Piranha 3DD


Another 2012 gem staring Christopher Lloyd.

There is this pervert that opens up a water park. For some reason there are piranha in a nearby lake and the owner opens the water gate to get more water for his big opening. Piranha come in, people die, someone kills some piranha.

Why was this made? It made 8m USD and costs half. So maybe it just broke even. Maybe the producer was sharing a vacation time share where Christopher Lloyd, Ving Rhames, David Hasselhoff and Gary Busey? Maybe they needed to promote a new stripclub? Apparently there was a first film called Piranha 3D in 2010 with Lloyd and Rhames. It was only a 5.5/10 on IMDB and they made $25m from a budget of $24m. No one was screaming for a sequel. Who knows?

If you like breasts, this movie is for you.


The illusionauts


Fuck this movie so hard.

This is the worst movie we have ever seen. This takes into account Turkish Spiderman and Foodfight. Fuck.

I don’t even know what the plot was. It was set in France in 2012 and there was some Jules Verne characters that are alive in modern times and they fight a giant octopus thats being a Godzilla in the city. The rest was a blur. The sound track or sound effects did not match the tone of the movie. It wasn’t even synced to the scenes. Then each scene was quickly cut to another and didn’t give you time to figure out what was going on. It supposed to have Christopher Lloyd and Sarah Michelle Gellar but we couldn’t detect their voices. There were four random kids that we’re picked to wear a Tron suit. We dont know who they were or why they were special or what the threat was. One kid farted a lot.

According to IMDB this movie has an alternate title: Fantastic 4Force. You know its bad when there are two titles. I don’t know if this was some bait title because I didn’t find an actual Fantastic Four in 2012. I wouldn’t be shocked. I think the title voice actors weren’t even here.

Should you watch it? Probably not. Unless you want to help find the reason this shit was made.


No Retreat, No Surrender


Remember Karate Kid? This was made two years later and is pretty much the same movie. Some bad guy wants to own all the karate shops and gets the goon van Damme to beat the owner if they don’t say yes. Then one of the students go beat the Damme and it ends.

This movie was made by Seasonal Film Corporation. Which sounds like they only make Christmas movies. But this was released in May 1986. Jean Claude has about five minutes of screen time. One beat down at the start and a main fight at the end. The rest of the movie is a mess of a story about a guy that is a karate student, gets beaten up by some guy in another karate school, has a mental breakdown and talks to fake Bruce Lee, becomes a good fighter and beats up Jean Damme. There is another story during the movie where a fat guy bullies a black guy. There are no parallels on this except that it creates a reason to have a few more fight scenes. They use the black guy to walk around and be a victim everywhere. Seasonal Films probably thought that it was racism season.

Why was this made? The budget was about $400k and it made $2m. So its successful. Claude van wasn’t famous yet. He would only make Bloodsport in a year or two from now. The rest of the cast and crew were off the street. It was released a month before Karate Kid 2. So there wasn’t really a guarantee of being a hit. Maybe it was related to the Ninja theme which was in full swing in this year, 1986. We’re unsure. There isn’t a good story that needed to be told. No mad skills. No good character stories. No memorable scenes. Come to think of it, it was a pretty boring film.

Watch it. But don’t expect to love it.

Ninja III: The domination


In 1984 Ninja movies were picking up steam. Twice as many movies were made than in the previous year and it will peak in 1986. I posted some stats on it here. We cant judge it on its merits as a sequel in the Ninja trilogy because we haven’t watched the for first two. Cannon made Enter the Ninja in 1981 and Revenge of the Ninja in 1983.

This movie starts with 20 minutes of some random ninja guy dude getting chased in a desert and shot a million times. We’re never told why this happening. He survives by throwing a smoke bomb in sand and spinning like a drill bit and within a blink of an eye, hiding in the ground. Then for some reason, his spirit consumes this aerobics instructor. She was the girl in Breakin’ and, oh, this movie was made by the same people, Cannon Films. She becomes a ninja and then fights a bad guy. We have no idea what any of this takes place. She lives in a gym with burglar bars inside the house so even if there was a reason, it would be shit.

So why was this movie made? I think that Cannon made a shit ton of money four months before this with Breakin’. So they rehire Lucinda Dickey cheap, hire badass mad-skilled ninja guy Sho Kosugi to be the main bad guy. Exploit some bullshit back-story so they don’t have to worry about an actual script. Did they succeed? IMDB trivia says it was made in nine weeks. It made $7m. The budget couldn’t have been more than $1m or $2m. So yes, this was one of the few profit making movies for Cannon.

