Diamond Cartel

I love this movie. It’s not good but that’s not the point. The point is that in 2017, you can still get some big stars to act in your shit movie, pay them fuck all, and bomb at the box office.

The plot is pretty basic. There is a main bad guy and he wants to buy a diamond from another bad guy and the main guy’s workers plot to steal it and fuck ’em both over. The big names are in it for a good two minutes. Bolo Yeung from Bloodsport, Shang Tsung, Michael Madson, my favourite geriatric Don ‘The Dragon’ Wilson and Tommy Lister from Star Gate. The main bad guy was played by Armand Assante. This fucking guy knocked it out of the park. What a great performance. He was bad ass and convincing. Then there was a cameo from Peter ‘o Toole. Who was so old that he died a few days after this movie was made.

This movie costs $7m and was made in Kazakhstan. It’s not good. The acting is mostly shit, the story is the best that a Kazakh person could do. The camera work was good and so was the editing. I don’t remember any music or sound effects. But we had fun watching it. You would have fun too.

The Wicker Man

Do you think movie remakes are better than the original? You would think that after 33 years, there would be more people around that know how to make better movies. Nope. 2006’s The Wicker Man is a remake of the 1973 Christopher Lee movie and it’s 25 minutes longer. But the IMDB scores are 3.7 for the new one and 7.6 for the old one. So what went wrong?

The short summary of this movie is that there is this island somewhere in the UK with a bunch of weirdo people that are part of some cult that manage to lure in a person from the mainland and then sacrifice him. They lure him using a convoluted plot of having some young girl mysteriously disappear and he investigates and interacts with all the islanders and they all have to play there part in the plot.

The original movie wasn’t a fast paced thriller. For the first half of the movie, the cop is walking around the stupid island and talking to the stupid people. The new movie adds 25 more minutes to give the cop, who will be the guy lured, a motivation to go to the island. After that its beat for beat. They don’t improve the story to give us a reason to care about the islanders. Why are they there? Why did they make a cult? We are told that they know about the mainland, yet they chose the island? Whats so good about the island and the cult that they don’t just leave and join the world? A good conflict should make you care about the good guy and the bad guy. You want to be able to understand how they got to where they are and you’re on the edge of your seat because you don’t know how it will end. This movie does none of that. You have a bad guy because he is a bad guy.

They do change some of the character names and genders. Not because it makes the movie more modern or interesting, but its probably to avoid legal problems. I can’t think that they spent 10 minutes debating the benefits of changing the missing mcguffin girl from Rowan Morrison to Rowan Woodward. Maybe it was because they shot it in USA and couldn’t bother to find British sounding actors. The original was a British island. This one was just some island.

The rest of the movie is pretty shit. This was our first Nicholas Cage movie in the Bad Movie Night and my god his acting is shit. 2006 was the somewhere in the years where he made like a million movies a week and didn’t care about acting. He was just Nic Cage in every movie. He doesn’t look like a guy with a drug habit. So either he’s a bad gambler or he’s bad with economics. The rest of the cast doesn’t stand out either. But that’s not their fault. The script and editing was really shit and did them no favours.

Why do people remake a good movie only to make a worse version? The writer and director is Neil Labute and IMDB says he directed a bunch of shorts and some good movies early in his career. What the fuck was he thinking during this movie? I don’t know. Maybe he had to pay off his gambling debt. He costs the funders $42m to make it and it only brought in $11m.

This movie isn’t even a ‘so bad its good’ movie. Don’t watch it.

Jurassic Prey

What do you do if you wanted to make a movie about bears but then ran of money to buy a bear costume? You CGI in a shitty dinosaur.

It’s 2015 and the Polonia brothers think they they are the new Asylum Production Company. They’re cranking out shark and prey straight-to-video movies at a rate of one every month. They dont have time to care about budgets, story, continuity, actors, props, scripts, or cgi models that match the costume that they rented.

Jurassic Prey is about this woman that withdraws money form a bank and plans to run away. At the same time, there is a bank robbery by three of the dumbest criminals on the planet. Their car doesn’t start and they decide to hijack the woman. She declines and then offers to be their getaway driver. She drives them to some someone’s cabin in the woods. At the cabin, there is an animal that walks on pathways and if it encounters another person on the path, they don’t hear it and it kills them. This animal is referred to as a bear throughout the movie. But every visual of the animal is a dinosaur that is away from people or in the distance. There are scenes where they get an actor to act like he’s fighting something and the producers just superimpose a shitty dinosaur on the image. That CGI dinosaur looks completely different to the costume. I think there were two different CGI models that played the same character.

The woman tries to escape the hijackers and random scenes happen and everyone but the main woman dies from bear attacks. There are some funny deaths. One memorable death was a decapitation. One of the hijackers wears a hat and sunglasses throughout the movie so that when they show his head, they can put the hat and sunglasses on it and the audience won’t be the wiser.

This movie is awful. Do not watch it.


Nukie is so bad that it’s the sole reason that Namibia is not a Singapore of Africa.

Back in the 80’s, it was a running joke that Africa is 5 years behind America. This is the case that proves it. E.T. was a big hit in 1982, and someone from Namibia saw it in 1987 and thought that he will make a few bucks from a rip off of it by making Nukie. There were two directors. Neither of them made anything good. One of them didn’t even make anything else.

This movie is so bad. There is nothing redeeming about it. Bad effects, bad dialogue, bad story, bad audio, bad acting. There was one shot where the camera was in focus.

Nukie is about two objects of energy that are traveling in space and, for no reason, they crash into earth. Space is a pretty big place. They are childlike so that means that their parents should be arrested for losing them. These two objects are called Nukie and Meeko. Nukie crashes in Africa and Meeko crashes into the USA. For some reason the USA military are able to detect it, capture it and run experiments on it. The scientists say that its not made of organic matter but then do organic matter experiments on it. Obviously the writers of this movie have brain damage. Then Nukie walks around a bush in Africa and talks to animals. They obviously don’t talk back because they are just animals. Then some humans meet him and want to shoot him using an arrow. Nukie can teleport or turn back into energy and fly around. This is an important fact because it means that they both could have turned back into energy and go back to space. Oh, they are originally a ball of light and then on the earth surface, they look like a deformed potato with a really runny nose.

so this movie could have ended in about a few seconds if it used logic. But no. Its 90 minutes long. For some reason, there is a hunter that wants to kill Nukie. For some reason, there are some kids that want to protect Nukie. For some reason, Nukie and Meeko can communicate. For some reason, Nukie runs from the hunter instead of flying. For some reason, Nukie and Meeko are reunited. For some reason, they take a chimpanzee with them

Do not ever watch this movie. Its retarded and the writers had brain damage.