Gods of Egypt


Pop quiz asshole, its 2016 and you stumble upon tens of thousands of foxconn workers and all of them have stolen credit cards, what do you do? You hire all of them get them to use the stolen credit card data to buy servers and become animators to a terrible movie. Duh.

Lets start with all the obvious shit. Gods of Egypt stars no Egyptians, or anything in Egypt. Its all computer generated like a Star Wars prequel. Monsters, people, gods, houses, blood, cups, water, trees, turds… all were born from pixels. The women are just props and don’t add to the story. And they show lots of skin.

So now the story. And its pretty shit. There is a god, and he is getting old, so he makes his son the new ruler. (or was it his wedding? fuck i forget. lets say he’s the new king.) Now, his older brother comes to the ceremony & says, that he wants to be king. The father says some shit & the older guy disagrees, and kills everyone except his brother. He had no reason to kill them, they weren’t really mean to him. And he could have killed his brother, i mean, he killed the father. But no, he just pulls his eyes out & then banishes him to a broom closet. Then, for some reason, a pleb gets involved, and goes on a mission to rescue the eyes of the banished god & then kill the main guy. Main guy kills grandfather for the fuck of it. The eyes-guy faces off with main guy. They could use their swords and stab, but they must add minutes to the runtime. They end up transforming like Beast Wars, into animals and then fight some more. Eyes-guy wins, he unnecessarily loses a wife, pleb gets his girlfriend. The end.

Despite running for a long 2 hours, at no point do they explain why eyes-guy was the chosen new king instead of bad guy. They dont say, why bad guys denied kingdom. They dont explain why the perspectives seem to change through out the movie (oh yeah, gods are 1.5x size of plebs). They dont say, why they built a tower from the top-down. They dont say why there are billions of people in one shot and only thousand in another. Where are the apartment blocks of these billions if there are only like 10 god buildings? Why is Egypt so lush and tropical? Why is gravity the same if the earth is flat and grandfather god drags the sun all over? Why does the mighty Sarlak monster want to kill everyone? Why does the eyes-guy not suffer from poor depth perception despite only having one eye?

This movie could have easily been more boring. Lucky it was just passable as shit movie.

Watch the blu-ray version.