Fantastic 4

reed stretch 2

Ah, a fun movie that was made cheaply and is somewhat interesting to watch. Good times.

This was the 1994 movie made be Roger Corman. He’s 90 and still making shitty movies.

I remember watching the Jessica Alba Fantastic Four and hating it because it was a terrible story and at that point we all knew how they became what they are. This is a interesting tangent for this post. We know the origin of these retards because this movie was made a million times. Let me check what IMDB says. Movies in 1994, 2005, 2007, 2015. Series in 1967, 1978, 1994. Game in 1997, 2005. Wikipedia says that the 1994 movie wasn’t even released. It was made to because the ownership rights would be canceled if it the asset was not used. So there won’t be revenue, but it did cost $1.5m to be made. The 2005 one costs $100m and made $330m. The 2015 version costs $120m and made $168m. I honestly thought that they all were making losses.

Back to 1994 Fantastic Four. You know the story. Four people somehow go into space and are exposed to some radiation and they get special powers and end up meeting an old friend. Except that the old friend is actually an enemy and wants to destroy the world and they are the only people that can stop him. And they do stop him.

Here are some parts we remember:

  • Dr Doom looks like he was wearing the same material you put on pool tables.
  • Dr Doom can’t be heard when he is in his metal suit.
  • We spent a long time trying to understand the mechanics of Sue Storm’s invisibility power. She and her suit can go invisible, but her suit was made after he was exposed to the radiation. So does anything she touch become invisible? Why didn’t the space ship go invisible? She was touching her boots, and her boots touched the ship. What if she touched the ship with her bare hands? Does it go invisible like a Klingon Bird of Prey? Let’s say that new things that she touches cant become invisible. Then it would be logical that when she at a sandwich, you would see the bits of food travel down her throat and then get digested and then sit in the waiting area in her colon. Then, does the thing that is invisible remain invisible after it stops touching her? Like if she’s taking a dump, how would she know when to stop wiping? Also, you would be able to see if she had a virus because her lungs or organs would be infected by a foreign organism. Later in life, she and Reed Richards would have sex and maybe start a family. Would you see her getting pregnant in real time? Would the baby have the invisible powers too? Does it dilute the power as the generations progress? Would you eventually be a 10th generation Sue Storm and only be 90% visible? Or, if you retained the full power of invisibility, would you eventually start a school for the Storm kids of kids? Would they ever be able to detect incest? Would that gene in an incest baby be double its power? So that they now appear as negatives instead of transparent. These are all important questions that would need more than 90 minutes to resolve.
  • Reed leaves his wedding to Sure by waving to the crowd through the sunroof of his limo using his 10 foot arm. Worst wave ever.
  • Dr Doom’s henchmen are the Dinks from Spaceballs but they wear green material from a pool table.
  • The Thing is another retard that ran away from the group only to join a gang that was funded by the enemy. They resolved this subplot quickly and he was back in the group. He only wears the shorts of the uniform and the rest can wear the full jump suit. In the movie’s universe, what was Sue thinking when she made the suit? Did she not know she needed all this material? Did she know that Thing would be ok with just the Shorts? What if its winter? Maybe she did what she did because that suit material would wear out being next to all those rocks? Then aren’t shorts the exact thing that would wear out first? This are important questions.
  • The Flame guy is a retard and is animated most of the movie when his fire is lit. He turns it on and off by voice command. “Flame on” and “flame off” will do it. But, to get the power, you need radiation, and this changed all of him and not just his hands. So does that mean he can say “flame on” and think of his dick and then his dick catches on fire? In the last scene, he has to fly from a weapon firing a laser and outrun it and then block it with his body and then push it with his body to the origin to destroy the weapon. Why didn’t he just block it at the origin? He was right there when it fired. The beam that escaped would be small and not do too much harm and he would be able to quickly deal with the weapon. Flying to the tip would waste valuable time and at that point he didn’t know he could defeat it. These are important questions.

This movie was more coherent that the ones that followed it and also more entertaining. Watch it.