Death Wish 3

Charles Bronson is old and needs to make a few bucks to pay for his funeral in 1985.

Paul Kersey (Bronson) is a vigilante and is hired by a lazy cop to go clean up the streets. So Paul leaves valuable things lying around so that someone can steal it and he can kill them for it. Pretty simple.

The first 10 minutes are enough premise to give Paul an excuse to murder pretty much everyone. He gives zero fucks and kills everyone. It is hilarious and it doesnt pause. The last one has a bazooka at point blank range.

Watch it.

 

Death Bed

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It’s 1977 and you have a four-post bed that you have to store for the weekend before it goes to the customer. So how can you make money out of this situation? Make a horror movie obviously.

There is a demon that lives in a painting and he somehow kills anyone that sleeps on the bed. That it.

The producers try to make it more arty and creative by changing the location of the bed, the background story of each victim and the way the bed eats the victim. Its all junk. But its a good junk movie.

Watch it.

A talking cat !?!

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The exclamations and question mark is part of the title. Its not me being an idiot.

This is a gem. Incoherent story. Bad dialogue. Bad acting. Total gem.

I think the producers saved Eric Roberts’ (Yes, Julia Roberts’ brother) life by pushing him out of the way from a car. And then Eric said that he owes the producer a favour. Then the producer got the first draft of a script, mailed it to Eric, and then told Eric to read it all out on the phone after several bottles of whiskey. The producer the took the audio track and made a movie around it. I’m speculating here, but, if this was not the exact way they got Eric involved, then I don’t know what is. Also, don’t think I’m defending Eric, he’s shit too. But the level of effort he put in this, make it looks like he didn’t even know he was going in this.

So…. the story….

There is this cat that only can talk to a human once. He finds a way to get an old man to meet an old lady who is dealing something with some investors and they wont invest in something because the daughter fucked up the cooking of the cheese puffs. And the daughter fucked it up because she wanted to learn about web programming because the old dumpy looking man was some big shot website programmer.

Then there was another pretty girl that was interested in some guy who was interested in some other guy who was interested in some girl.

So why did this movie get maid? The producer has an audio track of Eric Roberts and two houses that he could film in for the weekend.

Would we watch it again? Probably. Should you? Probably.

Fatal Deviation

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Still St Paddy’s day. And we found this absolute gem.

Think Irish and think ‘martial arts’ movie. Can you picture it? No? Yeah, because no one fucking makes martial arts movies in Ireland.

So there is this guy, Jimmy (guy on the right in the picture), and his father died in some thing. Now he is back home where he grew up (in a barn) to figure it out and probably avenge his father. Sounds like fun.

Memorable moments:

  • Celtic monk trains the fighter
  • Very small fight area but they try hard to fake it
  • Irish accents
  • Chick was good looking. But i dont remember this fact too clearly

This one scores high marks in our books. Watch it.

Leprachaun

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It was Saint Patrick’s day this day and we wanted to watch some junk that involves the Irish.

So Leprachaun was a movie. And it was Irish related, because leprachaun. And it had the promise of seeing Jennifer Aniston in some sexy costumes.

We made it 35 minutes into the movie and really wanted to like it. But we couldn’t. We could have killed it 10 minutes in too. Sooooo boring. Dont watch it. There’s nothing clever or interesting going on.

So, there was a leprachaun in a box and… ah fuck it. It was shit. Dont watch it.

Night train to terror

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God and satan are sitting on a train and they play back events of three people in their window. Then some how they make it look as if they are competing on who is better, god or satan, based on the outcome of these three peoples lives. Oh, and the train is supposed to crash at dawn. For some fucking reason.

It seems like they found these three short stories and then decided to stitch them together to get 90minutes of runtime using some convoluted story of morals. It all bullshit. Then each scene starts with some rock band on a train where the stage looks obviously too big to be a cabin of a train.

Memorable moments:

  • Cameron Mitchell is in this & he is not drunk out of his mind
  • The guy that starts the Man with the golden gun is in this
  • Bull from night court is also in this
  • Devil in the end looks a bit like robert z’dar, but it wasnt him.
  • We ate nachos during this shit
  • it was raining this evening

This was a run of the mill junk. The worst sin a movie can make is to be boring. This move was more boring than it should be. Which can only mean that there was a ton of lazy during the production.

You can watch it if you have nothing better to watch.

Pocket Ninjas

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Good luck to anyone that could watch this for its entire length in one sitting.

There are these three kids that are given ninja skills and powers for no reason by this Aussie dude that wears an american flag.

The kids then find random crooks and beat them up.

Every fight scene has whacky cartoon sounds and actions. Think, Robert Z’dar bouncing up and down on a balloon and making a funny face and doing that rabbit ears thing with his hands by his head. Yeah, pretty fucking retarded.

We did 32 minutes of this shit and then killed it. We dont even know why this movie was made? it wasnt the fighting stunts, wasnt because they could get the z’dar for a weekend, wasnt because of the story.

Do not watch this turd.

EDIT 22 months later in January 2018.

We watched the remainder of this movie. What the fuck? There are a million training montages and the good guys or bad guys don’t seem to be improving after every training session. Then the plot makes no sense. There is some shit about chemical barrels that are being moved around. Then the bad guys kidnap the mother of one of the good guys. But they try kidnapping her with something tied to the end of the fishing rod. They tie money to the end of the line and the mother didn’t run after it. Then they try it again with a shopping coupon and she took the bait.

After more training montages, we see a chase scene that takes place in the crowd of some festival on the streets of the area. The chase had no reason to take place. No one knew the other party would be there or have a reason to be there with their shitty dragon masks.

After even more training montages, we have an ending. Its a fight, but not a real fight. Its some bullshit virtual reality fight where the two game characters are Robert z’Dar and another dude. The players of the game are the main villain, Cobra Khan, a 12 year old idiot, and the the ninja good kids. The actions of the players don’t match the game character movements. The VR costume is a janky helmet with the visor falling off and slinkys tied to the player’s hands.

Really terrible movie.

 

A Serbian Film

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This movie was fucked up. It probably inst a bad movie. The maker shows how he reconditioned the main character to do some pretty insane things. The side effect was that we, the audience, we desensitised to it.

Don’t watch it if you have a weak mind. We had to watch 60 minutes of funny Japanese ads to recover from this movie.