Scanner Cop


The 90s movie that looks like an 80s.

In 1994 a bunch of nobodies made a movie that no one saw. They had to wait 22 years for a bunch of idiots like us to watch it. So this is the basic story. There is a guy that has telepathic powers. He gets shot and as he dies, he sees that his son has it too. Some cop adopts the son. Then there is a killer on the loose who used to experiment on people and he is an ex cop. This baddie was shot in the head by the cop who adopted the kid. Now the baddie is out for revenge. Instead of directly confronting the always-exposed good cop, he decides to hire a transvestite to kidnap people to brain wash then into thinking that a target is actually an insect that they hate so that they think that they are killing an insect when in reality they are actually killing the target. The son is grown up now and is a also a cop. He uses telepathic powers to read the mind of the killer moments before they killed. This exposed the insect plan. Then, for some reason, he hears the transvestite on a phone call several hundred meters away and chases her. She gets hit by a car and as she is dying, she telepathises [sic] her and finds out that the baddie is who he is. They go after him and kill him. Done. Lets understand the stupid shit now.

  • The police force used to experiment on people. Let this sink in. In this universe, the police make so much money that they need to R&D telepathy.
  • Thats another point. Telepathy is a regular service that cops use. They even call it “psionic”. Its all very matter-of-fact. Yeah we use a psionic, why wouldn’t we, noobs.
  • Then, during the son’s father death, three plastic baby heads burst out of his head. Why? This had nothing to do with anything.
  • Why did the bad guy think insects was the best trigger? Why did he need to change the insect at every victim? Why can you use the same poor ant for every victim?
  • The tranny and the baddie hid their lair behind a psychic shop. And the tranny did psychic things with tarot cards. They never explain if she is any good at being a tarot card reader or predicting the future. Just as well though, because she dies. Guess she didn’t see that coming. Idiot.
  • There is a few good special effects in the movie, like two head explosions. Other effects are veins that pop out of peoples faces. But did we expect the veins to be in the right place? Nope, According to this movie, we have cheek veins and forehead veins.
  • Oh, and this kid is not only is able to predict the future, read the past, over hear people’s thoughts at a distance, hear their thought while touching them, but, he can also predict who is a potential victim. This is what they call scanning and that’s why he is the scanner cop.
  • The scanner can hold a computer and make his MSpaint draw a person from a humpty dumpty image. Neato.
  • There is a sequel. Scanner Cop II.

This movie runs for 1hr and 40 mins. It should have been 1h30m. The good movies are always 90mins.

And its kind of boring. There is a bare minimum of shit to be included in a shit movie list, but its clutching at straws.

Why was it made? They had a budget, so they spent it all on effects. They didn’t have any famous A or B stars. Story is good enough. According to a comment I read on IMDB, this is a continuation of a 1981 movie by David Cronenberg called Scanners. IMDB says the David did the characters of this movie too. hmmm. I dont know. He waited 13 years? Nah. There was a 1992 movie called Psychic. So we just dont know.

Watch it. But put it on the bottom of your list.

Maniac Cop 1, 2 and 3


We watched the most famous trilogy ever. Maniac Cop.

You have the right to remain silent. FOREVER.

So lets get the plot out the way and then talk about the fucked up shit.

In 1988, there was a former cop that was murdering people, he was found out by a real cop but fortunately the killer cop killed the good cop. Then in 1990, he was found out by a real cop but fortunately the killer cop killed the good cop. They also tell you that he is a zombie because he was killed in prison while having a shower at night. Then in 1993, he was found out by another real cop but unfortunately the killer cop was killed by the good cop.

The killer/cop/zombie/prisoner is dear old Robert z’Dar (1950 to 2015 RIP). A legend in b-movies. We’ve watched a lot of his movies: Tango and Cash, Samurai Cop, Future War, Packet Ninjas, Total Force and Hollywood Cop. He’s been in 119 movies in his career. His b-movie fame is the biggest reason we wanted to watch the Maniac Cop trilogy. We even expected them to be good because you don’t find b-sequels to easily.

