Gamera: Guardian of the earth


A 1995 movie that’s actually not too bad. We think it may be too good for us.

The acting was good, the miniature sets were amazing, the story was good. The premise was retarded however. There was these pterodactyls that were irritating humans and Gamera, that was hibernating, wakes up to save the humans. All while the humans shoot at poor Gamera.

Gamera also is rocket powered with the four exhausts near his rear legs and in his ass. He has teeth that are rockets and they can reload.

I dont remember anything really bad about it. Watch it if you like good movies.

Turkish spiderman


The official title is 3 Dev Adam which is literally translated to Three Mighty Men. There are about 6 Spidermen and Captain America and Nacho Libre. They’re all bad guys and they fight with fake Timothy Dalton.

We loved this movie and did know why was anyone doing anything or why they are the bad guys, why they chose these costumes, what they were stealing, why was it so important to catch them. They didnt catch them too. WTF is strong in this movie.

Its about 60 minutes long and that probably because of all the hard cuts in the movie. Its a 1973 movie that celebrates copyright infringement and the Turkish disdain for America.

Here are some memorable moments:

  • Spiderman, Captain America and Nacho go to strip clubs to chill out.
  • Those fucking hard cuts on every scene.
  • 5 Spidermen die but the 6th one was the real one.
  • Spiderman’s mask allows for his monster bush eyebrows to be threaded through the eye holes.
  • All the music is knock offs of James Bond music.
  • Fuck origin story.
  • Spiderman’s costume looks like pyjamas.
  • Nacho does some sweet wrestling moves.
  • Loud 70’s shirts.
  • Captain America wore some Native American jersey with a built in scarf.
  • They kill a guy with a rat through a tube stuck on a guys face.
  • Good bad-guy-laughs.

This is retarded. Watch it.

Life of ninja


Oh look, a kung fu movie during Foreign movie February. How original. Fuck you.

This gem was made in 1983 in Hong Kong.

There are these sisters. They inherit their father’s money and a husband of one of them is managing it. He seems to know what he is doing and the wife is drunk 100% of the time. But they want to kill all the people that work for him. For some reason.

One of the sisters is a ninja. But she hires other ninjas to kill the employees.

Some memorable moments:

  • Ninja sister wears a sexy pair of leather pants. Oh, she fucks up a few people easy.
  • Sexy mud wrestling is part of the intro sequence.
  • 1000 wire fight scenes were good (reason for making this movie. probably.)
  • There are flash ninjas. These are girls with big tits that flash the enemy to distract them. Obviously there are no male flashers allowed. That would make the movie ridiculous.

Watch it.


Intensive care


We’re watching foreign movies in February. So no English and lots of reading. The first one is Intensive Care.

In 1991, USA actor George Kennedy, the fat old guy in naked gun, went to The Netherlands for a holiday. So naturally some people saw him, they then made a horror movie in the weekend that he was there.

The plot is pretty simple. This doctor (George) thinks he is good at brain surgery, some shit happens and he dies. He is in a coma for a while and then when he wakes up, he’s a zombie. One that breathes like a banshee. He then goes around the town killing everyone for some reason.

Its a slow movie. Lots of walking, stalking, walking, loud breathing, more walking, some talking, then some more walking.

Here’s what I remember:

  • Main actor is quite rapey. The girls does however, send mixed signals all the bloody time.
  • Girl drills the eyeball of George.
  • They film a kid connect a wall plug for a few minutes.
  • The main dude looked like his head was hacked off, but the girl gives im a band aid and he is fine.

I say watch this.