take care of them? What did they eat? How did they find out that monsters exist and they they should avoid them? None of this makes any sense?

We’re shown that this kid has 13 cuts on his arm. And for some reason, he is a chosen one and will save humanity. We’re never shown that there are other people on the planet. 20 minutes into the movie, all the other kids die in a monster attack and I think one girl survives to be a love interest.

Who the fuck was this this movie made for? The kill scenes are not for young kids. Older kids will find it stupid and all adults find it retarded. Its made in 2016 in USA by someone that, I think, is a few years out of film school. Did he not watch any movies before making this? Did he not show his script to someone after making the first draft? Maybe he’s got a rich uncle. Maybe he wanted to sell it to Hallmark or Lifetime because the interaction was forced and overly dramatic.

If you like Minions or Adam Sandler movies, you should enjoy this movie. For everyone else, avoid.

Diamond Cartel

I love this movie. It’s not good but that’s not the point. The point is that in 2017, you can still get some big stars to act in your shit movie, pay them fuck all, and bomb at the box office.

The plot is pretty basic. There is a main bad guy and he wants to buy a diamond from another bad guy and the main guy’s workers plot to steal it and fuck ’em both over. The big names are in it for a good two minutes. Bolo Yeung from Bloodsport, Shang Tsung, Michael Madson, my favourite geriatric Don ‘The Dragon’ Wilson and Tommy Lister from Star Gate. The main bad guy was played by Armand Assante. This fucking guy knocked it out of the park. What a great performance. He was bad ass and convincing. Then there was a cameo from Peter ‘o Toole. Who was so old that he died a few days after this movie was made.

This movie costs $7m and was made in Kazakhstan. It’s not good. The acting is mostly shit, the story is the best that a Kazakh person could do. The camera work was good and so was the editing. I don’t remember any music or sound effects. But we had fun watching it. You would have fun too.

The Wicker Man

Do you think movie remakes are better than the original? You would think that after 33 years, there would be more people around that know how to make better movies. Nope. 2006’s The Wicker Man is a remake of the 1973 Christopher Lee movie and it’s 25 minutes longer. But the IMDB scores are 3.7 for the new one and 7.6 for the old one. So what went wrong?

The short summary of this movie is that there is this island somewhere in the UK with a bunch of weirdo people that are part of some cult that manage to lure in a person from the mainland and then sacrifice him. They lure him using a convoluted plot of having some young girl mysteriously disappear and he investigates and interacts with all the islanders and they all have to play there part in the plot.

The original movie wasn’t a fast paced thriller. For the first half of the movie, the cop is walking around the stupid island and talking to the stupid people. The new movie adds 25 more minutes to give the cop, who will be the guy lured, a motivation to go to the island. After that its beat for beat. They don’t improve the story to give us a reason to care about the islanders. Why are they there? Why did they make a cult? We are told that they know about the mainland, yet they chose the island? Whats so good about the island and the cult that they don’t just leave and join the world? A good conflict should make you care about the good guy and the bad guy. You want to be able to understand how they got to where they are and you’re on the edge of your seat because you don’t know how it will end. This movie does none of that. You have a bad guy because he is a bad guy.

They do change some of the character names and genders. Not because it makes the movie more modern or interesting, but its probably to avoid legal problems. I can’t think that they spent 10 minutes debating the benefits of changing the missing mcguffin girl from Rowan Morrison to Rowan Woodward. Maybe it was because they shot it in USA and couldn’t bother to find British sounding actors. The original was a British island. This one was just some island.

The rest of the movie is pretty shit. This was our first Nicholas Cage movie in the Bad Movie Night and my god his acting is shit. 2006 was the somewhere in the years where he made like a million movies a week and didn’t care about acting. He was just Nic Cage in every movie. He doesn’t look like a guy with a drug habit. So either he’s a bad gambler or he’s bad with economics. The rest of the cast doesn’t stand out either. But that’s not their fault. The script and editing was really shit and did them no favours.

Why do people remake a good movie only to make a worse version? The writer and director is Neil Labute and IMDB says he directed a bunch of shorts and some good movies early in his career. What the fuck was he thinking during this movie? I don’t know. Maybe he had to pay off his gambling debt. He costs the funders $42m to make it and it only brought in $11m.

This movie isn’t even a ‘so bad its good’ movie. Don’t watch it.