So lets get into the stupid shit in each movie:

Maniac Cop 1

  • Shaft (Richard Rowntree) is the police commissioner. He is always a cop is every movie.
  • z’Dar only says 1 word in this movie. And it isn’t pivotal.
  • This was probably on the verge of being a good movie.
  • There is a cop that seems to work at night a lot, his wife suspects that he is the serial killer and makes a book of newspaper cutting of these stories. She follows him on a beat and for no reason, he leaves the front door unlocked to the a place where he is actually banging some other cop. As the wife runs away, Maniac kills her and the other cops find her cutting book and think that he killed her. They go on the run. Maniac kills the guy.
  • Robert z’Dar is a monster sized dude. He picks up the cuttings chick and snaps her neck like a twig.
  • Maniac’s girlfriend (or mom) is in the police force and she has been putting these crimes to other culprits to avoid blame to Maniac.
  • The chick in the intro was the main killer chick in aerobicide
  • Tom Atkins is actually the main good guy despite the movie trying to convince you that the cheater husband was good. And for some reason, Tom knows that the killer is another cop. This led him to the girlfriend/mom lead.
  • Shaft and Tom talk about Tom’s mental state in the least tactful way ever. Are you still unstable?
  • There is a scene where some random chick is driving around and when she stops, a cop approaches her and then she shoots him because all the cops are bad. Turns out that he wasn’t the maniac.
  • They bait maniac by putting a tranny to be a hooker on the streets. It works. They shoot him and the bullets dont have an effect on him.
  • Tom dies, and there is a vagueness on what happens to maniac.

Maniac Cop 2

  • The main good cop is Robert Davi. He is Sanchez in the Dalton James Bond.
  • There is a scene where a guy robs a grocery store just like in cobra. We did some digging and found out that it was the same actor as cobra.
  • The main actor is titled as Bruce Campbell and dies pretty quickly at the start leaving Davi as the main guy.
  • There is a guy that looks like Zak Gylfinakais (The bad comedian with a beard).
  • This movie is waay better at being a b-movie
  • Robert z’Dar says 0 words here
  • There is a car chase where a woman is handcuffed to the steering wheel and no on else is in the car when its moving. Nuts.
  • Terminator 1 ripoff where the cops are shooting targets at a range and the maniac is at the target side and shoots all the cops.
  • Shelley Desai has a scene. His the landlord in Always Sunny.
  • Charles Napier has a scene. He is that crazy Marshal Murdock in Rambo 2 (hey a Stallone link in the 2nd movie)
  • Danny Trejo has a scene. He is Machete.
  • Sam Raimi has a scene. He wrote that shitty toby macguire spiderman 3.
  • Over 30 murders and z’Dar killed them all.
  • The best scene is when z’Dar walks through all the glass walls at the police station.

Maniac 3

  • This is the shittest of the trilogy.
  • Robert Davi and Robert z’Dar are in here. The rest of the actors are nobodies.
  • Some bullshit about z’Dar is actually under control of a voodoo doll by some crazy witchdoctor.
  • There is a scene where a cop catches a robber with a hostage. Shoots the robber, and the hostage shoots the cop for some reason. What the fuck?
  • Maniac end up on fire and has a good death scene.
  • Maniac is good at night-stick tricks.
  • Maniac killed everyone except Sanchez.
  • The end hints that there might be a fourth movie where a burnt girl might be the next maniac. They would have done it if the director hadn’t said that this was a tough movie to make.
  • This was a tough movie to make. Probably because there isn’t much going on and they managed to stretch it to 90 mins.

We liked the trilogy. It didn’t have a real arc between all three. It just seem to be stories that follow each other because they had the same main bad guy. There is a fair amount of replays of the prior movies to remind the audience what the fuck happened. Then they try to have a twist on the origin by making the reason for the killings to be the prison murder zombie and then the voodoo shit.

Watch this shit. In order.



1986 and everything is good in the world. Cannon is making movies that no one understands but everyone loves them anyways.

So John Rambo acts as Marion Cobretti. He is such a progressive cop that he wants to change his name to Alice. His words, not mine. He is a cop that doesn’t say much and doesn’t take shit either. When shit goes down, ‘the force’ calls him to just walk in and blow the bad guys away. Because crime is a disease and he is the cure.

So let me try to explain why the events take place. There is this serial killer, he looks a lot like Willem Defoe. He is busy with his nightly murder and then some girl sees him. He goes after the girl to kill her and remove a witness. But she gets a away. Right now we have a movie. He spends 90 minutes trying to get to her and Rambo spends the same amount of time trying to poke protect her.

