Oh my god. This was the worst movie we have ever seen.

Let’s get the plot out of the way. There is this woman. Patience. She is a graphic designer for a cosmetics company. She somehow finds out that the cosmetics are addictive and damaging. Then while she runs away from the security, a cat burps on her face and she becomes a CGI Catwoman. For some reason the wife of the boss of the cosmetics company knows this and kills the boss and frames her. So now she jumps around until he gets the wife alone in a room and then kills her.

So 2004. What was going on? DC’s last movie was a fuck up. It was 1997’s Steel.  Marvel is winning. They made the Spidermans, Blade, X-men, Hulk, and some other shit. So DC probably thought that they should double their efforts. There are seven writers attached to this movie. One woman wrote a few series episodes but nothing too big. One guy wrote The Core in 2003. Another four wrote The Game with Michael Douglas and The Net with Sandra Bullock and a bunch of other good movies. Another wrote a few shitty TV series. Then there is the last guy, Bob Kane, that wrote the characters for the Nolan Batman and tons of DC shows. He really fucked up here. Catwoman was not the same Catwoman of the Batman franchise. She was not Selina Kyle and she was not in Gotham and not a cat-burglar. This was written to have nothing to do with the actual DC universe but retained the name Catwoman to attack some audience.

The Director was Pitof. His only other movie before this was Vidocq. A successful French sci-fi movie. He wouldn’t make another feature film after this movie. He seems to be known for visual effects. He worked on Alien 4 and a few other middle of the road movies.

Halle Berry was in Monster’s ball in 2001 and won all the awards. The she was in a James Bond movie as eye-candy. Then Gothika in 2003. Probably as eye-candy as well. Prior to these she was in good-ish movies with good-ish roles and she did well. How the hell did she manage to find this shit movie? Its not like she needed the money or had no other offers. She can be awesome if there’s a good director.

Sharon Stone wasn’t running out of work either. Her movies before this weren’t total shit-shows but they weren’t major hits either. Maybe this was a vanity project where she gets to show off her looks instead of working hard at her acting skill? Maybe she thought that only her looks can get her good movie reviews.

Benjamin Bratt was in a ton of good movies as ‘some third guy in charge that doesn’t really matter who the fuck he really is’. This movie got him closer to being a lead character. Too bad Ben.

It costs $100m to make this movie and it made about $82m back. That sounds ok but its still about $20m down the tubes and that doesn’t even account for the cost to market the movie to people. People always blame studio meddling when it comes to failed movies. No one really knows what could have been. Apparently this was tested with a small audience bore release and was so bad that it had to have reshoots. Maybe the studio knew its bad but wanted to at least be good enough to recover some of the $100m. Maybe the original cut would only have made $10m instead of $82?

Bad cast choice. Bad acting. Not an actual Catwoman movie. Bad, really bad CGI. Stupid story. Really obvious continuity mistakes. Bad dialogue. Bad photography. Fuck. Just don’t watch this shit OK?



The movie’s name is Steel. The main guy is Irons. The sidekick is Sparks. But none of this matters because Shaq is a likable guy. Even the bad guys like having him around.

This movie is about a guy that makes weapons and doesn’t like what the buyers of the weapons intend to do with the weapons. He quits, he makes his own weapons in a junkyard, he finds out the buyers are bad guys, he stops the bad guys with his magic weapons. The only thing that could make this movie more 90’s period-correct is if they were fighting to protect demolishing a ‘rec’ centre.

So its 1997. This movie is forgettable as ever. Why was it made? Its a superhero movie in the DC universe. A bunch of Supermans were made, some Batmans. Both were moderately successful. Marvel was pumping out junk like Punisher, Fantastic Four, Captain America and all were turds. This was less of a shit-show than the 1997 Batman and Robin. The one with the bat nipples and butt-shots but it actually got a lower IMDB score. Cruel.

I think the only memorable parts of the movie were the flimsy rubber costume that Shaq had to wear. It was supposed to be a steel plated armored suit but ended up folding and deforming like rubber or foam every time he moved his face.

The Director is Kenneth Johnson and he’s written and directed a bunch of TV stuff like Alienation and V. At least he tried to make a feature film. He went back to TV after this. Someone learns a lesson.

Shaq is likeable and made Kazaam in 1996 which was just as bad as this movie. Maybe they thought they would try again to make a professional bouncing baller cross over into movies. In later movies, Shaq plays Shaq. Another person learns their lesson. According to IMDB trivia, Shaq was still a ball player during this movie. Maybe he didn’t give a fuck? But who in their right mind would be pissed off at Shaq.

It made about $2m or $3m but the budget to make it was about $16m. All that DC and Warner money being flushed. They don’t learn their lesson. Their next movie would be Catwoman and would be the worst movie ever made on Earth.

Watch it. Because it has Shaq.