Jupiter Ascending


Buckle up idiots, you’re in for a doozie.

2015 was the year that the Wachowski siblings decided to tell the world that they have no talent. We think that they saw all the DC and Marvel shit and tried to make an original idea and hoped that it would then be a hit and all the kids would want to see sequels and spin-offs and solos. Maybe they would make millions off the toys that all the grown men would want to buy.

Nope. They release this steamer, they lose a shit ton of money and will probably give a discount for any new movie they make.

Let me try to tell what this is all about. There is a girl that is a maid. Her mother was a maid too. And they clean toilets all the time. The same toilet. All the time. Sometimes the owner of the toilet cant use the toilet because they are cleaning it. Then for some reason, there are aliens that know where she is and they kidnap her. But kidnappings are not like typical russian kidnappings where they hit the girl, carry the body to the donkey, and ride back to your home village. In this kidnapping, they knock her out, open a portal to somewhere, jump in. Why would aliens kidnap a maid? She’s a princess. Maybe a Wachowski wanted to sell the franchise to Disney. Smart thinking there Wachowski. But you spent so much time imagining the future, that you forgot to make a good movie. Maybe the Matrix was a fluke? Maybe someone else made it & you just put your name on it?

Now that the maid princess is kidnapped, we find out that the bad guys are in space and they are human looking. Some are dinosaurs, some look like those smoking slackers from MIB. Then there is the white knight. He apparently used to have wings for some reason. And then he has space roller blades that fly through the sky. Then the space ships have wings for space aerodynamics. And these wings are not physically attached to the ship. Its just hovering. Pointless technology right there. Then the space ships look they were designed by someone that didn’t know that people like to get from one part of the ship to the other with the least number of steps. Here, you need to walk diagonally down to the centre, then teleport to a floating thorax, then teleport to some part and then walk up some stairs.  Thats just the outside, from the inside, it looks like a massive baseball arena. Then these ships park in the centre of a planet. Now you’re probably asking how they hollowed out a planet to make a car park? Yeah. I dont know. Then this planet is Jupiter. A pretty massive fucking planet. You dont mine the light and loose gas off the top. No, you go for the heavy shit in the centre. Why the fuck would any one would think that this is a good idea? Then, apparently space is over populated. Fuck. Its the literal definition of the word. Then the aliens want to take over Earth to make the humans into botox shots. Because even making teleporters, and space machines and worm-holes is not advanced enough. You still need to kill humans. The princess finds out that she owns earth. And only she can make the deal. Then there is a ton of fight scenes throughout the movie. And all of them have the roller blade knight flying everywhere, shooting all the things, never dies. I could try to describe the bad guys but they are just boring. The only people getting paid is the princess, the knight and the millions of animators that made the flying T-rex. And sometimes they fly through space without a suit and sometimes they dont. Sometimes a punch takes them down, and sometimes flying through multiple walls will result in a scratch.

So… shit acting, bullshit physics, weak story, boring characters, nauseating sound effects, epileptic fit inducing visual effects is what you get for two hours.

Why would you want roller blades if wormhole transport exists? Why do you need to get a princess to agree to anything, you have thousands of ships. Just take everything and kill everyone. No witnesses and no complaints.

Im sure the actors refined their skill of working in a small green room. Well done actors, you’re in a booming industry.

Should you watch it? Only if you are blind and deaf.