The killer is a simple man. Go out and kill, come home and sharpen the knife. Go out and kill, come home and sharpen the knife. Go out and kill, come home and sharpen the knife. I think he is supposed to be part of a cult. Because in the start of the movie, there is a bunch of guys and an accountant that raise their axes and knock them together. I think they are chanting some shit while doing it. They don’t establish why this cult exists, what their goals are or who the leader is. But in a Cannon movie, do you care?

After the girl is chased, she is saved by the cops, taken into some protection programme, one of the cops is the killer’s mom and a mole, killer tries to kill again, killer dies. See how simple Cannon movies are? Its brilliant. So when you have a nice simple plot, you can use it as a blank canvas and then the colour is every actor doing stupid shit.

Here is a list of stupid shit:

  • Cobra reads out bullshit stats at the start of the movie
  • Cobra points a gun as the audience and then shoots us
  • Cobra needs a parking space so he uses his car to push Essey McEssey’s car and then win the argument of how tough he is
  • Cobra cuts a pizza with a scissor
  • Not Willem Defoe says the word ‘pig’ a thousand times because he cant think of another insult
  • The girl has a 5 minute fashion shoot in the movie for no reason
  • Cobra always chews a matchstick and uses it to burn a bad guy
  • The cult guys talk about the new world order but never tell you their goals
  • 5 minute chase scene because the producer probably liked Bullit
  • Cobra says that he starts where the law ends
  • Not Willem Defoe wears stockings over his head and looks like a retard

Watch this movie


Jupiter Ascending


Buckle up idiots, you’re in for a doozie.

2015 was the year that the Wachowski siblings decided to tell the world that they have no talent. We think that they saw all the DC and Marvel shit and tried to make an original idea and hoped that it would then be a hit and all the kids would want to see sequels and spin-offs and solos. Maybe they would make millions off the toys that all the grown men would want to buy.

Nope. They release this steamer, they lose a shit ton of money and will probably give a discount for any new movie they make.

Let me try to tell what this is all about. There is a girl that is a maid. Her mother was a maid too. And they clean toilets all the time. The same toilet. All the time. Sometimes the owner of the toilet cant use the toilet because they are cleaning it. Then for some reason, there are aliens that know where she is and they kidnap her. But kidnappings are not like typical russian kidnappings where they hit the girl, carry the body to the donkey, and ride back to your home village. In this kidnapping, they knock her out, open a portal to somewhere, jump in. Why would aliens kidnap a maid? She’s a princess. Maybe a Wachowski wanted to sell the franchise to Disney. Smart thinking there Wachowski. But you spent so much time imagining the future, that you forgot to make a good movie. Maybe the Matrix was a fluke? Maybe someone else made it & you just put your name on it?

Now that the maid princess is kidnapped, we find out that the bad guys are in space and they are human looking. Some are dinosaurs, some look like those smoking slackers from MIB. Then there is the white knight. He apparently used to have wings for some reason. And then he has space roller blades that fly through the sky. Then the space ships have wings for space aerodynamics. And these wings are not physically attached to the ship. Its just hovering. Pointless technology right there. Then the space ships look they were designed by someone that didn’t know that people like to get from one part of the ship to the other with the least number of steps. Here, you need to walk diagonally down to the centre, then teleport to a floating thorax, then teleport to some part and then walk up some stairs.  Thats just the outside, from the inside, it looks like a massive baseball arena. Then these ships park in the centre of a planet. Now you’re probably asking how they hollowed out a planet to make a car park? Yeah. I dont know. Then this planet is Jupiter. A pretty massive fucking planet. You dont mine the light and loose gas off the top. No, you go for the heavy shit in the centre. Why the fuck would any one would think that this is a good idea? Then, apparently space is over populated. Fuck. Its the literal definition of the word. Then the aliens want to take over Earth to make the humans into botox shots. Because even making teleporters, and space machines and worm-holes is not advanced enough. You still need to kill humans. The princess finds out that she owns earth. And only she can make the deal. Then there is a ton of fight scenes throughout the movie. And all of them have the roller blade knight flying everywhere, shooting all the things, never dies. I could try to describe the bad guys but they are just boring. The only people getting paid is the princess, the knight and the millions of animators that made the flying T-rex. And sometimes they fly through space without a suit and sometimes they dont. Sometimes a punch takes them down, and sometimes flying through multiple walls will result in a scratch.