What we liked:

  • Opening sequence of converting a ninja into a colander.
  • Chase scenes all shot around the movie studio parking lot and maybe an abandoned block.
  • Ninja blows a dart into a gun and the gun explodes.
  • Non-stop ninjaring.

What we didn’t like:

Watch this movie!



2007. What a great year. Property prices were going through the roof. If you had a home loan company, you had line a mile long outside your front door. It just so happens that the there was a home loan company owned by a guy named Daniel Sadek that made so much money from this that he had a few bucks to spare on making a car racing movie that had good, fast and expensive cars and not the cheap, heavily modified cars. Good on you Daniel. It would be a shame if the market for homes took a nose dive in 2008 and all loans turn bad.

So the plot, its about a woman that is a mechanic and a race driver and a lead singer of a band and a fighter. She wants a record deal and the deal requires her to race a car and win. Her opposition is some creep vegan gambler’s driver. We’re not sure exactly what the relationship was because she the girlfriend of some guy that is the brother of the bad guy’s driver. The bad guy’s driver dies when he first races her. The brother reacts correctly initially but then doesn’t give a shit and goes on with the story. Now the woman needs to race her boyfriend and then she was winning up until the end where she stops short of the finish line and lets her boyfriend win. The vegan creep loses, something happens and the woman gets what she wants and has a very expensive car from somewhere.

The plot, as you can imagine, was not well thought out. But we know where the focus of attention was. It was on the butts of the 50 other women as extras. Yes, this movie was just a sleazy cash grab.

Were there any redeeming qualities? I suppose, every other movie treats their expensive cars with velvet gloves. This movie doesn’t give a shit and smashes a real Porsche Carerra GT and Ferrari Enzo. These are very rare and expensive. Other destructive movies also resort to computer graphic to simulate destruction. This movie does it directly.

If you want to see a movie that showcases hubris, this is for you.

200 m.p.h.


Wow. Just wow. This movie was awesomely terrible. 200 miles per hour is a 2011 movie made by the Asylum. The same guys that made Sharknado and Snakes on a vehicle and various other shameless movies.

The story is about a guy that sees his brother die in a car race because the opposition is a dirty player. The guy now wants to race the bad guy. They race and the bad guy smashes his car and goes to a hospital-jail or a jail-hospital. The sub-plots are about his stripper mother doesn’t like him racing. His stripper girlfriend that gets assaulted by the bad guy. His friends that steal a car for parts from a scrap yard. He is forced to lose against the bad guy because a dirty cop placed a large bet on the bad guy. Simple enough right? Well, lets go through some plot holes and retarded shit:

  • There isn’t anyone to be the counter party to the bet of the dirty cop. So he would win exactly what he put in plus a few bucks more.
  • Main guy and his brother make enough money to run a repair shop but not enough money that his mother needs to strip for money.
  • His girlfriend is a stripper at the same stripclub. So now how did they meet? Did he go visit his mother and then meet the other girl? Did his mother set them up together?
  • He wants to give his mother 20 bucks and she refuses because she doesn’t degrade herself enough to take his charity. So he says that he will go to her work and put it in her G-string. This family is probably not very functional.
  • The top mechanic in his repair shop drew what modifications she will do to the car and the drawings were bad/childish drawings that looked like scale, details and accuracy were considered.
  • The bad guy needs to race everyone. For no reason. He doesn’t win the loser’s car or any money. He probably wants to race everyone till he reaches the top man in government.
  • The main guy had no reason to race the bad guy after his brother’s death. It wouldn’t exact revenge or undo the event or make him get closure.
  • The mother tells the boss of the stripclub how bad the bad guy is. The boss logically says that the mother needs to report this to the police. This was probably the most logical part of the movie.
  • The main guy tells the dirty cop to not shoot the bad guy by saying “you can’t shoot him, people will know it was a gun.” Excellent dialogue.
  • The top mechanic in his repair shop has a head shake in the middle of every sentence.
  • The motorcycles used look like they used to be used for pizza delivery.

There are a dozen more bullets to list on how retarded this movie is but the thing we loved about it was that we felt that they tried to make a good quality fake Fast and Furious knock off and they failed. It was an honest and sincere copy. We also were laughing for almost all of the 90mins of run time.

Watch it!