So… shit acting, bullshit physics, weak story, boring characters, nauseating sound effects, epileptic fit inducing visual effects is what you get for two hours.

Why would you want roller blades if wormhole transport exists? Why do you need to get a princess to agree to anything, you have thousands of ships. Just take everything and kill everyone. No witnesses and no complaints.

Im sure the actors refined their skill of working in a small green room. Well done actors, you’re in a booming industry.

Should you watch it? Only if you are blind and deaf.

List of every cop movie

I made a list of all the cop movies ever made. The criteria is that the title should have ‘cop’ as the last word. So Scanner Cop would be in but Cop Scanner wouldn’t. Then I also removed series and shorts.

Here you go.

Title Year Comment
Maniac Cop 2017
Kindergarten Cop 2 2016
Space Cop 2016 Planned
Bon Cop Bad Cop 2 2016
New Cops 2016
The Cops 2016
Cannibal Cop 2016
Good Cop, Good Cop 2016
LAPD African Cops 2016
Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 2015
Samurai Cop 2: Deadly Vengeance 2015 Planned
Thought Crimes: The Case of the Cannibal Cop 2015
The Cop 2015
Let’s Be Cops 2014
RoboCop 2014
Android Cop 2014 Planned
White Cop 2014
WolfCop 2014
PMS Cop 2014
Cop 2014
Wrong Cops 2013
Beverly Hills Cop 2013
Cops 2013
Cops 2013
Bio-Cop 2012
Cops 2012
Lesbian Cops 2011
Blitz: Cop-Killer vs. Killer-Cop 2011
Cops 2010
Busty Cops and the Jewel of Denial 2010
Busty Cops Go Hawaiian 2010
Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2009
Bad Cop 2009
Busty Cops: Protect and Serve! 2009
Top of the Cops 2009
Good Cop Fat Cop 2009
Good Cop, Baby Cop 2007
Cops 2007
The Cop 2007
Bon Cop Bad Cop 2006
Good Cop, Bad Cop 2006
Busty Cops 2 2006
Cops! 2006
Mall Cop 2005
Bad Cops 2000
Gen-X Cops 2: Metal Mayhem 2000
Third World Cop 1999
Gen-X Cops 1999
Family of Cops III: Under Suspicion 1999
Bad Cop, Bad Cop 1998
One Tough Cop 1998
Cops 1997
Breach of Faith: A Family of Cops II 1997
Kid Cop 1996
Family of Cops 1995
Gladiator Cop 1995
Scanner Cop II 1995
American Cop 1995
Beverly Hills Cop III 1994 Watched
Scanner Cop 1994 Planned
Timecop 1994
Cyborg Cop II 1994
Cyborg Cop 1993 Planned
RoboCop 3 1993 Watched
Maniac Cop 3: Badge of Silence 1993
Good Cop/Bad Cop 1993
Psycho Cop Returns 1993
Ex-Cop 1993
New York Cop 1993
Samurai Cop 1991 Watched
One Good Cop 1991
Karate Cop 1991 Watched
Zombie Cop 1991
Kindergarten Cop 1990 Watched
Maniac Cop 2 1990
RoboCop 2 1990 Watched
Good Cops, Bad Cops 1990
Vampire Cop 1990
Omega Cop 1990 Watched
Demon Cop 1990 Planned
Keaton’s Cop 1990
Top Cop 1990
Violent Cop 1989
Psycho Cop 1989 Planned
Miami Cops 1989 Planned
Cop 1988
Maniac Cop 1988 Planned
Bobo Cop 1988
Beverly Hills Cop II 1987 Watched
RoboCop 1987 Watched
Rent-a-Cop 1987
Hollywood Cop 1987 Watched
Cops 1987
The Cop 1986
Beverly Hills Cop 1984 Watched
Cops 1981
Border Cop 1980
Cop 1979
Magnum Cop 1978
To Kill a Cop 1978
Cop 1976
The Super Cops 1974
Cops 1973
The Knock Out Cop 1973
The Cop 1970
Rogue Cop 1954
The Cop 1928



In 1988, Tom Cruise was pretty famous and the world was pretty stupid. This is the perfect cocktail to make a movie called Cocktail. Where the star is big and the story makes no sense.

Its a celebration of ‘anything can happen’. The official movie of ‘you did your best’ agents.

So Tom Cruise used to be in the army and moves to New York to be a bartender. He finds the random British guy and over a course of three minutes, he is good friends with the British guy and learning all his bullshit made up laws that a bartender can make. Somehow they become famous. Because in this universe, you can make it big as a bartender. By the way, throughout this movie, they make about three actual drinks. They spend more time walking and talking and trowing shit around that it is impossible to have made any real money doing this. So now that they have been head-hunted as best barmen, they now serve drinks an another building which is meant to symbolize that they are famous. But when you walk out of the club, its quiet, there are no people or cars nearby. Maybe it was a secret underground bar. Then Tommy boy gets into a relationship with a journalist that has an amazing apartment. Because journos that follow bartenders are paid well in this universe. So its natural that Tom and British want to make a few extra bucks, so they scheme a plan. Tommy’s research consists of a poster of a big breasted woman with the word jamaica on it. Good research there Tom. Brit doesnt like that the Tom’s new girl knows the plan and then kisses her. Tom gets pissed over that, quits, moves to jamaica to run a shitty bar in a hut, meets Elizabeth Shue and unknowingly knocks her up. Tom meets the Brit there on honeymoon and, in all his wisdom, accepts a bet to have sex with some random girl. Obviously Shue finds out and leaves to New york to her old life as a waitress. How the fuck do these low paying jobs have so much money following it? Some bullshit happens and Tom ends up with Shue and have a wedding in a shitty bar. Real good decision skills Shue. Brit dies in the end.

So whats the moral of the story? I think they wanted to convey “always be loyal to those that are close to you”. Do the characters demonstrate an arc? Nope! Tom says “i have changed” and thats good enough. Shue ignored evidence of the opposite. Well done Shue.

People think that this movie was good. It isnt. Maybe it was the 80’s and we were all dumb. But the story, screenplay and acting was not very good. Its like they had Tommy and Shue for the weekend and a set that had a tree that kind of looked like Jamaica and then said: ‘hey, lets make a movie’. To us, this is a B-movie. They try to be good, and fail. But in the 80’s they didnt fail. If it came out now, it would.

Watch it if you dont care about your good old memories.


Gods of Egypt


Pop quiz asshole, its 2016 and you stumble upon tens of thousands of foxconn workers and all of them have stolen credit cards, what do you do? You hire all of them get them to use the stolen credit card data to buy servers and become animators to a terrible movie. Duh.

Lets start with all the obvious shit. Gods of Egypt stars no Egyptians, or anything in Egypt. Its all computer generated like a Star Wars prequel. Monsters, people, gods, houses, blood, cups, water, trees, turds… all were born from pixels. The women are just props and don’t add to the story. And they show lots of skin.

So now the story. And its pretty shit. There is a god, and he is getting old, so he makes his son the new ruler. (or was it his wedding? fuck i forget. lets say he’s the new king.) Now, his older brother comes to the ceremony & says, that he wants to be king. The father says some shit & the older guy disagrees, and kills everyone except his brother. He had no reason to kill them, they weren’t really mean to him. And he could have killed his brother, i mean, he killed the father. But no, he just pulls his eyes out & then banishes him to a broom closet. Then, for some reason, a pleb gets involved, and goes on a mission to rescue the eyes of the banished god & then kill the main guy. Main guy kills grandfather for the fuck of it. The eyes-guy faces off with main guy. They could use their swords and stab, but they must add minutes to the runtime. They end up transforming like Beast Wars, into animals and then fight some more. Eyes-guy wins, he unnecessarily loses a wife, pleb gets his girlfriend. The end.

Despite running for a long 2 hours, at no point do they explain why eyes-guy was the chosen new king instead of bad guy. They dont say, why bad guys denied kingdom. They dont explain why the perspectives seem to change through out the movie (oh yeah, gods are 1.5x size of plebs). They dont say, why they built a tower from the top-down. They dont say why there are billions of people in one shot and only thousand in another. Where are the apartment blocks of these billions if there are only like 10 god buildings? Why is Egypt so lush and tropical? Why is gravity the same if the earth is flat and grandfather god drags the sun all over? Why does the mighty Sarlak monster want to kill everyone? Why does the eyes-guy not suffer from poor depth perception despite only having one eye?

This movie could have easily been more boring. Lucky it was just passable as shit movie.

Watch the blu-ray version.